Test Your Knowledge of American Pop Culture

by numbsain

Which of these is not a breakfast cereal:
1. Post Sugar Crisp
2. Kellogg's Corn Flakes
3. Hall and Oates
4. Fruity Pebbles

Which of these is not a wine:
1. Cabernet Sauvignon
2. Pinot Noir
3. Hannibal Lecter
4. Merlot

Which of these is not a car:
1. Pontiac Lemans
2. Buick Skylark
3. Daewoo Leganza
4. Carmen Electra

Which of these is not a dog breed:
1. Doberman Pincher
2. Irish Setter
3. Jack Russel Terrier
4. Luke Skywalker

Which of these is not a personality disorder:
1. Manic Depressive
2. Passive Aggression
3. Worker's Compensation
4. Obsessive Compulsive

Which of these is not a soft drink:
1. Coca Cola
2. Sprite
3. Dr Jeckle
4. Fanta

Which of these is not a venereal disease:
1. Gonorrhea
2. Hepatitis B
3. Syphilis
4. Hercules

Which one of these does not play the blues:
1. T-Bone Walker
2. Blind Lemon Jefferson
3. Salvation Army
4. Jimmy Witherspoon

Which of these is not a breath mint:
1. Tic Tacs
2. Hemorrhoids
2. Altoids
3. Breathsavers

Which of these is not a dinosaur:
1. Stegosaurus
2. Diplodicus
3. Thesaurus
4. Tyrannosaurus Rex

Which of these is not a musical instrument:
1. Guitar
2. Clarinet
3. Scrotum
4. Trumpet

Which of these is not a detergent brand:
1. All
2. Cheer
3. Tide
4. Flan

Which of these is not a insect:
1. Beetle
2. Wasp
3. Cricket
4. Picachu

Which of these is not a ice cream flavor:
1. Rocky Road
2. French Vanilla
4. Carpal Tunnel
5. Pecan Praline

Which of these is not a board game:
1. Monopoly
2. Scrabble
3. Foreplay
4. Clue

Which of these is not a pain killer:
1. Vicadin
2. Morphine
3. Romulin
4. Valium

Which of these is not a rapper:
1. Snoop Dogg
2. Fitty Cent
3. Macaroni head
4. M&M

Which of these is not a candy bar:
1. Culottes
2. Almond Joy
3. Snickers
4. Three Musketeers

Which of these is not a drink:
1. Vodka Tonic
2. Martini
3. Margarita
4. Glib Midget

Which of these is not a cold cut:
1. Bologna
2. Salami
3. Liverwurst
4. Parcheesi

Which of these is not a desert:
1. Mojave
2. Serengeti
3. Sahara
4. Verizon

Which of these is not an animal:
1. Hippopotamus
2. Giraffe
3. Leopard
4. Elephant Man

Which of these is not a fish:
1. Albacore Tuna
2. Rainbow Trout
3. Goldmind
4. Red Snapper

Odd After-School TV Specials

by Goldmind

We've all watched them - those helpful after-school TV specials educating us on the potential dangers of accepting soggy pornographic magazines from pantless strangers driving decrepit station wagons. The following is a list assembled by our dedicated staff of some particularly memorable specials.

Lemur Star Wars



TV executives in the disco-era received a report indicating that kids between the ages of 10-14 were primarily interested in (1) sex, (2) murder, (3) animals, and (4) the movie Star Wars. Tying these together, Grayson Blown Away Productions released "Lemur Star Wars," which feature red laser blasts, graphic animal mating, and territorial battles in outer space.

You're in hell Charlie Brown



Originally designed to convey traditional Christian values, "Peanuts" generally featured subtle moral lessons. That is, until Charles Schultz released "You're in hell Charlie Brown," designed to serve as a gentle reminder that failing to love Jesus Christ could mean one day waking up in a lake of everlasting fire.

Law School Library - The Reality Series, The Movie



Desiring to cash in on the popularity of reality TV and Princeton Review graduate school acceptance guides, Tortious Films released "Law School Library - The Reality Series, The Movie," which featured 72 hours of raw, unedited footage from a digital camera placed inconspicuously on a centrally located library table. 60 hours of the footage feature an anonymous student snoring while passersby nervously chew their nails.

Klingon Makeover of the Stars



Capitalizing on America's perpetual obsession with actors, as well as catering to a persistent contingent of Star Trek fans, Fallopian Pictures rolled the dice with this 2 hour special showcasing an array of Hollywood talent receiving Klingon make overs.

I Forgot Why I'm Eating this Ice Cream



French Avant-garde filmaker Toussieu Lyon Rhônes-Alpes baffled American audiences with his animated short "I forgot why I'm eating this ice cream." Said Rhônes-Alpes of his film: "La créature est chaude. Il doit manger de la glace. La glace ne fond pas. Effectivement, le printemps de fleurs en avant. Vous êtes la créature. Je vous donne ma glace. Prenez-le."

University Health Services



This peculiar film featured an unknown man, above, standing idly in front of the University Health Services facility, silently, for 30 minutes while staring intensely at the camera. No other scene takes place and the intent of the film is unknown.

Malt Liquor Goggles



This after-school special, focused on the dangers of alcohol consumption at parties, single-handedly decreased malt liquor sales 12% throughout the U.S. Strangely, sales increased in the U.K. and northern California.

Mr. Saturday Night Special

A Night in the Life of Yours Truly

Left: I had the misfortune of running into “Suzette” here at the Arlington Heights Playboy Club. What made it unfortunate was that I was quite inebriated and am now apparently engaged to the chipper fellow pictured. It could be worse, of course. He DOES shave his legs.

by Cheese

It’s Saturday night. A time when a young man’s fancy turns to his pants, or more pointedly, what’s in his pants. Now, I am no longer “young” by most definitions, but I am not quite knocking on death’s door either. I can hear the calling of the frothy mug. I feel the desirable tug of a night spent painting the town. I can taste the freedom of neon lights, gorgeous women, beer nuts, and endless testosterone. So I call my closest friend Mike, grab my fedora, and start driving towards the Arlington Heights Playboy Club.

It’s been years since I’ve set foot in the club. I figured by now there were new employees and I resemble the picture of myself on the wall less than ever, so the lifetime ban imposed on me will be much harder to enforce. Plus, of course, there’s the fedora. No one recognizes you when you’re wearing a fedora, right?

Mike is waiting for me at the entrance. He’s a large man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and ballhugger jeans that would make Steve Perry blush. His heavy brow gives him a look of authority that his comical pompadour all but erases. He’s an excellent drinking buddy because no matter how many beers you put away, he never starts looking like an attractive woman. Or an attractive man for that matter.

Without a word needing to be spoken between us, we pay the cover charge and enter. It takes seconds for all the old familiar sights and smells to overwhelm me. The red brick interior. The plush velvet carpet. The odor of beer, sweat, crisp dollars, and loneliness. I felt right at home. Until........

“Umm, dude,” Mike whispers, his unibrow furrowed in consternation. “Is this some kind of a joke?”

Walking towards us is a pair of “bunnies”, or scantily clad club employees. The one on the left is 300 lbs bone dry, 350 soaking wet I’m sure. The one on the right has a mustache and talks like my uncle Ed. Both of them have Mike and I stopped in our tracks, hands still on wallets, the phantom taste of that first beer still flirting with our tongues.

“Hi fellows,” the buffalo says. “Care to buy a lady a drink?”

“Where do we get the lady?” Mike asks, always as smooth as good bourbon.

“Look no further,” the mustache says, and actually wiggles his hairy ass at me.

I hear Mike make a wretching sound beside me, and move to take action. “Um, we haven’t been here in years. Since when did they start hiring guys as bunnies?” I ask.

“Title IX buddy,” the mustache replies. “It’s not just for women’s athletics, you know?”

“Err, OK,” Mike says. “What’s with the blob here?”

“I prefer metabollicly challenged,” the brontosaurus says. “The American’s with disabilities act covers morbid obesity and ensures that I have the right to work here. Get enlightened gentlemen! Look around!” And with that the “bunnies” moved off.

Sure enough, Mike and I looked around and really took in the employee pool for the first time. There were midgets, crossdressers, siamese twins, amputees, malformed faces, and people in wheelchairs. The only person not represented among the “bunnies” was hot women. We started to back up towards the door.

“I wouldn’t do it fellas,” said a whispering voice. We turned to find an old man huddled over an oak table in the corner. “I tried leaving once like you all. The freaks all came to my house the next morning and screamed about enlightenment in my front yard until every neighbor on my street was sure I hated all the handicapped, crossdressers, and retards on the planet. To this day no one talks to me. My advice would be to go get a beer or three. Pretend to enjoy yourself. Then leave at closing time.”

So we drank. And drank. Then drank a little more. With each one, we were SURE the bunnies would begin to look appealing. Short of that, we hoped for an alcohol induced coma to allow us the opportunity to escape.

Neither occurred of course. We got blitheringly drunk, pretended to have the time of our lives, puked our heads off in the surprisingly clean white porcelain of the club’s restroom then blacked out. Sunday morning we awoke, heads throbbing, in a king sized bed. Mike was spooning with the mustache, and I was tightly holding my Suzette. (see above)

This Saturday, Mike and I are going to watch M*A*S*H* reruns in my living room and drink water. If we feel really crazy, we’re going to go the library and check out books on Title IX and the Americans with Disabilities act. It’s time to write our Congressmen.

Rome, Circa 25 B.C.

Bonus and Meniscus at the Vomitorium, Part I

by Guinness

"Hail, Bonus!" shouted Meniscus from across the forum. "Where you beheaded?"

"It's Sunday, you fool, and as customary, I intend to conjoin with Ignoramus at the vomitorium to gorge myself until filled to the gullet, purge, and repeat until my esophogus is squeaky clean."

"Oh, but of course! My cousin Virus is visiting from the rivalous region of Gaul, and would enjoy an orgy of food and drink...may he attend?"

"Virus? Never heard of him and do not care to have my purge ogled by strange Gauls."
"Oh, it is but my regret. What thoughts have you of the young fellow, Stimulus Terminus?"

"Ah, yes, indeed, bring that one along. I could use a bit of purging at the other end, provided either Ramses, Trojan or Magnum are packing the sheepskins, that is." Bonus dismissed Meniscus with a brusque wave of his heavily braceleted arm.

"Very good, we shall see you at XII sharp then!" called Meniscus after the retreating toga.

The vomitorium teamed with sweating, curly-haired men, some togas hanging off the shoulder, mouths greasy with game juices, wine, grapes and figs. In the center, a stone edged circular recepticle received the exodous of anal and gastric passages. Heaven on Earth, the epitome of man's societal modernization! As Meniscus entered, he spotted Hippopotamus gorging himself with a roasted leg of mutton, Status keeping tabs on the victual levels, Census counting heads, Sinus sneezing vomit from his nasal passages, Hiatus passed out under the fruit table, and his good friend Meniscus with Stimulus Terminus. Fabulous, he thought, and strode to the beverage table... "A shot of tetanus, make it a double."

As Bonus swallowed his beverage, a rucous arose amidst the patrons. Projectilus Vomitus was hurling colorful streams of fruit juiced pork back in a glorious five foot arc which landed dead center into the recepticle. A slightly built toga'd figure underneath the arc screeched "ROJECTILEPAY OMITVAY!" in a female voice. Every good citizen of Rome knew women weren't allowed in the vomitorium.

"Ceasar! er SEIZE HER!" the crowd clamored.

end of part I.

Ask Schopenhauer's Ghost: The Video

Helpful relationship advice from a dead, cynical existentialist philosopher.



by Spec & Goldmind

Bigots Are All Alike

by numbsain

Ah! Heah we go princess, Lou-weegee's Gawmay Cuizeen, eh? Eh? Ya like Eye-talian food don'tcha? Well don'tcha? Ya gotta eat, I mean look atcha, ya nuthin' but skin and bones fuh cryin' out loud. So you could eat, right? Right?

Y-e-e-s mother-r-r.

Uh-right. Eye-talian food is good. I hope it's not one o' them Mafia owned joints, Yaw fathuh would NEVUH go eat Eye-talian. "They're all mobsters," he'd say...

Oh Mom, please!...

Ooooh! Red cawpets! Classy joint eh?... Pahty of two please.

Spit out your gum, mother.

Uh-boy, lookit, ya see dat guy? Ya see Skah-face ovah theah? Mafia written awl over 'em. Oy vey.

Mother, he's a waiter.

Oh no, Scah-face is a hit man fuh the mob ahm tellin' ya. Look at his eyes... (bas-tuhd)

Oh, hello, ah'll have the... um, louey-gweeno crab-on-aro an' do you have Manischevitz? Oh, then just a house white, thank yew.

Oh... Moy... Gawd! Lookit, look at dis what just wawked in! It's Chahlie Chan an' the Dragon Lady. Lookit huh; She's prah-bly 95 yeahs old and she looks like she' s fawty. Dat's them Awri-entals, they nevah age. Oh, lookit what he's got! dat's not a suit case, oh no, Chahlie Chans got a machine gun in theah! Dat's the Chinese Mafia right theah, Ahm tellin' ya!

Mother you are really going too far this time! Now just stop it!

Oh... foyn! (sniff) so that's the way ya tawk to ya muthuh... (snuk) I know when I'm not wanted.

Mother please.

Naomi Lookit! ya see doze Pawtuh Reekins ovah theah? Lookit Pancho's got a box! and they keep lookin' at Shang-hai Chahlie ovah theah!

Mother!

And Scah-face ovah theah keeps lookin' at 'em too! ...Oh moy gawd! Didjoo see dat? Pancho just winked at Scah-face and theah both lookin' at da Chinaman! Honey, uh, I gotta go pow-duh my nose...

Hello is dis the police station? ...You gotta get some squad cars down to Luigi's right away! It's a shoot out!!! somethin' big is goin' down heah! Hurry!

I'm back! whud I miss? It's okay baby, yuh muthuh took care of it. ...Oy Gutten Himmel! Lookit Naomi! See dat tray? He's got a AK-fawty seven under theah. Its a HIT! Get unduh the table honey! Lookit Pancho an' his gang are gettin' up and wawkin ovah theah too! Theah gonna rub out Shang-Hai Chahlie right heah! Stay behind me baby!

Mom! what are you doing?!

AWRIGHT FREEZE YOU BASTUHDS!!! PUT DOWN THE TRAY!! YEAH YOU, SCAH-FACE OVAH THEAH! AND DROP DAT BOX, PANCHO!!! ONE FAWLSE MOVE AN' I'LL BLOW YA FRIKKEN HEADS AWF!

MOTHER!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GUN?!?!

DROP THE GUN LADY!!!

Oh, Awffisuhs, heah's my gun. Thank Gawd you got heah just in time!

Let's go lady, put 'er in the squad car. You too miss.

Is everybody okay here? You okay Luigi? ...Oh good. By the way, thanks for catering the policeman's ball the other night. You okay Mayor Gutierrez? Oh great, The new youth center is really coming together, great work there sir. Councilman Chin, I apologize for this mess, I guess she spoiled the surprise but I hope that crazy old bat didn't completely ruin your evening sir. My partner took her down to the station so there won't be any more trouble. Well if everybody's alright, mind if I stick around and sing? ...Thanks, make a wish Councilman...

HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY TO YOU...

editor's note: nothing here is meant to be anti-semitic. Especially given the fact one of us is Jewish!

Computer Advancements Surprising the Hell out of Grownups

In the photo above, a middle-aged man is startled by the functionality of an imac computer. Here, he is viewing a real-time image of himself in "Photo Booth." Such ridiculous expressions have become increasing common and have contributed to a national decline in lockjaw fatalities.

by Goldmind

AP Reports. Computer Advancements are increasingly surprising the hell out of grown men and women, a new federal study reveals. Once the exclusive realm of post-depression era Luddites, even America's Atari generation has become aghast at the latest software/hardware developments and the number of otherwise dignified grownups holding their mouths open and wagging their tongues while uttering ridiculous phrases like "this is more real looking than space invaders" has substantially increased.  

"In my day, Intelevision was the cats pajamas," said David Lindholm, a confused gentleman in his late 60's. "My portable phone & carrying case was the shiznit back when I was listening to the Fat Boys - it wasn't even rotary dial, it made me super cool. Now, I hear they can make cell phones that weighs less than 10 pounds."

Exacerbating the crisis, a follow up study indicated that further advances could possibly occur. "Lord have mercy, it's just amazin'," said Edna Jones, an elderly woman with blue hair walking out of First Baptist Church in Hazelhurst, Georgia. "I'm glad I'm about to meet Jesus, 'cause Lord it sure is confusing." 

From the Book of Guinnessis, Ch. VII, vs. XI.

By Guinness

"How Jesus Christ was Named"
The True Story - abridged

Sayeth the Lord:
Circa 0 A.D., a virginal vessel who was so nameth Mary, conceived by the hand of thine Lord, a Child. With haste, she was, by the hand of thine Lord thy God, betrothed to the able and gifted servant of thine Lord, the town carpenter, Joe, who believeth, through the wisdom of thine Lord, that she remaineth intact. Some nine months passeth, and whilst the Virgin was able to conceive without spermatazoa, and the Carpenter wielded his hammer with God given potence, and wast never without good wood, they foundeth themselves without a crib for the approaching Child.

The Virgin and the Carpenter undertooketh to seeketh a birthing place. They knocketh upon several doors of thine Lord's servants, and were consistently refuseth admittance, they hath traveled for some time, and reeketh of body odor, mule and fowl breath. By the will of the Lord our God, they didst happen upon a meager residence of beasts.

"A manger!" exclaimeth Joe "Poifect!" [manger, French, verb, translation "to eat"]. Mary layeth herself down in the hay, and moments later, a three month old, curly headed cherubic Jew boy layeth himself in the manger.

Three drapery-cladeth men with darkened skin didst then arrive. "We are nameth Goldmind, Franky Sense and Merve, and we bestoweth humbly our native gifts upon this Holy Child. We humbly ask, what is the name bestown upon the Son of God?" Mary arose, palms facing the bright star which shineth over Bethlehem, face tilted downward [picture the statue in Vito and Giavanna Consiglione's front yard], and she didst shrieketh "Jesus Aitch Christ! I'm tired, d'ya mind if I catch some sleep already!"

The three departeth the starlighted manger and carried forth throughout the land the name of the Holy Son, Jesus Christ.

end.

The Evolution of Reality TV

by numbsain

8:47.52 AM:
Robin is awakened by a leaf blower one block away.

Robin: (Ugh! I hate Mexicans... God I really am racist, that sucks. Shit, my arm's asleep... I gotta pee really bad.)

As she gets out of bed, she realizes her panties are kinda bunched up in her crack so she pulls them most of the way out and walks into the bathroom rubbing her eyes.

Robin: (That's weird, Eddie actually put the seat back down... )

SPLOOSH! Robin has perfect timing on her release. As she pees, she really lets one rip, it kind of hurts a little, she starts to doze off, bumps her elbow on the sink which wakes her up. She wipes, stands up, looks in the mirror, her make-up is only a little smudged, she wipes one spot with her finger and heads for the kitchen. She heard Eddie making coffee.

Robin: Morning. (Oops! I didn't know Brian was down here too. And I'm in my underwear. Yeesh! Gotta play it off I guess. I'll bet he's loving this.)

Eddie: Morning Robin. (Jesus what a tramp. Good thing Brian's gay.)

Brian: (Best thing I ever did telling Eddie I'm gay, he obviously told Robin... God she's even hotter than Jen! ...But Eddie keeps flexing in front of me... God what a dork.)

Robin: (What's that smell? nobody took out the garbage? Guess I have to...)

Robin opens the cabinet under the sink and bends over to tie the bag closed. She realizes if she ties it down there, it'll give the guys a longer look at her butt. She also keeps her knees locked.

Eddie: (Oh man, she is really being obvious.)

Robin: (This is pretty subtle...)

Brian: (DAY-YUM!!!!)

As she closes the bag a fly buzzes right by her face.

Robin: (Stupid fly! What does it think I am, white trash? Why did it almost land on my eyelid? Darn it!)

Just then Eddie farts very quietly.

Brian: (WHO JUST FARTED?!)

Robin: (WHO JUST FARTED?!)

Eddie: Haha, Who just farted?

Brian: (Oh, it was obviously Eddie.)

Robin: (Oh, it was obviously Eddie.)

Eddie: (Whew! I played that one off perfectly.)

Robin pours herself a cup of coffee in a mug that has a dried speck on it. She did the dishes last night so she pretends it's clean. She goes to take a sip but it's too hot. Eddie coughs. Brian shifts his weight onto his other foot and turns the page of the newspaper hoping he's read enough articles so that nobody will judge him for looking at the comics, which is why he picked it up. He likes "Jump Start" because its black people and he wants to be more "black." He feels he's too waspy.

1 minute 14 seconds go by where no one does anything then Robin realizes she has to pee again. She goes into the bathroom, sits down and gets her period.

Robin: (Oh great. I'm completely out of pads. ...I'm gonna use one of Eddies socks, he'll just think it got lost in the laundry... feels kind of scratchy.)

Now Robin has to put on some pants so she also puts on a skimpier top (off camera). Just then, Jen walks in from the backyard tracking mud on the floor so she calls the dog in so she'll have someone to blame it on.

Jen: Oh Bandit, your getting mud everywhere.

Bandit: (What is she stupid? Those are HER paw prints) Bark, Bark!

Bandit goes and drinks out of his bowl then nuzzles Jens crotch so she looks like she peed on herself a little. Robin comes back into the kitchen moments later and first thing she sees is that Jen peed on herself a little.

Robin: (Ugh! Blondes are so disgusting. I mean really girl, did you even wipe?) Morning Pookie!

Jen: Morning Snookums! Ooh! I love that top. (and i'm sure Eddie and Brian are diggin' it too, you slut. ...and I'm sorry but, if Brian is gay, I'm Mrs. Butterworth! It was hilarious the way his hands were shaking when I asked him to unhook my bra.)

Brian: Oh Jennifer darling, you must tell me where you got those shorts you're wearing, they're... (Shit, what would a fag say!?) ...the living end! (ooh that sucked! that didn't sound gay at all. They're on to me now for sure!)

Eddie: (God! Brian is such a fag. I wonder if he's like checking me out all the time.)

Jen: I can't remember but you wanna go in my room and I'll take them off and you can try em on? (Ha ha ha! Go ahead, try and speak now you phony...)

Brian: h-h.... h-h-h... (C'mon mouth, speak!) h-h-h... H-H-h-h.... (Jesus, I can't speak!) H-H-H-H-h-h...

9.06.22am

You're watching Way Too Real TV—Every single boring little detail.

Cut to Commercial.

Famous Quotes Quiz

Here's a multiple choice quiz to see how well you remember unimportant things famous people said. If you remember every one of these quotes correctly, chances are you've forgotten something important. Like how many children you have. To check your score, you'll find the correct number to the left of the right quote. Good luck!

-by numbsain... Well, do ya punk?!

Charlton Heston said:
1. SOYLENT GREEN HAS TRANSFAT!!!
2. SOY BEANS ARE EVIL!!
3. COLLARD GREENS EAT PEOPLE!!!
4. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!

Charlton Heston said:
1. Get your greedy hands off my butt you damn dirty ape!
2. Take your filthy sandwiches and never come back Mildred!
3. Get your filthy paws off me you damn dirty ape!
4. Unhand me you big hairy gorilla!

Jack Nicholson said:
1. The fruit?! You can't HAVE all the fruit!
2. Vermouth?! You can't be all out of vermouth!
3. The flute?! You call that playing the flute?
4. The truth?! You can't handle the truth!

Jack Nicholson said:
1. Yeah, hold my chicklets between yer tits!
2. Yeah, hold the chicken between your knees!
3. You like chicken? Wait until you get a load of these!
4. Just gimme the flapjacks and there better be a smiley face on it!

Sean Connery said:
1. Bond, Hymie Bond.
2. Bond, James Bond.
3. Blond, dumb Blond.
4. Danger is my middle name, Melvin's my game.

Clark Gable said:
1. Frankie my dear, I hate River Dance.
2. Franklin you queer, I'm not wearing pants.
3. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
4. Frappuccino my dear? I don't like the damn things.

Judy Garland said:
1. Rhinos and peacocks and yaks, how cool!
2. Herpes and syphilis and crabs, oh shit!
3. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
4. Leather and handcuffs and whips, oh boy!

Judy Garland said:
1. Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
2. Frankly Toto, I don't give a damn if we're in Kansas anymore.
3. Toto, get your filthy paws off me you damn dirty dog!
4. Tattoo, show our guests to their cabins.

Rodney King said:
1. Can't we all just get a bunch of pizzas and pig out?
2. I have a dream...
3. Can't you kids just play nice?
4. Can't we all just get along?

Jackie Gleason said:
1. One of these days Alice, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you!
2. One of these days Alice, I'm gonna learn to act!
3. One of these days Alice, BOINK! Right in the kiester!
4. One of these days Alice, POW! Right in the kisser!

Tom Hanks said:
1. Whitney Houston, you have a drug problem.
2. Houston, somethin' jumped up and bit me!
3. One of these day's Houston... Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon.
4. Houston, we have a problem.

Dezi Arnaz said:
1. We'll still be here: a starving Mexican and a half eaten brunette.
2. We'll still be here: a stunning blonde and a damn dirty ape.
3. We'll still be here: a starving Cuban and a dirty brunette.
4. We'll still be here; a lousy actor and a dirty ho.

James Earl Jones said;
1. Luke, I'm your mother.
2. Look, up in the sky...
3. Luke, I don't give a damn.
4. Luke I'm your father.

Lassie said:
1. Meo-o-o-w purr purr.
2. Bark! ...Bark-Bark!
3. Cock-a-doodle-doo-o-o!
4. I'm not an animal, I'm a human being!

Lon Chaney Jr. said:
1. Mortuary! Mortuary!
2. Sanitary! Sanitary!
3. Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
4. Why don't you come up and see me some time?

Robert DeNiro said:
1. I coulda been a contender.
2. I coulda had a V8.
3. I coulda been a ballerina.
4. Adri-i-a-a-a-an!

Robert DeNiro said:
1. Are we talking?
2. Are you talking to me?
3. Am I talking to you? I don't think so.
4. Can we talk?

James Dean said:
1. You're tearing me a new asshole!
2. You're tearing my new shirt!
3. You're ripping me up into teensy weensy pieces!
4. You're tearing me apart!

Clint Eastwood said:
1. Ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya punk?!
2. Are you feelin' lucky? GIT YER HANDS OFF MY DOG! C'mere lucky, did he hurt you boy?
3. Ask yourself one question: "Do I feel hungry? Well, you wanna go grab a bite?
4. Go ahead PUNK! Make me queen for a day ...

Marlon Brando said:
1. I'll make him a omelette he can't digest.
2. I'll give him a hickey he can't explain.
3. I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.
4. I'll make him an offer, and if he refuses, he can keep his lousy candy bar wrapper!

Dustin Hoffman said:
1. I'm pimpin' here!
2. I'm walkin' here!
3. I'm ad libbin' here!
4. Hey you just ran over my foot!

Humphrey Bogart said:
1. Here's looking at you kid.
2. He was looking at me, not you, kid.
3. He looks like your kid.
4. Here's how you look kid, pretty stupid eh?

Greta Garbo said:
1. I vant to suck your blood.
2. I vant to eat a vorm.
3. I vant to be alone.
4. I vish I vas an Oscar Meyer Veiner.

Sylvester Stallone said:
1. I'm your worst nightmare.
2. I'm the worst actor.
3. I'm your fairy godmother .
4. I'm a waste of toilet paper.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said:
1. Hasta la huevos, baby.
2. Hasta la vista, baby.
3. Yo quiero taco bell, baby.
4. I'm the worst actor, baby.

Meryl Streep said:
1. A dingo stole my baby.
2. A baby ate my dingo.
3. A bimbo stole my baby.
4. D. I. N.G.O. and din-go was his name-o.

Adam West said:
1. To the dressing room Robin.
2. To the bat cave Robin.
3. To the fat farm Robert.
4. Let's go spelunking Robin.

Patrick Stewart said:
1. Make it a double number one.
2. Make it so number one.
3. Cause it to happen now number one.
4. I've got to go number one, maybe number two as well.

James Cagney said:
1. You dirty old man...
2. You stinky weasle washing fudge-packer...
3. You dirty rat...
4. You little dickens...

William Shatner said:
1. Muscles, do something...
2. Bones, do something...
3. Skin, do something...
4. Organs, don't just lie there, do something...

Popeye said:
1. Blow my brains out Olive!
2. Olive, you really blow my mind girlfriend!
3. Blow me down!
4. Go blow it out your ass!

Gary Coleman said:
1. Just what are you insinuating Willis?
2. One of these days Willis, BANG! ZOOM! To the mezzanine!
3. Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?
4. Ga-a-arsh Wilbur!

Numbsain's Commercial Break

-by numbsain

Opening day of Little League...

*BOTTOM OF THE FIRST*

Ump: BALL FOUR!! ...Hey Dawson, isn't that your son on the mound? Better go talk to him.

Dad: What's the matter son?

Son: Aw gee dad, i just don't feel...

Dad: Fresh?

Son: Golly, yeah.

Dad: That's okay son. Masculine hygiene problems are nothing to be ashamed of. Try new Testy-Breeze® Masculine Hygiene Spray! When used as directed Testy-Breeze® helps stop masculine odor, itch, and wetness with a new powder fresh formula that leaves no greasy residue and keeps you feeling fresh and masculine all day long! I use it everyday!

Son: But you don't have masculine hygiene problems...

Dad: Exactly!

*THIRD INNING*

Ump: BALL 1! ...Dawson?

Dad: Did you try the Testy-Breeze® Son?

Son: Sure dad, I only have one ball...

Dad: Second one hasn't come down yet eh?

Son: Naw! And the doctor say's I might have to wait until puberty, gee whiz...

Dad: Don't worry son, you need Testy-Breeze Light Days®! Specially formulated for when you're not playing with a full scrotum!

Son: Wow! There's a Testy-Breeze® made just for me?

Dad: Ha-Ha, Hit the showers champ!

*BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH*

Ump: STEEE-RIKE THREE! YOU'RE OUT!!

Dad: WAY TO GO SON!! Ball feeling a little better?

Son: Thanks to Testy-Breeze® and Testy Breeze Light-Days®

Announcer: Four out of Five Penisologists recommend Testy-Breeze® for temporary relief of minor masculine odor, itch and wetness when used as directed, along with regular check-ups, a qualified finger up the ass and a conscientious program of regular masculine hygiene. If symptoms persist, discontinue use and see your doctor or a qualified dick, nut and butt specialist.

TESTY-BREEZE® IS ALWAYS ON THE BALL!

Testy-Breeze Masculine Hygiene Spray® Available at Ballmart, Schlongs Drugs or wherever Masculine Hygiene products are sold!

My Luncheon with Mr. Steven Hawking, by Dr. Numbsain Phd.

Numbsain: Wow! Mr. Hawking I can't tell you what an honor this is. I really appreciate you having lunch with me. (That's fine just roll him right up there) Oh, I mean, If that's okay with Mr. Hawking?

Steven Hawking: Gnyehh... gnyehh... nehhhueng

N.: What? Oh! Sorry, you need your little stick for the robo-voice. Here you go... open... wider.... now bite!... the-e-ere... got it? Go-o-od.

S.H.: Fine... that is fine... it is okay... I can do it... just let go please... thank you.

N.: Oh, okay, your fine, okay (oh I'll just have, like, a ham on rye, hold the cripplesPICKLES!!, cole slaw and maybe a vodka tonic, over and keep 'em comin' yeah, thank you.) Oh and what are you gonna have big guy... er, Mr. Hawking?

S.H.: I will have the same except without the vodka tonic...

N.: Ahah-ha-ha oh yeah... you don't want that! You got enough problems as it is, heh heh-heh...

S.H.: Bring me two Long Island Ice Teas, Doubles, thank you.

N.: Well uh-hawlright Steve! Ha-Ha-Ha oh! Can I call you Steve? Ha-Ha...

S.H.: No.

N.: AHAH-HAH-Huh? eh-heh... eh-heh... Have you eaten here before? Looks like the prices are astronomicalAHAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!! Astro—ha ha, cuz yer, ahah-hah (oh thank you, wow that's really small. Jeez a little stingy on the ham there eh? ...Aah! Never mind, this is the guy I'm here for, Hah hah!) Well, Mr. Hawking, Uh... Sir, How did a guy like you get to be so famous?

S.H.: Well, I first gained notoriety as one of the worlds leading physicists when I showed that any expanding universe described by general relativity must begin with a singularity and, thus, a Big Bang. My theories were confirmed when... Excuse me, but I could have sworn there were two slices of ham on my sandwich a moment ago.

N.: (Chomp chomp) Huh? ...What are you talking about dude? I never saw it! (chomp chomp choff choff) Look on the floor, maybe you dropped it.

S.H.: Down there?... I don't see it. No it is not on the floor. Now I know I had... Okay, where's my bloody cheese?!

N.: What the hell!? Now you think I took yer freakin' cheese dude?...

S.H.: Do not call me dude...

N.: Whatever, I didn't take yer got damn cheese! Look, I gotta go!

S.H.: Wait just one minute there, who's paying for lunch? come back here... (excuse me coming through)... You can't get away that easily!

N.: How the hell are ya gonna catch me, go through a wormhole?!

Waitress: Uh, Mr. Hawking are you ready for the check?

S.H.: gnyehh... gnyehh... ngehh-h...
***********************************************************

Disclaimer: Goldmind's Unwind would like to apologize to anyone who finds this offensive or disrespectful to the handicapped. The fact that we would make fun of an ALS victim makes us mentally deficient so therefor its okay because: If you can't make fun of the handicapped, what good are they? Plus, these are not the views of the blogs authors. Someone forced us to post this crap at gunpoint. Personally I find it despicable but what could I do? Oh for chrissake, lighten up, the guys famous!