Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ask Numbsain...
Advice for the Connoisseur

Dear numbsain, I read your advice column everyday and I think you're the wisest most intelligent advice columnist on the planet. I think you have a great sense of humor and you're kind and a real humanitarian. That's all I wanted to say. Thanks again.

Oh there is one other thing. My little Bobby, he's only 5 and he needs $5000 to get an operation to save his legs. He loves baseball and his only wish in life is to grow up and play in the major leagues. But you see, without his legs, there's just no way they're gonna let him fulfill his dream. Do you think there's any way you could help us out, it's not for me, it's for Bobby. Won't you please help us numbsain?

Bobby's dad

Dear dad,
There's very little chance your son will make it to the major leagues, even with legs. Nice try. If you had just said the truth which is that you need the money to pay off your crack dealer, you would have had a better chance you phony con artist. Get out of my sight before I puke all over you. By the way, do you really read my column every day? I DON"T WRITE IT EVERY DAY YOU SIMPLETON!

Dear Numbsain,
Some girls in my sorority and I get together every weekend and play poker. Last night I was winning when all of a sudden, Jenny stood up and pulled a gun on us. I tried to tell her it was only a game and she shouldn’t take it so seriously. Then she shot my lava lamp. What should I do?

Sore Winner

Dear Sore,
I suggest playing stripped poker. It’s just like ordinary poker except you start out with no clothes on. That way it will be harder to conceal a weapon. Send me photos too. As far as the lava lamp is concerned, buy a new one only replace the lava with nitro methane (can be purchased at any drag racing outlet). That way if Jenny pops a cap in it, the whole place blows up and she’ll think twice about being such a sore loser.


Dear Numbsain,
I’m a business man with a wife, two beautiful children and a cat. I make $150 grand a year. My marriage is great, the kids are doing well in school and we have an active social life. But recently, I’ve been sneaking downstairs at night, going into the kitchen, getting down on all fours and eating cat food right out of the cat’s dish. After I finish all of the wet food and nibble a few crunchies, I lap up some water from the cat’s bowl and go back to bed feeling satisfied and content. Is this normal?

Fluffy; CEO,

Dear Fluffy,
This behavior is completely normal for a healthy happy well adjusted adult male cat. You, on the other hand, are a sicko. Of course you feel satisfied and content, cat food is of a much higher quality than human food and it’s meant for cats, not you. Do you even think of your family as your gobbling down Purina in the wee hours? How would they feel if they knew you were hogging all the good stuff? I recommend you be made to wear a neck cone until you break the habit. Try weaning yourself off the 9-Lives with a can of Spam before bedtime and get neutered just in case it’s hereditary.


Dear Numbsain,
I am a professional truck driver. I’m in pretty good health and about average intelligence. But I eat cat food. Am I okay?

Highway Friskies

Dear High,
What is with you people?! Stop eating cat food! It’s formulated for felines, not humans! Do you cough up fur balls? Do you want a silky-smooth shiny coat? Do you lick your own asshole? NO! You don’t, so you don’t need premium quality cat foods. It’s too rich for you and you’re running a serious risk of gout, you moron!


Dear Numbsain,
I’m a 22 year old woman and I eat cat food, just kidding! I eat normal human food and my little Persian kitty gets all the Tender Vittles. There is one little problem, I can’t poop anywhere but in the cat box. I clean the box often though, and I use Johnny Cat® odor absorbing cat litter. That’s okay isn’t it?

Litter Bug

Dear Bug,
I hate you people. Why don’t you send this crap to Abigail Van Buren and leave me alone.


Dear Numbsain,
I’m the captain of a top rated bowling team. We’ve won several championships and every player on the team is world class. Recently however, one of my team members started playing a lot better. Like incredibly so much better that he’s, like, way too good to be playing with the rest of us. We all feel inadequate around him and some of us are thinking of quitting bowling altogether. What should we do?

Gutter Balls

Dear Guts,
Now let me get this straight, you’re all world class bowlers but one of you is so much better that you want to give up the sport? How much better can you be at bowling if you’re already world class? If you’re that damn good, you should all be making mostly strikes and missing very few, if any, spares. I mean, does he just make a strike every time? That’s not so-o-o way better. There just isn’t that much room for improvement in a game like bowling when you’re at that level. You guys sound like a bunch of whining, bitching, sniveling, little punk-ass crybabies. Get over yourself you pansy ass, snot-nosed, milquetoast, pencil-dicked, fat-assed, barf-brained, lily-livered, sore-losing, no-balls-having, bed-wetting, nipple-piercing, chicken-plucking, buck-toothed, Barney-watching, cat-food-eating, Price-Is-Right contestant! Why don’t you make him bowl his entire set with a little porcelain statuette of the Virgin Mary shoved up his ass! That should equalize things.

by numbsain
Disclaimer: Advice given was not written with the aid of a Ouiji board.

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