Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Amazing Bird Dog Learns New Tricks

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
You can fly higher than a beagle,
'cause you've got wind beneath your ears.

...Thank you, thank you, thank dog for you,
the wind beneath your ears.

Barney Clentcher of North Flummox, Ohio has had a dream since he was a child. For the past twelve years, he's been shouting at Shepherds, screaming at Scotties, yelling at Yorkshires and antagonizing Afghans in an attempt to incite them to flight and render them airborne by any means.

“I used to just tell them repeatedly, "You can fly!" Then chuck them out my fifth story window thinking, if these dogs do have the inate ability to fly, wouldn't now be a good time? I mean how stupid do you have to be to not realize, it's fly or die?”

His methods are a trifle unorthodox, but, “No true innovation was ever borne of playing it by the book.” the twenty three year old Ohio native states with an intensity in his eyes that is reminiscent of... oh, who’s that guy that had the really intense eyes? Him.

“You’ve got to make the big sacrifices to get the big rewards, or so they say. But all I’m doing is throwing away a few stupid dogs, and look what I’ve accomplished” says Clentcher, pointing his finger at “Pilot,” a 3 year old beagle who obediently makes a complete circle around the room, then hovers momentarily before dropping into his masters lap.

“I hate dogs. You have to if you want to be successful in the flying dog business. I always felt that what these mutts lacked, was the belief in their own ability to fly. I mean, think about it; birds do it, bees do it, even semi-mental fleas do it.” Well, 12 years and 283 dogs later, we find out, Clentcher was right. That cruel little boy's dream has become a grown up man's reality. Albeit a grown up man who is wanted in 5 states by the SPCA. “But look what I made this dog do” adds Clentcher.

A spokesman for the anti-animal endangerment organization stated; “We're still not convinced he's not just another Michael Vick. If I see it with my own eyes, I'll believe he's a brilliant visionary who's just killed a lot of dogs on the road to realizing his vision. But frankly, from the photos, it looks to me like he's just throwing them.”

Well this reporter has seen it with his own eyes. Clentcher’s flying mutts are real. He assures me that the guide wire and safety harness Pilot was wearing at the time of the demonstration, were just a precaution.

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