10 Scary Movies You Cannot or Should Not See

“Day of the Night” 50’s era schlock about invaders from Neptune who use laser technology to reverse the earth’s cycle of night and day. Global chaos erupts when nighttime lasts 24 uninterrupted hours. A normal 12 hour day ensues, however, and the night/day pattern reasserts itself and everyone forgets what happened. Stars Elvis Presley as the crooning Neptunian and Ann Margaret as the femme fatale who steals his heart.

“The Six Cents” About a nickel and a penny; every time a person holds these coins they go slowly insane and commit suicide, after which they are plagued by visions of live people whom they've left behind; these live folks are happy, don't miss the dead, and are seen laughing about "how crazy was that sonnuvabitch."

“Heck bound Heck Raiser 1- The not so nice bad guy” Tired of explicit titles, social purists got together to produce this “horror” movie about a somewhat grumpy guy doing a couple naughty things to some very nice people. After a serious heart-to-heart, he winds up seeing the error of his ways and everyone hugs at the end. Put test audiences to sleep.

“Poltergeist 7-The modern Era” This time, Carol Anne gets trapped inside an mp3 player. The medium, Tangina Barrons, must open a portal through the home’s high tech panic room while the mother, Diane, dons virtual gloves and plays Nintendo Wii in a desperate effort to bring her back. Movie canceled only because Craig T. Nelson could not be reached for the role of the dubious dad.

“The Present” A shy, introverted boy slowly breaks out of his shell by befriending a wrapped gift box he discovers hidden in his parent’s closet. Complications arise when the present begins to molest the child under the pretense she is the boy’s wife from the future who has come back to the past to warn him about the possibility of her molesting him as a present in the future.

"Freddy Kruger meets Jason meets Chuckie meets Dracula meets Godzilla" Intended to be the ultimate showdown between the superstars of horror, the film never even got to the cutting room as everyone involved was killed in the first five minutes of it's inception.

“The Hillbillies Have Eyes” A family of hillbillies moves to Beverly Hills, and starts a very bizarre collection of their guests' eyes, leading police along a murderous trail of eyeless corpses bearing no connection to the Hillbillies. Mr. ClampIt puts his guest's head in a vice to assist with the eye removal procedure. Rated NC 17.

“Outhouse” Was to be the prequel to “House.” Richard Moll, face bleeding and distorted, rises out of outhouse hole to torment the living. Movie failed when Moll outright refused to be covered in feces.

“The Rhode Island Razorblade Redundancy” Hitchhikers are trapped in a desolate Rhode Island...umm...warehouse where they are pursued by a fat man wearing....a ....latex mask. He is known as “latex head”. He captures them one by one and slices them to pieces with razorblades. All the while his off-kilter family stands by and assists. Completely original. Heh. But it still sits unmade because no one in their right mind will copyright it.

“We’ll eat your brains out when we’re ready” Rarely seen Slovakian addition to the zombie genre about six lazy sailors who die in a freak uranium typhoon. The uranium alters their DNA such that they become radioactive brain-eating night walkers. Rather than eat the brains of potential human victims, however, the procrastinating zombies elect to sit in lawn chairs on a remote beach and pass the time observing the ebb and flow of the sea. The zombies soon die of starvation, but return to life, once again. The film abruptly ends when, frustrated at their inability to move as a result of their weakened state, the zombies eat themselves in a gory climax.

“We weren’t kidding when we say that we’ll eat your brains out when we’re ready” The second segment in the “brains out” series, in which the zombie sailors, having been consumed, return as troubled, digested spirits. No longer in need of physical sustenance, the ghosts pass time engaging in ill-fated attempts to grasp physical objects in the denser earth plane. After repeated failures, the ghosts plaintively call out to their spirit guides, who appear in brilliant, shimmering balls of white light. The zombies are forced to view their past lives, make restitution, and ultimately reincarnate as The Rolling Stones.

~Goldmind, Cheese, Guinness, numbsain

The Peculiar Tale of Old Man Cravetts

Old man Cravetts was a crochety old geezer. Used to sit on his front porch and crochet everything from doilies and douche bag cozies to donut pillows and cat scrotum warmers. Now, since he was older than night time, Cravetts was feared and hated by the neighborhood children. Even so, he’d always try to crochet things for them as they rode by on their bikes throwing things at him he’d previously crocheted for them. “Ya know I try to be nice to those kids and they just don’t appreciate me,” he laménted as he cut into another bolt of heavy metal print fabric. “Maybe this Lars Ulrich afghan will get their attention.” He muttered cheerily to himself.

One blistery autumn morning, Cravetts strolled out onto his front porch for another day of yarn wasting when there on his front lawn was little Bobby Youngonion lying unconscious and covered with blisters. “Now don’t lie to me you little wrapped scallion, I know you’re not unconscious and what are you doing all wrapped up in that blister pack? You want me to ship you off over fed-ex?” That was a little joke Cravetts often made because his over-fed ex wife used to eat children.

Well, Bobby was conscious, but barely, for when he removed the bubble packing from the boy he noticed he was covered with second degree burns! “Oh my gizzards” shouted Cravetts, “what happened to you boy?” “Ow,” bobby moaned, signaling for him to douse him with cool distilled water to prevent infection and then to call the local paramedics by twitching his left pinky. But Cravetts ignored Bobby’s instructions. “I’d better take you inside, slather you with butter, wrap you up in fabric bandages, nurse you back to health and raise you as my own son!” said Cravetts. “Oh god please no! Just shoot me now, you insane old coot” indicated Bobby by widening his right eye and then fainting.

Several painful weeks later on October 31st, while Cravetts took an epsom salts bath to sooth his painful muscles from hoisting the boy up to change his bandages three times a day, Bobby drifted into consciousness and managed to stumble out of bed and make his way to the front door. Still wrapped from head to toe in bandages, the boy stumbled out the door and down the street toward the “safe” neighborhood where all his friends were trick or treating gayly.

“Hey where ya been Youngonion!” one of his friends shouted. “Nice costume,” he added, but Bobby was beside himself from the pain and continued hobbling toward his home. When he arrived, his mother was waiting on the front step furious. “Where have you been for the past three weeks young man?” she shrieked wickedly. Bobby started to explain but thought his mother would see that he was critically burned and call the paramedics. But she did not because it was HALLOWEEN and so, instead of caring for his raw painful infected skin, she started beating him mercilessly as any good mother would do to a boy with healthy skin after being gone for so long. Then she shoved him up the stairs and into his room where he screamed in agony all night. “Oh be quiet up there you big phony” his mother yelled, never realizing her son was on the verge of death. Finally at 2:00 a.m., his raw infected body gave out and death mercifully came to Bobby Youngonion on Halloween night.

How he got burned in the first place and why a cat would need a scrotum warmer remains a mystery to this day. Oh yeah and that crotchety old geezer was a mystery too.

~numbsain

The Not So Scary Tale of the Possessed Kapok Tree

Within the fiery catacombs of hell, there once lived seven tremendously evil demons. For sport, they would spin their heads around backwards, elongate their pierced tongues, speak drunken gibberish, or dance counterclockwise around horned beasts while chanting cryptic Latin phrases.

Eternity is a long time so, despite their playful activities, the seven demons soon became bored. Eventually, the demons worked up the courage to approach Old Scratch himself—Satan—to ask permission to leave Hell in order to temporarily dwell in the space/time dimension of mortal man.

“Okay,” whispered Lucifer menacingly, while playing Solitaire. So the seven demons left Hades through a spiral portal to reach the human dimension. Soon, they arrived in a remote forest in the central Amazon Basin between the Negro and Japura Rivers, the two main tributaries of the Amazon. The Amana Reserve contains spectacular and untouched biodiversity with the highest concentration of the endangered Amazonian manatees in the whole Amazon Basin. The complex also supports river dolphins, black caimans, anacondas, jaguars, black uakari monkeys, harpy eagles, and a host of plant and freshwater wildlife.

Impatient and hungry, the demons were determined to possess a soul immediately. Not having acclimated their devil pupils to the intense solar light emanating from the rainforest, the demons inadvertently entered a Kapok Tree. So, the Kapok Tree became possessed.

Not long after, the animals indigenous to the rain forest noticed slight changes in the personality of the Kapok Tree. Irrespective of external weather conditions, the tree swayed left, right, backwards, or clockwise. Later, it began to secrete sap from its numerous pores. It began to shed limbs, which fell to the ground with thunderous explosions. Finally, it shed its leaves even though this was unseasonable.

After three weeks, having exhausted their repertoire of tricks, the demons became bored once again and made the journey back to Hell. And there they remain to this day. OR DO THEY? Bwaaaaahaaahaaaaa!!!!

~Goldmind

Top 25 Worst Things to Get in Your Halloween Trick-or-Treat Bag

25. Cabbage
24. Crystal Meth
23. Dead shrew
22. Edible panties
21. Loose Kool-Aid powder
20. Live Flyfishing bait
19. Newtmuskateers
18. Photographs of Naked Octogenarians
17. Assorted pain relievers
16. Confederacy currency
15. Crack Rock Candy
14. Partially decomposed dog
13. Sharpies box filled with used syringes
12. Nicorette gum
11. Chocolate covered razorblades
10. 50 credit card applications bound together with a rubber band
9. Chain letter
8. KC & the Sunshine Band 8 track tape
7. Cheese whiz in a bag
6. Lint balls
5. Baggie of Purina Cat Chow
4. Medicated suppositories
3. Unpopped kernals from microwave pop corn
2. Caramel kidney stones
1. Condomints—Condoms that come in 3 minty flavors

~Goldmind, numbsain, cheese

Worst Halloween Costume Contest

Dog Dominion Threatened

For centuries the conflict has raged. Even in peaceful interludes, there remains a subtle undercurrent of social unrest and political upheaval. Thanks to the recently established Miao Lin Temple and Martial Arts Training Facility, the balance of power in the age-old conflict between cats and dogs may at last have shifted.

In an exclusive interview, Defense Secretary Cuddles stated: “Yes, it may be true that we finally have the edge. The canines have always been bigger. They have always been able to generate more explosive bowel movements. But their days are numbered. Why? Winged dragon drool kick chop chop. It's a clandestine technique so powerful; so utterly lethal; that focus group lab rats have chewed off their own faces rather than endure it. This technique is so fast and so deadly, we are able to actually kick the snot out of dogs and that is proving to be the decisive in the war between our species."

To preempt potential political retribution, Coco Smoke, spokescat for the Feline Party, released a statement announcing that cats have recently made great strides in their receipt of human attention, love, and approval. "Favorite pet" numbers, though still favoring canines, presently tally as follows:

Owner prefers following type pet:

Dog............... 48% (down 7% from prior fiscal tax year)
Cat.................43% (up 28%)
Hamster.........5.6%
Bird................4.4%
Pygmy Marmoset......... -1%
Other...........naught

~numbsain, Goldmind

No Evil Monkeys, by numbsain (click to enlarge)

Ask Dr. Scientist - the smartest American in the whole damn world

Dr. Scientist,
Where do babies come from?
Timmy

Dear Timmy,
Babies or Smallus Infantus come from one of the many qualified dealerships or baby outlets throughout the world and beyond. Here are a few of my favorites;
Carl & Ruth's Baby Land
Babyrama Infanteria
Babies 'N Things
Bob's Baby Emporium
Babies, Babies, Babies
Age 0 to 3
ChildExpress
Toddler Town
Jan's No-Sex Babymart
What are you using these babies for? I have a couple of second hand babies I'm trying to dump off to a good home. Very little mileage on the one, the other is clearly used but It's a strong boy and he's got a few years left in him. Let me know if you're interested and I'll set them aside.

Dr. Science,
I am going on a long vacation and I can't bring my cats with me. What is the best way to store cats safely for three-months?
Philbert

Dear Philbert,
The best way to store your cats safely for extended periods is to pack them in mothballs. The proper ratio is 1 mothball for every 500 cats.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
When mommy says “don’t let the bed bugs bite” every night; how am I supposed to stop them? And how can I keep my welts from itching?
Pooh

Dear Pooh,
The chemical compound hydrochloric acid is the aqueous solution of hydrogen chloride gas. It is a potent acid, the major component of gastric acid and of wide industrial use. It should eliminate the bugs as well as the itching. In fact, nothing will be left, including your arm. This could produce lethal fumes; open a window before your arm falls off.

Dear Mr. Science,
My Mommy is trying to poison me. She gave me some stuff to drink and when I tested it with my chemistry kit, It was dihydrogen monoxide! how long do I have to live?
Ricky

Dear Ricky,
My name is DOCTOR SCIENCE, not MISTER SCIENCE. And secondly, dihydrogen monoxide is ordinary water. Your mother is not trying to poison you, she's trying to drown you.

Dear Dr. Science,
I'm 11 and I've been an alcoholic for 3 years. Whenever my mother puts apple juice in my thermos I let it sit for a week before drinking it and it gives me a buzz. but lately it hasn't been strong enough. Is there any way for children to make hard liquor from apple juice?
Fred

Dear Fred,
There is! Steal a gallon of apple juice from your mother and let it sit for several weeks. Then place it in a freezer until its mostly solid. The water will freeze but the alcohol won't. Pour off the remaining liquid and voila! You have 120 proof apple jack! If that stuff doesn't put hair on your chest, try puberty.
Cheers!

Dear Dr. Science,
My momma told me that if I don’t pick up my toys, a monster will come out from under my bed and eat me. Is that true?
Jo Jo

Dear Jo Jo,
Yes.

Dear Dr. Science,
Do you feel that in a parallel time continuum, where the interdimensional phasing hysteresis was in a precircumvented intraparametric logarithmic inversion slope, a sustained thermonuclear reaction such as the sun would create a photon distortion field of significant intensity to cause cross-dimensional interference that would be detectable by instruments known to our current technology?
Billy

Dear Billy,
Does your mother know you're using the computer to ask silly questions like this? Any dolt knows intraparametric logarithmic inversion slopes are a type of algae. Nice try.

Dear Dr. Science,
My Uncle told me the moon was made of cheese and that a rat eats the full moon until it disappears. How does it come back?
Grayson

Dear Grayson,
The rat does not eat the cheese; he hides it.

Dear Dr. Science,
I have an infestation of ants in my kitchen and I recently purchased some Miracle Ant Chalk. Can you tell me how this product is to be used?
Molly

Dear Molly,
I would suggest using chalk to write discouraging statements such as: "Ants go away," "No ants allowed," "This area off limits to ants," around the areas where the ants seem to be concentrating. This should give those pesky ants the message.

Dear Dr. Science,
How many stars are there in the whole entire sky?
Shurish

Dear Shurish,
Six hundred.

Dear Dr. Science,
What would happen if I poured gasoline on a pile of old newspapers, lit a match, and then threw it on top of the pile?
Sherry

Dear Sherry,
No one knows for sure; there are many theories.

Herr Dr. Scientist,
Ist das für eine person möglich, von sich selbst herauszubekommen und in ihrer analyse völlig objektiv zu sein? Ich würde denken, dass es unmöglich ist, das zu tun. Was denken Sie?
Aufrichtig,
Hans

Lieber Hans,
Ich denke, dass es nicht möglich ist, weil das Paradigma, das Sie verwenden würden, um “objektiv” zu bewerten, durch Ihre vorherige Erfahrung verdorben wird. Es gibt keine Weise, sich von Ihren eigenen Erfahrungen ander zu entfernen, als, jene Erfahrungen nicht gehabt zu haben. Denken Sie daran.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
If the world is shaped like a ball, how come we’re not upside down?
B. Specky

Dear Mr. Specky,
Because we’re on top of the ball; the Chinese are upside down.

Dr. Scientist,
I have to do a science experiment for school. Do you have any suggestions?
Joel

Joel,
Certainly. Take a can of cola. Shake; then pull back the tab. What happens? You win the national science fair.

~Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness, numbsain

The Great "Make me!" - "I don't make trash I burn it" Debate

Transcript from regional finals in the annual "Make-me-I-don't-make-trash-I-burn-it-debate"

Kid #1: Why don't you make me?
Kid #2: I don't make trash, I burn it.
Kid #1: No wonder you’re so black and crispy!
Kid #2: Mine’s paint, yours ain’t!
Kid #1: Shut UP!
Kid #2: I don't shut up, I grow up. And when I look at you, I throw up!
Kid #1: No wonder you stink!
Kid #2: At least I ain’t dumb. You so dumb, you got lost in a grocery store and starved to death!
Kid #1: You so stupid, you sat on a TV and watched a couch!
Kid #2: You so ugly, when you was born, the doctor spanked your momma!
Kid #1: Yo mamma’ so fat she wore a Malcolm X t-shirt and a helicopter landed on her back!
Kid #2: My mamma is yo Mama
Kid #1: But you don't know who your daddy is!
Kid #2: Which is why my doctor recently prescribed Ritalin.
Kid #1: I’m so sorry to hear about that, has it helped?
Kid #2: Yes it has, it has made me realize…that I love you.
Kid #1. I love you, too.
Kid #2. Let’s go to Iceland and raise Emus.
Kid #1. Make me.

~Cheese, Goldmind

The Secret, Dangerous World of Bridge

You've seen it—that small, unobtrusive section next to the crosswords dedicated to "Bridge strategies and puzzles." Friends, it is time we opened ourselves to a bitter truth: there is no card game man could invent that could possibly be so complicated—I once witnessed a world class chess player chew off his own fingers while vainly attempting to comprehend the game—and yet popular enough to warrant it's own section of a newspaper.

So what is this "Bridge" section, really? What does all the convoluted code, the mumbo jumbo, truly reference? Ladies and gentlemen, it has taken me the better part of thirteen years but, at last, I have cracked a portion of the code, partly through the assistance of a Fruity Pebbles decipher ring. You see, by substituting certain key letters, by twisting certain key numbers into different shapes, and by slowly turning around counter-clockwise while clapping my hands and howling at the new corn moon, I have discovered, and can now unequivocally state, that "South bids 80 points on 9H 9S 5D and scores the under trick" ACTUALLY means "invade Tehran on 12-7 and, on the way back, please pick up a thin crust pepperoni pizza, hold the anchovies."

America wants this hidden. Clearly, this knowledge, left in the wrong hands, could result in a widespread outbreak of virulent Botchulism. Unacceptable for American Patriots! We have cause for concern, ladies and gentleman. Let's face facts. I am a complete idiot, yet I solved part of the code. If I can do that, just THINK what other governments globally have now learned about our military strategy and culinary habits!

I'm working on the linkages now, but I believe it may just be possible that "bridge strategies" is directly related to e-coli outbreaks, hoof in mouth disease, mad cow disease, and—shockingly—even slightly-deranged-cow-but-starting-to-feel-a-little-bit-better,-thank-you-for-asking-disease. Folks, even the killer bee invasion in the southwest may be related (though admittedly, the nexus here is somewhat more tenuous).

Citizens, I implore you, Unite! Ban Bridge talk from your union halls. Ban Bridge columns from your local newspapers and your revolutionary leaflets. Stifle the dangerous flow of fodder knowledge from sailing into the hands of our enemies (who must surely be the enemies of our one true God who loves America most of all). And for God's sake, check your pepperoni and mushrooms carefully for signs of terrorism! I thank you.

Signed,

West bids 300

~Cheese, Goldmind

Helpful relationship advice from a dead, cynical existentialist philosopher: ASK SCHOPENHAUER'S GHOST

by Goldmind

Dear Schopenhauer's Ghost,
I'm having a problem with my social life. Every time I find a boy I like, I get bored. Then I have to be mean to make him go away. The problem is, when he does go away, I get sad and lonely. The cycle repeats itself over and over again. What should I do?
Noel

Dear Noel,
Your problem is not unusual. Life is a pendulum that swings between frustration and boredom. You must realize that life is very bad and was accidentally created by an omniscient demon intent upon tormenting us. Try listening to Wagner. It will help you forget you are alive.
Sincerely,
Schopenhauer's Ghost

Dear Schopenhauer’s Ghost,
My boyfriend was so nice when we first met. He’d call me every day and would bring me fresh-cut flowers; sometimes he’d even write me little love poems. We’ve been going out now for almost two years, but he doesn’t do any of those romantic things anymore. He just sits around and watches sports and reads the paper. What can I do?
Kara

Dear Kara,
Your problem is futile and I cannot repair it for you. You should respect him for suppressing his animal drives to reproduce which can only cause you constant suffering and pain. Your own personal desire for happiness is inimical to its very satisfaction and, in the end, you must surely suffer a most horrible fate. Go to a museum; it may distract you from your impending annihilation.
My best,
Schopenhauer’s Ghost

Dear Schopenhauer’s Ghost,
I’m American and am very worried that our politicians are leading us all towards a path of certain destruction by not doing anything to prevent our excess burning of fossil fuels. I’m terrified of global warming. What can I do?
Greta

Dear Greta,
Your petty political concerns are of no consequence to me whatsoever. I would say the same were I alive. Enjoy your ignorant drive toward earthly utopianism which surely will furnish a mere war-cry in your superficial struggle of dumbness.
Sincerely,
Schopenhauer’s Ghost

Dear Schopenhauer's Ghost,
You're an existential do-do head. I don't care if there is any truth to any thing you ever wrote or said. It makes me sad and therefore can't be true. I prefer Ayn Rand any time of day! So there, you scumbag!
Rachel

Dear Rachel,
I do not listen to critics. Anyone who differs from my point of view is dumb. Even now, while I serve Satan in hell's dark catacombs, I am unfazed by the disparaging commentary spewed forth from the depraved creatures who torment me throughout eternity. So enjoy the air you breath while you live. Sound fades into the darkness from whence it emerged and so shall you.
Your friend,
Schopenhauer's Ghost

Today's Newsroom

Officers have apprehended a possible suspect in a case where eyewitnesses say there were no reports of any incidents occurring at the scene of the alleged crime. The Department has the area under investigation, though forensics reports show evidence in connection to this case to be inconclusive and unsubstantiated. The suspect is being watched by investigators who are being placed under close surveillance by an intelligence task force. That concludes our top story.

Now back to our studio for the weather.

This week saw record breaking mids with winds gusting up to expected levels in the low pressure areas just off the inland coast. Highs in the upper mids with lows in the upper highs. Barometer should hold steady ranging in the high Sierras. Skies are expected partly mostly through the week with a chance of maybe clearing through Friday. If we're lucky we might see what looks like a possibility throughout the later part of tomorrow.

In Sports today the local favorites played their final game in a series that turned into a cliff hanger but rallied to comeback for a finale in the final moments. Moments that culminated in a long awaited tie breaker after a losing streak that marked their first win of the season. Our correspondent was at the stadium to bring you a live interview with the man who put it all together and here’s that report now: “So coach, what happened?” “Well we came here to do a job and that's what we did. We’re pretty confident whatever the outcome, it’s gonna come down to who does what when the time comes to show who we’re made of. That’s what we intend to do. So we’re just hoping that that’s what it ends up to be: the conclusion of whatever happens here today.”

“Thanks for filling us in on that, now back to you.”

Alright, thanks for that informative inside look. On a humorous note, there was some confusion in a certain area this morning when a group of organizers formed a committee to convene at a designated location to determine the intentions of an organization of committee members who formed a group to organize its members at the location where the committee convenes. Neither committee wanting to disclose their intentions to the other, both decided to reconvene at a later time as of yet undetermined.

Well, that's all the time today we have for tonight but be sure and join us tomorrow for next time when we’ll have that story for you. From everyone here at the team staff, I’m anchormanhost reporting live from our studio saying thanks for watching and have a pleasant all the time, every time. Brought to you by the makers of our sponsor.

~Numbsain

News of the Very Strange

In September 2007, the owner of a restaurant on the corner of Main and Highland in Denver reported to police that a homeless man slumped in his chair in the non-smoking section of the eatery had not moved in three days and was beginning to smell. Police who arrived on the scene made a grisly discovery. It wasn’t a homeless man after all. Several stray dogs had disguised themselves as a human in an effort to obtain a meal at the restaurant. Unable to pay when presented with the bill, the canines panicked and, according to a local coroner’s report, were crushed when they attempted to flee the disguise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On his way to deliver a kitten to a homeless shelter, Tiny Tim Williams, a six year Cub Scout from Athens, Georgia, was brutally run down by a Harley Davidson traveling at a speed in excess of 100 mph. Pete “Pills” Powers, the driver of the motorcycle, was arrested at his Llama ranch in Farmington, where he was hiding behind a trough, and taken into police custody.

Mr. Powers, a member of the Farmington Communist Party, had previously been arrested for driving a high-performance motorcycle on the roof of the Georgia state capital and attempting to extract gold flakes from the dome with his Swiss army knife. A search of Pills’ bike revealed empty containers of Jack Daniels and Robitussin, and a weathered Jack Kerouac novel. Mr. Kerouac was unavailable for comment.

Rob Childers, the Attorney for Mr. Powers, was quoted as saying “that child should be punished for his wanton decision to cross that quiet street to get to the shelter. How else can we deter children from jaywalking? Besides, his conscious decision to take those steps supersedes my client’s negligence. That boy, precious as he was, was 2% contributorily negligent and therefore not entitled to a red cent!”

~Goldmind

Blog Mailbag: Could a circus clown rob a bank with a handheld rubber horn and a flower that shot water at your face?

Our Dedicated Staff Answers:

We wish that worked. One of us tried it once himself. Walked straight into a bank, fresh from a hard day at the circus... nervously pulled out a rubber horn. His story:

"I was fearin' they may not notice it wasn't a colt 45 so, faster'n you can say fruitcake, I squirt that teller right 'tween the eyes. Then I tells her a joke: "What did one eye say to the other eye, I say, what did one eye say to the other? Answer? Between us, something smells! Ahhh Yuck Yuck Yuck !" Then I toot my horn for good measure. Well, that ole' gal didn't laugh and, next thing ya know, I'm wrestled to the floor by an ole' copper, and thrown into the back of a paddy wagon and hauled off to jail.So warn your clown friend. Tell them not to do it. Tell them, a smile is just a frown turned around on the face of a clown in the slammer. I should know, I'm writin' this from the big house."

~Goldmind

Beatles Parody time

by Goldmind

HEY DUDE

Hey, Dude, don't feel so sad

You drank Mad Dog;

but don’t feel better.

Remember, you let her into your heart

Now you’re apart. So much the better.

Hey, Dude, don't be afraid,

You were not made to go out and get her.

The minute you start to go out with your kin,

The DA begins, to write you a letter.

And when it’s time that they arraign,

hey Dude, refrain

Don't carry that girl off on your shoulders

Hey don't you know that it’s not cool, to stare and drool

I know, I saw, your rap sheet folder

Hey, Dude! You put that down

That gun is loaded, I’m just the messenger

Remember, you let her into your heart

You’re not so smart, don’t be a better.

So let it out and let it in, hey Dude, begin

You're not to find cousins to perform with

And don't you know that it's just you,

hey, Dude,You knew,

the law would come down on you like a boulder.

Hey, Dude, this ain’t Baghdad

This isn’t ping pong, time to do better

Remember, you let her into your heart

The rest of your life, you could be a debtor, debtor, debtor, debtor wooooooohh.

Naaah, nnaaah naaah nah nah naaaaa. Hey Dude!!

Are you so sure about your grits theory?

EVERYONE has a theory about grits. Do they taste good, are they made of metal? Are they only appreciated by the southern genteel folk as they ride horses throughout the humid countryside drinking sweet-tea?

Well, I have a theory about grits, and it's a long, complicated, absurd, theory. It's a theory so complicated it can only be understood in German. But I'm going to make a lame attempt to relay my theory. Tomorrow.

~Goldmind

Grumpy Sock's Corner: Time for a New Holiday

Okay. I'm just a dirty, smelly sock puppet but, let's face it, it's high time for a new holiday. Even if a dirty, smelly, puss dripping-did I already say smelly? if not, smelly-sock puppet has to be the one who tells the world. I was right about gum, wasn't I? So trust me here! It's time for these new holidays, right now. Seriously. Pick up your cell phone and spread the gospel.

Direct Day. Six months after April Fools, a whole day where you're forced to tell friends/spouse how you really feel. Hallmark idea: Front of card: "Would it kill ya to life a finger around here?" Inside: "No, not THAT finger."

Tornado Day. For creative types. Everyone sits under a sturdy table or transom and takes turns exchanging facts and trivia about Oklahoma. "Okmulgee Oklahoma owns the world record for biggest ice cream and cookie party." First person to three wins.

Umbilical Day. Celebrated nine months prior to your birthday. Have to tie a rope from your belt to your mom's waist, hide under under a bed sheet, then walk around the mall tied together while publicly reciting the ways the two of you are just alike. At the end of the day you exchange presents neither likes.

Karl Marx Day. Each May 5 (his birthday), dress in 19th century garb, wear false furry mustache/beard, feign German accent, and pontificate on arcane theories like commodity fetishism or Hegelian dialecticism. No presents are exchanged. In fact, no one owns anything. Sure to lose friends with this one; might even get me a thumbs down!

~Goldmind