Aged Adage Aptitude Test

by numbsain
Have you ever noticed how elders don't really bother to talk about things anymore? They just have those old sayings, gems of wisdom and tidbits of advice that sum up every situation. Here's a multiple choice quiz to see if you were really listening or were they casting pearls before swine.

You can't keep a good man...
a. wrapped in plastic in the freezer
b. From wearing your lingerie
c. a secret
d. down

Necessity is the mother of...
a. evil
b. Hercules
c. all battles
d. invention

You can't make a silk purse...
a. out of a monkeys scrotum
b. out of a sows ear
c. for a dead nurse
d. without breaking a few worms

Many a truth...
a. is said in jest
b. is said at gun point
c. is said with a flourish and a wink
d. is oft' uncouth

The grass is always greener...
a. if you water it
b. when you’re drunk
c. on the other side of the fence
d. in Kentucky in the spring

Father knows..
a. bourbon
b. best
c. squat
d. we hate him

You can take the kid out of the country...
a. but you can't leave him in Mexico
b. but you can't take the country out of the kid
c. but you can't launch him into space
d. But you can't keep running forever

Children should be seen...
a. and not run over
b. within the confines of a cell
c. and not heard
d. and not smelled

All work and no play makes Jack...
a. $$$RICH$$$
b. a dull boy
c. a valuable employee
d. have a midlife crisis at 25

Don't count your chickens...
a. out loud, others are trying to count too
b. before they're hatched
c. on the fingers that you're lickin'
d. feathers, it will take too long

A cat has nine...
a. lives
b. toes
c. ways to recline
d. thoughts a day

You can't teach an old dog...
a. algebra
b. to play dead, it's tempting fate
c. new tricks
d. to walk himself

It's better to have loved and lost...
a. all your teeth than date Lorena Bobbit
b. after you've brushed and flossed
c. count than to only love once
d. than never to have loved at all

The best things in life are...
a. taken
b. free
c. sex, drugs and rock and roll
d. really great

A bird in the hand..
a. is worth two in the bush
b. is usually terrified and will bite you
c. is the best way to deal with rude drivers
d. feels really weird

Time flies when you’re...
a. bored and want to see how fast they can go
b. old
c. having fun
d. going 299,792,458 meters per second

When the going gets tough...
a. the going gets rough
b. the meat gets tender
c. the tough strut their stuff
d. the tough get going

You can lead a horse to water...
a. but you can't lead a fish to hay
b. but you can't give him a bubble bath
c. by giving him clear written directions
d. but you can't make him drink

Winners never quit...
a. so don't try to beat them
b. and quitters never win
c. that's why there are so few of them left alive
d. and witters never quin

Beauty is only...
a. for women
b. until you get old, wrinkly, and saggy
c. skin deep
d. a matter of the right surgeon

Never let them see you...
a. pick your nose and wipe it under the table
b. sweat
c. naked
d. steal cash from your mom's purse

Monkey see...
a. monkey do
b. see? look at the monkey! Isn't he funny
c. all
d. you, monkey kill you

Curiosity killed the...
a. surprise
b. cat
c. lights
d. mood

A watched pot...
a. never grows old
b. head always gets caught
c. Is a happy pot
d. never boils

People who live in glass houses...
a. are exhibitionists
b. shouldn't throw stones
c. are in the clear
d. don't need windows

You can't squeeze blood out of...
a. a hamster
b. a dead hemophiliac
c. a turnip
d. kosher meat

Don't throw good money...
a. in the toilet
b. after bad
c. at beggars
d. out with the bath water

He who laughs last...
a. cries first
b. laughs best
c. is the stupidest
d. voted for Goldminds Unwind

The letter of the right answer for each is indicated to the left of the correct choice.

by numbsain

Goldmind Visits Lady Shady: The ADHD Fortune Teller

by Goldmind

Lady Shady, what do you see?

I see mist…fog…

Why is it foggy?

You’re leaning too close to the crystal ball. It’s condensation from your breath.

Oh, sorry. (leans back) Do you see anything now?

Yes…a car…riding down a highway.

A car riding down a highway?

Yes.

What kind of car?

A 1985 Buick Skylark Sedan with velour upholstery, front wheel drive, and a V6 engine.

Oh. Uh, what is it doing? What’s this about? I mean, what’s the significance of this?

This car once passed you.

Passed me? The car just once passed me? Does this mean anything?

No.

What else do you see?

I see… wait!….I see…you. Yes, you…shopping. You are shopping at a store.

Does this take place in the future?

Yes.

What store is it?

Walmart.

What am I doing?

You’re buying lightbulbs.

Why am I buying lightbulbs?

A lightbulb burned out at your house…you were out of spare lightbulbs. You went to Walmart to buy lightbulbs…Wait! Wait! There’s something else...

What?!!

You’re stopping…on your way to the cash register.

Why am I stopping?

You….you…. you’re picking up a soda. A Coca Cola…a Diet Coke. You’re putting a Diet Coke in a basket.

…. Look, maybe you could just tell me something about…you know…my future. Something where I’m not shopping or being passed by a car. Something I’d want to know now that might happen in the future?

I understand. One moment…one moment please… I’m getting something…it’s dark. It’s very dark.

Why is it dark?

It’s night.

Can you see anything?

No.

Well…can you hear anything?

Yes. I hear…crickets…and traffic in the distance.

Where am I?

In California.

I live in California.

You’re in California still. It’s night. You’re in California at nighttime.

Well, what part of California?

I cannot tell. It is too dark.

…is there ANYTHING you can tell me about the future that might be useful?

I see a struggle.

Between who?

You and me.

What? Why?

You didn't go to the ATM and you haven't got the cash to pay me.

What happens?

I take credit cards.

~Goldmind

Stalemate

by numbsain

B. Today we have a special guest with us. Someone who needs no introduction, so without further ado, let's bring him out shall we?

Audience: (Applause)

B. We’re just all so excited that you were able to come today and talk with us.
M.R. Oh, sure you were.
B. It’s such a thrill to meet you.
M.R. Big thrills.
B. I’m sure you feel the same way, right?
M.R. Oh, of course! my gosh, this is like the high point of my life.
B. Oh come now, my show’s not that special. I’m sure there are others that are more important.
M.R. More important than this? Gosh no, this is as good as it gets.
B. Oh you’re pulling my leg.
M.R. Who me? I wouldn’t dream of it.
B. Are you sure because you sound a little sarcastic to me.
M.R. Really? I can’t imagine why.
B. Look maybe we should just wrap it up.
M.R. Oh, I’m so disappointed.
B. Your hurting my feelings.
M.R. Aw your feelings? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
B. are you sure?
M.R. Positive.
B. You really do like my show?
M.R. Absolutely.
B. Aw, that’s so nice, but you know, I never realized how gullible you were.
M.R. What? are you serious?
B. Hyuk Hyuk! Gotcha!
M.R. You set me up! I’ll get you for this!
B. Oh, a little hostile are we?
M.R. You’re damn right I’m hostile.
B. You’re serious?
M.R. You have no idea. Did you forget, I can destroy you with one phone call?
B. Okay look, I didn’t want to say this but I know what you did with those kids and I’ve got enough on you to have you thrown in prison for a long time, Mr. Rogers!
M.R. Think about it: if I go down, You're going down with me, Barney.
B. Grrr...
M.R. Hmm...

B. It’s a beau-ti-ful day in the neigh-bor-hood a...

M.R. I love you, you love me, were a hap-py fa-mi-ly...

~numbsain

The lost poems of the lesser known "Robby Frost" (not Robert)

by Cheddar

The Language of Love

My Darling-

Do you fecal the long winter nights, when best of intestines we had?
When ‘twas vogue to cuddle and giggle and toilet our hearts be glad?
Can you remember me colon you up, words of true love in my heart?
And how I’d manure myself close beside you, our forms a work o’ fart?
We would double date with Ernie and Sue, and when the night was dung,
they anus would crowd ‘round the piano to sing every song that we sung.
Commode my darling, look in my eyes, and tell me our love shall ordure.
Tell me the state of emotion urine and that the love that we feel is still pure.
And know the excrement that I felt when I met you remains with me to this day.
And no matter how offal the world becomes, I’m guano love you the very same way.
The very same way every day.

One False Step

Let not thy poodle run free ‘pon the earth,
And let not thy dachshund roam
Let not thy collie untethered frolic
And stray from the boundaries of home
Nay, let not thy beagle in careless abandon
Run carelessly through all the yews
For let it be known, dear friends and neighbors
That feces is bad for the shoes.

Swordfighting: A Haiku

Pants around ankles
I stand in preparation
To meet your onslaught

A peepee epee
Is my God given weapon
To counter your thrusts

Obscene is our joust
To the casual observer
But for us it's grand

What else would we do
'pon a typical Sunday,
Play cribbage or such?

It's over like that,
I now stand victorious
O'er your innate form

And sheathe my weapon
In it's rubber scabbard….
The spoils are now mine.

~Cheddar

25 Worst American Bands (pray you've not heard them)

{List compiled by staff. Lft to rt: numbsain, Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness}

25. Crotch Mold Fever

24. Billy Gay and the Flamers

23. Beaver Bean Buttons

22. Obese Anorexics Obsessed with Paradox

21. Kid Glove and the Soft Peddlers

20. Jewish Tragedy

19. Heraclitis and the Clits

18. The Redneck Pick-Ups

17. The Angry Astral Projectors

16. The Vegetable Brothers

15. Nair Supply

14. The Red Hot Silly Lepers

13. Thousand Islanders Undressing

12. Prömschpien

11. Erect Homo Sapien and the Copulating Inseminators

10. Jerry Atric and the Dinofarts

9. Toe Jam

8. Steve Sphincter and the Fecal Four

7. Squashing Eggplants

6. Soundfartin'

5. Jefferson Crop Duster

4. Spittany Beers & Tuskin Jimberlink

3. Stinkfinger

2. Damp Hamster

1. Boyz2Girlz

~Cheddar, numbsain, Goldmind, Guiness

Sometime in the Distant Future.... (Episodes-3&4 Just added!)

~by numbsain

T. Interesting... fascinating... very unusual... I think you had better come look at this, Moron"

M. What is it now, Tampax?

T. No, not now, 4000 years in the past. I'm not sure exactly but it appears to be a document recorded using crude binary code and transmitted electronically.

M. Can you make out what it says?

T. It will take me 2.7 minutes to decipher and another 4.3 nanoseconds to transcribe. Shall I proceed?

M. Very well, but hurry.

T. Working on it. This animate blob has a very disturbing appearance, it seems to be a life form. Corporeal carbon based. Extremely primitive.

M. Is it aware of our presence?

T. Unlikely. Even if it did have the mental capacity to perceive us, it would have no way of understanding what it was sensing.

M. What is it doing?

T. It seems to be activating an electron manipulating device with its appendages by closing circuits which produce small changes in the radiated output of this light emitting substrate as well as changes to the electronic document I am attempting to decipher. Let me archive search this activity... give me a nanosecond.

M. Be quick Tampax I haven't got all second.

T. Here it is: that is a human being, a primitive life form that once inhabited the third planet of this star, the one we presently occupy, and it is inputting data into a device called a computer.

M. But why would such a creature be involved in so specific an activity? Shouldn't it be scurrying around trying to absorb sustenance from its environment?

T. My guess is that it is entering data into this communication bulletin for global broadcast. These bulletins are called "Blogs." They are transmitted for a variety of communication purposes. This ones purpose is "humor."

M. Humor? Was that not the method by which ancient life forms prevented self destruction and were able to delay their extinction for several generations longer than was expected?

T. Yes. By incorporating humor into their thoughts, they evolved to a point where they came very close to crossing the dimensional barriers which confined them to limited durations and delayed the process of physical decay.

M. But only a few of these beings actually succeeded in producing and transmitting humor of that magnitude. Check the archives let's see if the data matches

T. Look at that! This blog is entitled "Goldmind's Unwind" and that is the title of the blog that survived the longest and almost allowed this life form to cross over the dimensional barrier.

M. Incredible! what is it doing now Tampax?

T. I do not know Moron but there seems to be a correlation between our thought transmissions and the data it is inputting.

M. What? Are you sure?

T. I'm going to configure that device to directly translate in real time.

M. What will this tell us?

T. !!... Repeat.

M. What will this tell us?

T. Repeat again!!!!

M. Is there a malfunction with your bioreceptors Tampax? That is the second repetition you've requested.

T. Don't you see it!?

M. What is that? There it just did it again!!

T. Testing... Testing 1... 2... 3... Most alarming. How could this be?

M. I don't know, but it is perfectly tracking our thoughts... look at that. It did it again! ...every time. What is it doing with the data?

T. Entering it into this humor blog!

M. Do you mean to say this life form is somehow tracking our thoughts and entering it into this blog for the purpose of humor!!??

T. Yes, Moron and it is transmitting everything we are saying all across this planet to others of its kind 4000 years ago!!!

M. There are others listening to what we are saying and it is humor to them?

T. Yes.

M. Tampax, do you realize what this means?

T. They are laughing at us!

M. Those horrible primitive beasts!

T. How dare they! Do they have any idea how superior we are to them?! Of all the unmitigated audacity. I hate these creatures! Stop it! Stop mocking me!

M. Quick Tampax, Encrypt our thoughts so they can't make fun of us anymore!

T. Right away, Moron. Just one more nanosecond... there!

#. (*)_^&%*(()_ˆ¨¥†©˙

fl. ∆˙¬˙©ƒ∂Í∆¬…æ

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This concludes our broadcast of "Tampax & Moron—Jokes from the Distant Future"
Pyscho-interdimensionally channeled and recorded by Numbsain of Goldminds Unwind: The Blog that almost saved the Human Race.

-Numbsain

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The Continued Adventures of Tampax and Moron—Jokes from the Distant Future"

M. What's the matter Tampax? Why so glum?

T. Glum? Is that not an emotion? We are highly evolved light beings. We do not have emotions. And I resent you implying that I do, Moron.

M. I did not imply that you had emotions Tampax, but you've been moping around this enclosure for minutes now, ever since those silly carbon based humans made a total mockery of us.

T. Moping? I beg your pardon Moron, but I do not mope. And they did not make a total mockery of us. It was a partial mockery.

M. No, I'm afraid not Tampax, it was a total mockery. Did you see the way the corners of its sustenance receptacle were turned up slightly and it kept making the hukking sound? Those were indicators of a response to humor, Tampax. They thought we were hilarious.

T. You're lying Moron!

M. No. Tampax, I wish I were. Another nanosecond or two and that human being might have been rolling on the floor with laughter. It might have been in tears in fact. You really tickled its funny bone.

T. What? Me? Are you trying to be insensitive? I mean, not that I care because I am far too advanced to feel pride or shame or embarrassment or any of the other human being emotions.

M. Ah, I see you've been studying them too. Yes these emotions seem to be the most intriguing of their qualities... From a research standpoint that is.

T. Oh don't bullshit me Moron you know you find it a little more than intriguing, you big... presenter of a false impression of ones self for the purpose of bolsteri—

M. Phony? I believe is the word you are looking for.

T. So what if it is? You ARE a big phony Moron because you think you are so great but you are not. Don't even talk to me Moron. I hate you.

M. Oh come now Tampax, I saw you eyeing those seratonin ports in that human's brain. I saw your visual cortex become flushed with neurons in anticipation of the humans dopamine receptors being rewarded.

T. It must have been so... pleasurable.

SUDDENLY, A PAIR OF FELLOW LIGHT BEINGS MATERIALIZE BEFORE TAMPAX AND MORON...

B. Greetings Moron and Tampax.

M. Who are you?

P. We are Pepsi and Blistex, we were sent by the Controller Mega-Gulp to intervene.

T. Intervene? But why, we have done nothing wrong. We were ju—

M. Forget it, Tampax. We can't weasel our way out of this, they know what we've done. Go ahead terminate us. Once we've had a taste of it, we'll never stop trying to get it. We knew the risk we were taking but it was worth it, wasn't it Tampax?

T. Huh? ...What...

M. WASN'T IT TAMPAX?

T. Uh... Oh! Yes! it was worth it. We knew we would be caught but we loved doing it so much that we said "This will be worth it" and it was.

B. Why?

P. Blistex NO!

Will Blistex and Pepsi succumb to the temptation of human emotions or will they terminate Moron and Tampax as they were sent to do? Find out next time on:
The Adventures of Tampax, Moron, Blistex & Pepsi—Renegade Jokes of the Distant Future... Oops!

~Numbsain


*****************************************************

The Adventures of
TAMPAX & MORON—JOKES FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE
Episode 3—Tampax & Moron Go Corporeal

T: Well, here we are Moron... Highly evolved light beings ... pure intellect... completely free of emotion...

M: That we are, Tampax, that we are.

T: ...Our existence is unbelievably boring, Moron.

M: That it is, Tampax, that it is

T: I have been wondering, Moron...

M: Wondering is a futile activity... but I suppose, what else have you got to do.

T: What is it like to be corporeal, to have emotions, to...

M: Procreate?

T: What do you mean? What is Procreate?

M: Well Tampax, long, long ago, in a time land forgot, life forms merged their physical bodies in order to procreate, conceive and bear offspring. When they did, they would experience a physical reward.

T: Intriguing! ...But I doubt I would be affected.

M: I'm sure you would not.

T: ...Why not, Moron?

M: Because we are far too advanced for such base pursuits.

T: We are not THAT advanced.... But I suppose you are right. It would be so... base.

M: Oh yes, terribly base.

T: (sigh)

M: Indeed.

T: Moron, I want to be corporeal! Just once! Can we Moron? Please?

M: Hmm, it would broaden our scope of understanding.

T: We must choose hosts!

M: I have already chosen them.

T: You have?!

M: Yes, I anticipated this and already arranged it. For your host I have chosen a female designated: "Angelina Jolie" and for myself, I chose a perfect specimen, one that was both intelligent and physically endowed so that I may experience corporeality to its fullest. It is the one called Numbsain.

T: Wait a nanosecond Moron, I will be Angelina Jolie and you will be Numbsain? That is very humorous. Why would Angelina Jolie procreate with Numbsain? She is WAY out of his league...

M: Look, do you want to do this or not Tampax?

T: YES!

M: Alright then, let us commence.

(A FEW BRIEF FLASHES OF LIGHT LATER)

M: How do you "feel" Tampax?

T: Oh my! This is a most unusual Moron! I can feel the urges you spoke of...

M: Uh... Tampax? Why are you grinding your center portion into mine? Are you trying to occupy the same physical space as me?

T: I do not know Moron, It is an instinctive reflex. I will try to control it...

M: No! That is okay Tampax. You may continue if it is, as you say, "an instinctive reflex" You should see yourself though Tampax. Your appearance seems to reveal your thoughts. Here, look into this reflective surface.

T: That is me?! How shocking! Those facial expressions are so embarrassing.

M: How ironic, you were never this turned on as a light being.

T: I am not "turned on," Moron! You speak of me as if I were a tawdry "red" light of Earth's "Amsterdam" region or a "Psychodelicate" "black" light of Earth's "Hippy" era.

M: I see you have studied these creatures quite extensively. And the term is "psychodelic."

T: Well you seem to be well versed yourself Moron. In any case, I do not wish to endure any more of this humiliation. Remove me from this corporeal host.

M: Oh alright.

(A FEW BRIEF FLASHES OF LIGHT LATER)

M: Well, that was VERY intriguing, don't you think Tampax? Especially the part when you...

T: I do not wish to discuss it Moron!

(To be continued)

****************************************************************************************

The Adventures of
TAMPAX, MORON, PEPSI & BLISTEX—JOKES FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE
Episode 4: Pepsi & Blistex Come Out

Pepsi: Greetings Tampax and Moron.

Tampax: Where have you two been? I noticed your enclosures were vacant.

Blistex: We... uh... had to step out... for some... reason...

Moron: What "reason" pray tell?

P: Uh... what Blistex meant to say was, we were conducting research.

B: Yes! Research! That is what we were doing! So you see, there is no need to suspect...

P: Enough, Blistex! Do not oversell it.

B: Oh no, I was just...

P: Blistex!!

T: Let Blistex speak. This sounds interesting.

P: IT WAS NOT INTERESTING! It was boring research, let it go, Tampax!

M: There is no need to escalate our thought projections, Pepsi. We are all advanced light beings here.

T: Some more advanced than others.

B: Excuse me? Just what are you insinuating, Tampon?

T: My designation is "TAMPAX" not "Tampon," BEESWAX!

P: Hey, hey, hey! No need for intentionally assigning erroneous designations, Tampax. Besides, Blistex and I are clearly the more advanced light beings.

M: The void you are, PAP SMEAR! Tampax and I make you two look like a couple of human beings.

B: How did you know about the human beings? Did you see us occupying them?

P: Oh Blistex you guileless buffoon, will you please shut up?!

T: AHA! So you were occupying human forms TOO!

M: SHUT UP, TAMPAX!!!

T: Oops! I, er, uh, meant the TWO of you...

B: Pepsi, they did it too! Did you hear that?

P: Blistex you blabber-brain, do you ever shut up?

M: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT ENOUGH OF THIS! So we were all occupying human beings. Get over it. perhaps we should share what we have learned from the experience. Tampax and I occupied Angelina Jolie and Numbsain and experienced animal drives first hand. Which human beings did you two occupy?

B: We chose numbsains fellow bloggers Goldmind and Cheese. And we too were unable to control our base instinctive urges to procreate...

T: WHAT!?

M: Are you serious?!

P: Oh, Blistex, you idiot... Ix-nay on the ocreation-pray!

B: What?

T: Psha-ha-ha-ha! AHA-HA-HA-HA!!

M: HA-HA-HA Hey Tampax, they are fancy light beings! HA-HA-HA! Dainty little chandelier lights! HOO-HOO-HO-HO-HA-HA-HEE-HEE!! How sweet!

B: What are you laughing about?

T: HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE HA-HA-HA-HA!!

(to be continued)

Ask Dr. Scientist - the smartest person in the whole damn world

Dear Dr. Scientist,

If the world is shaped like a ball, how come we’re not upside down?

B. Specky

Dear Mr. Specky,

Because we’re on top of the ball; the Chinese are upside down.

Dear Dr. Scientist,

When mommy says “don’t let the bed bugs bite” every night; how am I supposed to stop them? And how can I keep my welts from itching?

Pooh

Dear Pooh,

The chemical compound hydrochloric acid is the aqueous solution of hydrogen chloride gas. It is a potent acid, the major component of gastric acid and of wide industrial use. It should eliminate the bugs as well as the itching. In fact, nothing will be left, including your arm. This could produce lethal fumes; open a window before your arm falls off.

Dear Dr. Scientist,

Why do ghosts come out of my toilet after I sit on it?

Sock Puppet

Dear Sock Puppet,

Were you playing with a ouija board while eating prunes or commercial laxatives? You have what we scientists refer to as “etherealus excrementalus fecalium phantasmus.” Place 12 votive candles in a circle around your toilet bowl. Stick your head in the bowl approximately six millimeters from the surface of the fetid water. Repeat the following: “Пожалуйста оставьте этот священный шар о сердитым алкоголем этого туалета. Я призываю весь дружественный антитуалетный алкоголь для помощи. Чистите этот шар.” This should create a space-time rift through which the excrement can evacuate through your pipes and make its way back safely to its own astral plane, while saving face.

Dear Dr. Scientist,

I'm pregnant. If I have sex, can I get pregnant again?

Yours [if you want]

Ellie Mae

Dear Ellie Mae,

Of course you can dearie. Just how do you think triplets are made? The eggs are always ready and waiting in the chamber, so if you engage in unprotected intercourse, you may wind up with twins, triplets, even octoplets. I strongly urge you to abstain, unless you want to build an entire family with one 9-month gig. Unfortunately, I cannot contribute.

Herr Dr. Scientist,

Ist das für eine person möglich, von sich selbst herauszubekommen und in ihrer analyse völlig objektiv zu sein? Ich würde denken, dass es unmöglich ist, das zu tun. Was denken Sie?

Aufrichtig,

Hans

Lieber Hans,

Ich denke, dass es nicht möglich ist, weil das Paradigma, das Sie verwenden würden, um “objektiv” zu bewerten, durch Ihre vorherige Erfahrung verdorben wird. Es gibt keine Weise, sich von Ihren eigenen Erfahrungen ander zu entfernen, als, jene Erfahrungen nicht gehabt zu haben. Denken Sie daran.

Dear Dr. Scientist,

Why is it that, after exhaustive research, I’ve found that half the people in the world have below average intelligence?

Brock

Dear Brock,

That’s too much of a coincidence. Check the accuracy of your calculations because what are the odds of that? Really; I think it is wrong... Wait there’s someone here that says I’m an idiot. Let me get back to you on this.

Dear Dr. Scientist,

I noticed a very strange kind of fungus growing on the walls of the cellar where mommy and daddy make me live. I’m really worried that it will get on the food that they throw down the stairs to me and make me sick. Should I worry?

Mike Ology

Dear Mike,

Is it a yeast or a mold? In either event, I would not be concerned. Whatever fungus it is will likely assist your small intestines decompose rotting flotsam and jetsam making its way through your digestive tract. It is true you could die. However, your spirit body does not require nutrition, apart from photonic spirit energy radiating from the center of our universe. Any remedial text can explain this.

Dear Dr. Scientist,

Why do I see smoke coming out of joggers' mouths and noses when they run down my street on cold mornings? I thought smoking was unhealthy???

Sincerely,

Duhglas

Dear Duhglas,

Well, thank you for lobbing such a softball so early in the morning. I am going to explain this as simply as possible, in layman's terms, if you will. When human beings and dogs exercise, they do something that is called "burning calories." You must realize that the burning process involves some type of heat or flame produced in the bowel of the beast as it moves quickly, and the residual smoke must exit at some orifice. The exhalations, even passing gas, will release the smoke. I suggest you try a bit of exercise and see for yourself how your body rids itself of excess smoke from your burning calories. Have a nice day.

Dear Dr. Scientist,

I’ve been working with different strains of deadly airborne bacteria and I seem to have inadvertently released a particularly virulent variety into my schools ventilation system. Within the first 15 seconds, 90 percent of the students and the entire faculty were killed. The only living survivors are myself and the cheerleading squad who were out on the field. What should I do? ...I’m scared.

Raymond

Dear Raymond,

You’re alone with the entire cheerleading squad!? Dude I am so-o-o- jealous of you! Whattaya mean ya don’t know what to do???? Are you Crazy?!?!?!?!

~Goldmind, numbsain, Guiness, Cheddar

Malfunctioning Cat

Archeologists Discover Recording of Psychiatrists Performing Rap Concert

Editor's note: The following is a startling transcription of a recently discovered phonographic recording of psychoanalysts Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung engaging in what appears to be the first "rap" ever recorded.

Now Si-gi-Sig-mund Freud that is the name I use
I said I come from a line a' bril-liant Jews
So don't be mes-sin' with me. So don't be raisin' the Reich.
'Cause I am the def psych doc who repair ya Mic.

Now twenty years ago, you know my Uncle Fred
Well now he snuck all up, into ma' ver-y bed
And just what happened there, ya' know I cannot say,
But it affect ma' view right to this very day.

So now my protégée, you know he ain't so dumb
da brotha go by the name o' DJ Jung.
So Jung an-a-lyze, So Jung take the mic,
Jung diagnose them brothers now with all your might.

My name is Jung! I got the lung!
So y'all sit back and listen to ma’ crafty tongue.
I'm gonna break ya down, transfer it right
Gonna blind you all, wit' psy-chi-a-tric light

Yo syn-chro-nic-ity…yo ancient ar-che-type…
I'll make sucka-PhDs-grab-fo-their-baby-wipes
Collective con-scious-ness…project ma’ thoughts all night
Super-ego, Id…I conquer ever’ fright

Well NOW ya know, what cha deal-in' with
So take our rap to heart or you become a myth
And take two of these, because you are a wreck
Freud and Jung are done…here's your

check…check…check

~Goldmind, numbsain

The Jiblitz n’ Gravy Spanksgivin’ Special

J & G: Howdy Gastronauts

J: I’m Jiblitz!

G: and I’m Gravy!

We’re Jiblitz n’ Gravy and we’re here to ejumacate all you balls and curls out there in TV land how to whoop up a lipspanking linger flickin’gastro-intestinal-icious Spanksgivin’ Fiest that’ll knock yer hockey sox off like a ratchet loppers on cornstalk!

J: And it won’t cost a chiggers nipple neither!

G: ‘Ats right Jib’ cause we do the way them ol’pilgrims used ta do: cheek and eepanomical like. Ya see, the ‘grims didn’t have a whole heap a wallet wampum so they had to skrimp and save like a shaved squirrel in an acorn fire. But at the same time, show them Packachicklets a thing or two about gourmet cookin’

J: Yep it was all about one-uppin them Nippantuckets, and they ain’t had no Souix chefs so they raped the villages and pillaged the women like teenage termites on a scrotum pole. But after a hard days a work, they come back with a whole honky heapa a helpins to make your eyes water and yer mouth pop right outta yer damnfool sprockets. Oo-oowhee!

G: So git out yer fryin’ pants and into the fire ‘cause we gonna have ourselves a FOOD‘N-NANNY!!!

J: HE-E-E-EHAW!! GOLLAMEE-JILLICKERS ‘SGONNA BE TASTIER’N a TON O’ Toe-tappin...flippy... jappa...loopy... sloppin...

G: Shuddup Jiblitz. Try ta keep yer exuberatin’ down to within the limits o’city ordinances. Now whatcha got for us there Jib’?

J: Well Gravy, norman-mailery Thanks diggin’ giver’s all about a big ol’ honkin’ gollywhomper of a turkey. But I’ll be rumpsnuggled if I can shell out the buckaneers for one them yardpeckers. So as a subs-ti-tooty ah got me one them there bearcats! But plaid-gasket, ain’t nobody gonna know the damn differentiation any hooters-the-size-a-warty-melons!

G: Don’t make no never mind, she’ll look like a winner once we skin’ er! Meat; it’s what’s for dinner!

J: And what-cha-ma-gonna-ma stuff that mongoose with, Gravy?

G: Better question is: what aint we, Jib’. We gonna lard ‘er up with everything and its mother, includin’ the stitchin’ kink!

J: You mean the stinkin’ kitch?

G: Close enough cause madder ‘n a fact that’s where we gonna git it! We gonna show y’all how to make jenny-you-whine chestgut stuffin’ out o’ scrapin’s from the garbage disposal.

J: That’s dis-gusting Gravy.

G: Oh Countcha hair moan frere, its gonna be adelica-smellica-toyota celica-see and I’ll tell ya why...

J: Wise hat?

G: On a counter we make everything fresh as aday-she-was-born.

J: So lets do it without further ado, first we take a loaf a Uncle Pa’s Inn Bread an hack it to bits wif a chain saw massacre (BR-R-R-O-O-OW-W-D-D-d-d)

G: Whoa! Easy with that thing turbinado. You better count yer fingers.

J: Hold on a minute... GRAVY! I got FIVE! Wait’ll aunt Ma hears about this!

G: Jib? Jib? Come in Jib!? Nextly, we incarcerate this trash barrel full o’ megetable veggely. We got keys and parrots, teets and pernips, artabagas and rutachokes!

J: That’s a pro lotta ho-duce Gravy.

G: I ain’t done, jumpy-the-gun.

J: Well zip my lip and flog me with sally.

G: Maybe later mush potater. Now we has to infiltrate the amalgamation with real imitation chestnuts. Weakin’ o’ spitch, we need to introduce the savory herbs. Parsley meet dill, mustard meet thyme. Tarragon, pepper...

J: The pleasures all mine.

G: Tumeric, cumin meet basil and salt, If bay leaves with sage, its oregano’s fault! Great Humpin-Ja-blowz-a-fat! We almost forgot...The Mono-scrodium grew-ta-mate! Now all ya gotta do is shovel the whole smitten kaboodle right up that varmints pookie chute and...and...

J: Whut seems to be the bowelfunction Gravy?

G: Well I’ll be pickled stink and monkey whipped, Jiblitz. We plum fergot ta hollow ‘em out!

J: Oh well Gravy, we done plum run outta time.

WE’RE JIBLITZ N’ GRAVY! GOOD NIGHT ‘N HAVE A BITE!

Jiblitz N’ Gravy was brought to you by: Maalox and Queazy & Wretch Brand Stomach Pumps and Barf Bags.

~numbsain

The Littlest Justice

As the history of our republic unfolds, our judicial branch continues to produce generations of scholars who cloak the profession in vests of honor: John Marshall…Benjamin Cardoza…Learned Hand. These juristic giants are, however, microscopic in comparison to the man who stood a mere 8 inches tall. A man whose hypnotically poetic name hints at an intelligence so vast it could only be understood in German: the little known, Cormorant Chewink Crane.

Cormorant Chewink Crane’s meteoritic rise to our nation’s highest court began on Christmas in 1907. On that auspicious day, Crane witnesses his grandfather, a Yale-educated sugar baron, slip into a fatal coma while roasting acorns and playing his Jew’s Harp. The elder Crane had finally succumbed to rabies, a disease unwittingly contracted when the family’s pet Hungarian Partridge pecked its way through a sugarcane pen and, confused and emboldened by the rapid influx of sucrose, attacked the elderly Crane’s ear, mistaking it for a scarlet berry. The untimely death was catalytic: Cormorant swore to his comatose grandfather that he would immediately quit his job as a cigar-store Indian and become a respect jurist.

True to his word, Cormorant Crane completed a lengthy legal apprenticeship in 1908 and went to work as a prosecutor in New York City. Within a year, a fortuitous event brought Crane to the attention of then-President Theodore Roosevelt. In 1909, while hiking through a forest in New Guinea, Roosevelt was savagely ambushed by a flock of Shamrock Macaws. Recognizing the opportunity, Crane extradited the flock to America for prosecution. Although unable to pin charges of racketeering or attempted murder, Crane was successful with charges of tax evasion and the birds were sent to Alcatraz. By summer’s end, Crane had been appointed to the federal bench.

Steadily, Crane gained confidence in his ability to disguise tenuous ideological assertions as opinions grounded in law. His burgeoning skill was never more apparent than in his clever handling of a hybrid trust in the landmark decision, Gibbons v. Goblin. In Goblin, Gibbles Gooble, a zookeeper suffering from lycanthropy, declared a trust giving one of the zoo’s gibbon’s legal title and broad discretionary powers to hold a bag of crackers in trust for the Goblins, a family of plumhead parakeets. The case reached Crane’s court when Gables Goblin, one of the parakeets, filed a motion to terminate the trust and thereby prematurely reach the delicious salty crackers. Gibbon argued that because Gibbles gave Gibbon broad discretionary powers over the Goblins trust, the trust implicitly indicated it was Gooble’s material purpose not to terminate the trust. Dissecting the issues with his scholarly scalpel, Crane concluded that the power to sell crackers did not signal a protective intention on the part of the zookeeper to prevent the parakeets from terminating the cracker trust. On appeal, Goblin was upheld. Impressed with Crane’s mastery of trust law, Herbert Hoover nominated him for a recently vacated seat on the U.S Supreme Court.

Basking in the glory of his prestigious nomination, Crane returned to his hometown to receive a plaque memorializing his accomplishments. No one, however, could have anticipated the tragedy that would soon unfold. As the festivities were winding down, an opposition member of the Senate Confirmation Committee handed Crane a red helium balloon. Too light to prevent it from lifting him off the earth’s surface, Crane gracefully floated into the stratosphere, waving to the crowd as he ascended. He was never seen again.

For the past 50 years, sailors traveling the Atlantic have reported seeing a small man floating across the horizon. Some claim he visits their anchored ships while they sleep, resolving their unconscious conflicts. Although such tales are of dubious authenticity, Crane’s spirit undoubtedly lives on. That spirit continues to inspire generations of law students who have come to recognize that, within each of us—particularly lawyers—there is little justice. Let us never forget Cormorant Chewink Crane: the littlest Justice.

~Goldmind