Ungo and Mogo, two Neanderthals from about 100,000 years ago were frozen in a glacier and by a rare fluke of nature, the conditions were perfect for cryogenic suspension. Well, with global warming and all, here it is 2008, and guess who just thawed out? You guessed it. Of course, if you heard them speak, you wouldn’t understand a word of it. So we’ve translated their dialog from Neanderthalese into modern day English. Lets listen in as they stumble upon civilization for the first time and encounter a freeway.
Ungo: Shiny beasts with circular legs go fast. Strange how they stay on the dark dirt.
Mogo: Loose herds make them easy prey, but how do you eat something like that?
Ungo: I think you have to shell it to get the meat, like a beetle only slightly larger. I saw something with eyes inside it.
Mogo: I saw that too. Was it picking its nose?
Ungo: That’s the one.
Mogo: Look at those oddly shaped rocks over there near the flat rocks on tall sticks. How do they climb up to draw those symbols on them?
Ungo: Obviously they draw the symbols on the rocks first, then hoist them up high.
Mogo: Why would they go to all that trouble for such an ugly thing.
Ungo: There is much about this place that we don’t understand, Mogo. I think we might be in the future.
Mogo: What the hell is that?
Ungo: Imagine if you went to sleep and then woke up many times, really fast...
Mogo: I’m barely with you, but go ahead.
Ungo: And you did this so fast that many, many, many—pretend I kept saying “many” until your hair became grey—that many cold times happened in one visit from the ball of fire.
Mogo: Oy! You really have a knack for making me want to take my head off and wash it in the stream. But go ahead, I hope you’re going somewhere with this.
Ungo: Then imagine how tall our biggest tree would be by the time you were wrinkled like Grak
Mogo: Rickety old Grak? looks like if he sneezed, he’d fly away? Hogo uses his finger to remove pieces of meat from his teeth? Practically walks on all fours? His children’s children have children? That Grak?
Ungo: Yes, that Grak.
Mogo: Well if he had that many cold times in one visit from the ball of fire, our biggest tree would be so big... we wouldn’t even... it would be... I don’t know what it would be! But it would be very different, that is for sure!
Ungo: Exa-a-actly! Now you’re catching on. Things change very slowly but if we made it go faster, things would be very strange to us when we stopped to look around.
Mogo: Just like they are here!
Ungo: Bingo!
Mogo: What the hell is bingo? No, never mind, you’ve already made my eyeholes hurt on the inside. These are really strange mountains! Look, those animals walk like we do. They look delicious!
Ungo: Caution! I think they may be dangerous. They are not afraid to climb inside the circular-legged beast. Look, they are getting food out of that cave, let’s go inside and get some too, just act casual, like you know someone.
Mogo: Look, Ungo! Food! Strange food though, it looks like it was left for a sick person who can’t chew.
Ungo: Who cares, I can smell it... [sniff sniff]... That is unborn bird without the crunchy part... [snurf snuffle]... That is small pieces of burned flat-nosed tusked beast... [snarf sniffly]... And these flat circles are mashed grass seeds and water, poured on hot rocks.
Mogo: How did they make them so light and fluffy?
Ungo: Good question, Tata’s mashed grass seed circles never came out like this.
Mogo: I’m going to eat all of this right now! [clunk!] OW!
Ungo: What happened?
Mogo: I went to eat the food and this rock was in the way. But I didn’t see it because it has the look of still water. Why is it there? Look, I can reach underneath and get the food...(Chomp chomp) HEY! THIS IS GOOD!!! (Gralmp munch munch crunch chew choff choff!)
Ungo: Not so fast Mogo, you won’t be able to keep it down...
Mogo: (Urp! ...Ka-BA-A-A-R-R-F-FF!!!)
Ungo: Nice going you glutton! You ruined the food by spewing your eaten food right on top of it. Now it won’t taste nearly as good.
Mogo: (Gro-o-o-a-n), I’m sorry... Wait! Look! That’s what the still-water-looking rock is for! it caught my eaten food. The food is okay! Just stay away from these mashed grass seed lumps. they have a really thin peel you can’t see. I don’t think you’re supposed to eat that part.
Ungo: I could have told you that. Look, it has those strange symbols on it. That can’t be natural. You don’t know where that food has been.
Mogo: Hey, Ungo, don’t look now, but there are several of those animals that walk like we do, staring right at us.
Ungo: Yes and they’re all wearing the same color pelts, like the color of deep water. Why are they pointing those black things at us? Those can’t be weapons.
Mogo: They’re holding them like they are. Lets go over and take one and look at it.
Ungo: Be careful, they look angry.
Mogo: I don’t care, They look weak and they smell like fear.
Police Officer: FREEZE, MONKEY MAN! [KaPOW!!!]
Ungo: Whoa! They are weapons!! That’s the loudest slingshot I’ve ever heard!
Mogo: What?
Ungo: What?
Mogo: What?
Ungo: What? I can’t hear a thing. My ears stopped working after the slingshot made that noise. Uh-oh, here they come. I think we should do as they say. Look what the weapon did to the food.
Mogo: I am with you all the way on that!
[Later]
Ungo: Well, they were not very friendly about it, but they welcomed us into their cave and they give us food three times every visit from the ball of fire.
Mogo: Yes but have you noticed we can’t leave?
Ungo: That does worry me, but if they were going to eat us, why haven't they done it? Or why don't they just eat the food they’re giving us?
Mogo: True. I guess everything is alright then. Say, how about a game of count my fingers!
Ungo: I would love to! May I go first?
Mogo: Be my guest.
Ungo: One...um, wait, one...wait, where was I? Oh yes! One...um, wait, one...two!...Ha ha ha! I got all the way to two!
Mogo: It always amazes me how well you do this.
Ungo: Yes well, it just takes concentration. Now where was I? Oh yes! One...
by numbsain... a direct descendant of the Neanderthal... very direct.
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