I'M AN ANIMAL!...not a human being!



I get to LAX (never liked that name) and the cab pulls up to the terminal (never liked that word). I get out, walk in the door and I hear “Hold it right there!” (Never liked that phrase). Two airport security guards come running over with their guns drawn (never liked those things).

“What? What did I do? Do I look like a terrorist? Am I carrying a bomb? Do I have a concealed weapon? Do I have 40 sticks of dynamite wrapped around my torso and a detonator in my hand?” I ask politely. Okay maybe I was a little defensive. I hear one of them say to the other,

“False alarm on the burning fuse, my bad.” Then he says to me,

“There’s no smoking in the airport, sir.”

“Well that’s good, that means the place probably isn’t on fire.” I quip.

“Your cigarette, put it out.” So I comply, and they say,

“Step this way sir.” They cuff my hands behind my back and we go into a little room and the one says to me,

“Alright, strip!”

“C'mon, I just met you guys.”

“Now listen you homo pervert, none of your funny business or we'll do a full body cavity search.”

“And you're calling me a pervert?”

After about ten minutes of this, they let me go and now I’m late, I’m running full throttle down this long corridor and this gray-haired old biddy says to me,

“Late for your flight?”

“No, I’m practicing for the Olympics.”

“Special Olympics? You people are so brave. I try to stay in shape too.”

I look at her all hunched over sagging down to her knees and I say,

“Keep trying, it’s all you can do.”

“Young man, I’ll have you know, I’m 94 years old.”

Wait a minute, I’m running as fast as I can and a 94 year old woman is right alongside me! Maybe I do need to start working out. Then I see the handrail and I realize it’s a moving walkway. No wonder that old battle-ax was keeping up with me. Then I look down and realize I’m on the moving walkway. We come to the end of the corridor and I step off. I feel like a woolly mammoth walking through the LaBrea tar pits, I’m struggling with every step and barely moving.

Then I see they have these new motorized wheelchairs in the airport so I get on one and I’m cruising along trying to hold on to my carry on bag and take my coat off because by now, I’m sweating like a... like a...what’s that animal the sweats a lot? Anyway, I can’t get my jacket off and I’m all twisted with my arm stuck in the sleeve and one hand poking through the neck. I’m making sweating noises and grunting profusely. My zipper is stuck and I only have one semi-free hand so I’m pulling on my jacket with my teeth and drooling all over myself. My glasses are falling off, my hand slips off the zipper and I punch myself in the nose. So now, I’m bleeding from the nose too.

The whole time I’m smelling pee and I realize, whoever had the wheelchair last, left a puddle in the seat. So I let out a cry of disgust,

“AAAAAAARGHH!!!”

I look up and the whole airport is staring at me like I’m some kind of spastic crippled quadrapalegic leper. People are covering their children’s eyes with horrified expressions. One brave man comes over and announces to everyone,

“What’s wrong with you people? Can’t you see this poor creature needs help?”

(Creature?) He stuffs a twenty dollar bill in the cup holder of my wheelchair and uses a napkin to help me with my jacket. But I suddenly realize, if he sees my arm is normal, he’ll take back the twenty and I’ll look like an idiot with a bloody nose who peed on himself. So I said, “F-f-fank yoo fuh hepping me mithtuh, ah okeh n-now.” I’m sitting there covered in blood, sweat and pee, acting like a retard. I can’t let everyone know I’m perfectly normal, they'll think I'm a retard. Plus, my cup holder was filling up with bills.

I got to sit in first class and they brought me anything I grunted for. I got out of the plane before everyone else and was escorted to a handi-quipped shuttle with $400 in my cup holder! Since that day, two weeks ago, I’ve been averaging four to six hundred a day just to grunt and pee on myself.

•••• •••• ••••••••• •••• •••• ••••••••••••• •••• •••••••••

by numbsain

Ask Numbsain...
Advice for the Connoisseur


Dear numbsain, I read your advice column everyday and I think you're the wisest most intelligent advice columnist on the planet. I think you have a great sense of humor and you're kind and a real humanitarian. That's all I wanted to say. Thanks again.

Oh there is one other thing. My little Bobby, he's only 5 and he needs $5000 to get an operation to save his legs. He loves baseball and his only wish in life is to grow up and play in the major leagues. But you see, without his legs, there's just no way they're gonna let him fulfill his dream. Do you think there's any way you could help us out, it's not for me, it's for Bobby. Won't you please help us numbsain?

Bobby's dad

Dear dad,
There's very little chance your son will make it to the major leagues, even with legs. Nice try. If you had just said the truth which is that you need the money to pay off your crack dealer, you would have had a better chance you phony con artist. Get out of my sight before I puke all over you. By the way, do you really read my column every day? I DON"T WRITE IT EVERY DAY YOU SIMPLETON!

*****************************************************
Dear Numbsain,
Some girls in my sorority and I get together every weekend and play poker. Last night I was winning when all of a sudden, Jenny stood up and pulled a gun on us. I tried to tell her it was only a game and she shouldn’t take it so seriously. Then she shot my lava lamp. What should I do?

Sore Winner

Dear Sore,
I suggest playing stripped poker. It’s just like ordinary poker except you start out with no clothes on. That way it will be harder to conceal a weapon. Send me photos too. As far as the lava lamp is concerned, buy a new one only replace the lava with nitro methane (can be purchased at any drag racing outlet). That way if Jenny pops a cap in it, the whole place blows up and she’ll think twice about being such a sore loser.

*****************************************************

Dear Numbsain,
I’m a business man with a wife, two beautiful children and a cat. I make $150 grand a year. My marriage is great, the kids are doing well in school and we have an active social life. But recently, I’ve been sneaking downstairs at night, going into the kitchen, getting down on all fours and eating cat food right out of the cat’s dish. After I finish all of the wet food and nibble a few crunchies, I lap up some water from the cat’s bowl and go back to bed feeling satisfied and content. Is this normal?

Fluffy; CEO,

Dear Fluffy,
This behavior is completely normal for a healthy happy well adjusted adult male cat. You, on the other hand, are a sicko. Of course you feel satisfied and content, cat food is of a much higher quality than human food and it’s meant for cats, not you. Do you even think of your family as your gobbling down Purina in the wee hours? How would they feel if they knew you were hogging all the good stuff? I recommend you be made to wear a neck cone until you break the habit. Try weaning yourself off the 9-Lives with a can of Spam before bedtime and get neutered just in case it’s hereditary.



*****************************************************

Dear Numbsain,
I am a professional truck driver. I’m in pretty good health and about average intelligence. But I eat cat food. Am I okay?

Highway Friskies

Dear High,
What is with you people?! Stop eating cat food! It’s formulated for felines, not humans! Do you cough up fur balls? Do you want a silky-smooth shiny coat? Do you lick your own asshole? NO! You don’t, so you don’t need premium quality cat foods. It’s too rich for you and you’re running a serious risk of gout, you moron!

******************************************************

Dear Numbsain,
I’m a 22 year old woman and I eat cat food, just kidding! I eat normal human food and my little Persian kitty gets all the Tender Vittles. There is one little problem, I can’t poop anywhere but in the cat box. I clean the box often though, and I use Johnny Cat® odor absorbing cat litter. That’s okay isn’t it?

Litter Bug

Dear Bug,
I hate you people. Why don’t you send this crap to Abigail Van Buren and leave me alone.

*****************************************************

Dear Numbsain,
I’m the captain of a top rated bowling team. We’ve won several championships and every player on the team is world class. Recently however, one of my team members started playing a lot better. Like incredibly so much better that he’s, like, way too good to be playing with the rest of us. We all feel inadequate around him and some of us are thinking of quitting bowling altogether. What should we do?

Gutter Balls

Dear Guts,
Now let me get this straight, you’re all world class bowlers but one of you is so much better that you want to give up the sport? How much better can you be at bowling if you’re already world class? If you’re that damn good, you should all be making mostly strikes and missing very few, if any, spares. I mean, does he just make a strike every time? That’s not so-o-o way better. There just isn’t that much room for improvement in a game like bowling when you’re at that level. You guys sound like a bunch of whining, bitching, sniveling, little punk-ass crybabies. Get over yourself you pansy ass, snot-nosed, milquetoast, pencil-dicked, fat-assed, barf-brained, lily-livered, sore-losing, no-balls-having, bed-wetting, nipple-piercing, chicken-plucking, buck-toothed, Barney-watching, cat-food-eating, Price-Is-Right contestant! Why don’t you make him bowl his entire set with a little porcelain statuette of the Virgin Mary shoved up his ass! That should equalize things.

by numbsain
Disclaimer: Advice given was not written with the aid of a Ouiji board.

LIVE NUDE GIRLS! [not dead ones]



My Girlfriend got a job at a strip club. She looked hot up there on stage wiping down the pole and mopping the floor before the show. She’s the janitor and also the cashier, but the manager told her she should dance. Then he started shooting at her feet cause the register came up short, but she swears, she’s innocent. Of course, she stole the money, but compared to those shameless, little skanky-ass, crack-ho pussy-peddling, hoochies up on the stage, she's really innocent.

What I like about her working there is, I get to go in and see the show. I have to pay twenty bucks just like everybody else, but at least they let me in now. So I go in there with my wad of cash. It’s a ‘Compton wad’ but you can’t tell it’s all ones when I whip it out. So I’m acting like Sir Pimp-a-lot (that's what they used to call me in school, but spelled differently) with my rent money all in ones, waving it around. This chick on stage crawls over to me and starts shakin' her butt in my face so to show my appreciation, I toss a few dimes and nickels on the stage. So she lets one rip. Then she swings around on the pole and knocks out my tooth. I’m like WOW, baby, more!

Then this girl asks me if I’d like a lap dance. I said, “I’ve got two left feet.” She says “You don’t use your feet for this kind of dance.” So we go into a private booth and I grab her. She slaps the shit out of me and says, “You don’t use your hands either.” I said “Let’s see, no feet, no hands...what do I use?” I say. “Up your time, hopefully.” She says “So what do I get when my time is up?” I query, inquisitively, in the form of a question to which she replied. “Lost.”

So she’s grinding on my lap and I’m begging her to screw me. Finally she say’s, “Okay give me $400 bucks up front and I’ll screw you.” So I hand her my whole wad. She says, “Thanks, you just got screwed.” and walks out.

That really bothered me. Boy was I hot. But I was also really hot and bothered. So I went and got my girlfriend and told her to quit her job. She agreed and we left. When we got home, I asked her to screw me. She said, “Okay but could you get me a glass of water first?” I said, “Oh no, I’m not falling for that one again.” But then she asked me real nice, so I went and got it for her. I handed her the glass and she threw it in my face and said, “Now if Foxy had done that, we’d still be able to pay the rent, you jerk.












I got even with Foxy and all
the other strippers by calling
the police department about
a bomb in the dressing room.
They all had to evacuate the
place and walk home without
their clothes. Hah, made 'em
all walk down the street half
nekkid like the ho's they is!


By numbsain...He's not really as bad as he portrays himself.

A Guide to Names Part 3
If you haven't read the earlier posts “A Guide to Names parts 1 and 2” Just click on these links:
A Guide to Names part 1
A Guide to Names part 2
And find out what it's all about. Or just read on.


These Native Americans have reservations

Native American Names
We’ve all heard of the legendary ‘Chief Sitting Bull’ or seen the movies ‘Dances With Wolves’ or ‘The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing’ (no, that wasn’t about some freak who enjoyed humiliating felines for entertainment). Native Americans often name their children after the first thing they see when the child is born. This is a great method which yields very interesting and creative names, although ‘Two Dogs Screwing’ of the Snatchengrabbit Tribe may disagree. Here are some choices

Gilding Lily
Sleeps with Fishes
Sitting Pretty
Charges with Visa
Running Tab
Flashing Beaver
Lap Dancing
Drowning Worm
Sniffing Crotch
Limping Cripple
Sucks Lemons
Flipping Burgers
Resenting Parents
Plucks Chickens
Smoking Crack
Tortures Insects
Owns Casinos
Cavorts with Ewes

Medical Terminology Names
Often people don’t plan ahead for their childs arrival and find themselves in the delivery room being asked what to put on the birth certificate. These children usually end up with names like Anesthesia or Ivy and everyone knows their mother didn’t have any imagination. But there are some very lovely and viable names to be found in the Hospital setting. Such as:

Gauze
Autoclava
Catheterine
Syringe
Steth (oscope)
Saline
Antiseptica
Ykaygee
Scalpella
Dialice
Myocardia
Pneumonia
Syphyllis
DeFibrula
Angioplastina
Epidura
Carsonoma
Arteria
Prosthesia
Adrenalina
Appendixi
Ceasaria

Name Brand Products Names:
Common name brands and products are perfect names to give your children because, like common names such as John or Jenny, everybody knows them and can remember them easily. Yet they are unique names that make a person special. Of course you would spell them a little differently to avoid copyright infringement. Here are some examples:

Charmin
Winston
Perryay
Yoplay
Pepsy
Coak
Leevize
Reebach
Rolayd
Hurschy
Poyoloko
Mickideez
Tawyoda
Takobel

We hope “A Guide to Names” will help you make the most important decision of you childs life a smart one. You can use the concepts outlined by these names as make up your own, or just use one of these as is. Either way you can't go wrong and you're doing your part in ridding the world of people with boring, mundane, run-of-the mill names like River, Kiefer and Keeanu.

by numbsain

Camp Lemmedewit!


Mr. Lenny: Howdy kidamarooskis and welcome to Camp Lemmedewit! The summer camp for kids of all ages! All together! Were gonna have a fun-diddely-umptious time! Little Scout-a-rooneys playing with Big Burly-Brawny Boys and Tiny-Tinker-Toy Girlys hangin’ with Big-Bouncy Teenage Babes!

Now the only things we don’t wanna hear at Camp Lemmedewit are; “I can’t” and “Help I’m getting eaten by a bear!” So don’t say ‘em, and you can Stay-um! These woods around Camp Lemmedewit are real safe so you can play out there as much as you want! We’re gonna have a super-duper-ruper time! Alright-a-roni-o?!

Kevvy: Hey where ya going, Trevor?

Trevor: I gotta use the little boys room.

Mr. Lenny: Well whyncha take a pee buddy with you? Any of you first graders need to go?

Kevvy: I gotta pee really badly!

Mr. Lenny: Well Kevvy, If ya do it badly, wipe off the seat.

Trevor: C’mon ya little noodlehead!

Kevvy: Hey are you sure you know where yer goin’

Trevor: The bathrooms here stink! I like to pee on these bushes

Kevvy: Hey Trevor did you hear that noise!

Trevor: Yeah! It sounded like a beaAAAAAAA-ARGGH-H!

Kevvy: (gulp) Oh, mr. bear please don’t eat m--[CHOMP)

[back at camp]

Mr. Lenny: Allright, well are you kids ready for some marshmallow toasting? Julie whyncha go get the ‘shmallows for us! And take Becky and Tina wichya!

Julie: C’mon girls! Let’s go to the canteen! C’mon, just a little farther...

Tina: Uh, J-J-Julie ...LOOKOUT!!!!

Julie: SCREEECHA-A-R-RGHurgle

Becky: G-Goodbye Tina, (sniff) It w-was nice knowing you. (sniff)

Tina: You too Be-E-E-C-C-Hhhy-y!!! [CHOMP]

Becky: eek! [CHOMP]
[meanwhile back at camp again]

Mr. Lenny: Well They sure are taking their time getting the marshmallows. I know lets tell some scary campfire stories. Matt, wyncha start us off...

Matt: GL-L-L-A-A-a-a-a-ark-k-k

Mr. Lenny: That was sure scary, Matt. But I think it needs a little longer set up to work. Matt? Now were did he go?

Derrick: Ya want me to go look for ‘em?

Mr. Lenny: That’s so nice of you to volunteer, Derrick. But aren’t you forgetting some one?

Derrick: I know; bring a search buddy with me.

Mr. Lenny: Whyncha bring two! Billy and Ray-Ray, go with Derrick

Derrick: C’mon you little twerps...

Mr. Lenny: Oh my, nobody left?

[in the distance...]

Derrick: AAAAAAGHHHh!!!!

Billy: GRAAALPH!!!!

Ray-Ray: NOOOO!!! UGH!!gurgle

Mr. Lenny: Well, I guess that’s that! (FWEEEEOOOOWEET) Here boy!

The Bear: GROWF!

Mr. Lenny: Is my good boy all full? That’s my good bear! Yer shuch a good bear, yesh you are, yesh you are. Whoshe my good wittle beary weary...

The Himalaya Triangle



[The 2008 Olympic Team Captain's Log Entry 1]

We're on our way to Seoul and the flight crew hasn't told us a thing about arrival times, survival rates, etc. They seem to be having a cockpit party. Oh, an announcement...

This is your captain speaking, we’re crossing the Himalayas. If you look out the left side of the cabin, you’ll see a stunning view of the second tallest peak... Uh, my mistake, the tallest peak in India... Uh, excuse me a minute...(hey, did you adjust our altitude for the tallest peak?...WHAT!?

[SKRE-E-E-EEEEE-K-KRASH!]

Okay, that's the last time I fly Air Seoul from Jordan. Wow, look at Vlad go! Quadruple, quintuple, sextuple, septuple, octuple...Wow, I've never seen an octuple salchow before!...Ooh! Messy dismount though. That brings us down to six survivors, but due to frostbite, we're dwindling...not in number, in mass...

[Log Entry 2—three hours later]

"Who ate my toe?" asks Hein, breaking the cold, dour silence with another one of his thoroughly ignorable accusations, disguised as a question. Not one of the other five survivors can stand Hein, so we’re supremely unconcerned about his alleged loss of toe. We certainly wouldn't consume one of his disgusting peddle digits even though we're all starving. No, starving is too strong, we're more 'famished.' It's only been three hours since we crashed and we had just had an in-flight meal. Pheasant under Glass with Garlic/Basil Risotto, and it was frozen pheasant, not even fresh. "In-flight" is really pushing it.

Still, it was food, so we're not nearly desperate enough to start cannibalizing each other. Except for Valko, the Bulgarian body builder. These guys cannibalize themselves if they don't eat every 12.3 seconds. I didn't think Valko would last an hour, but I was wrong. It wasn't until just a few minutes ago that he became dizzy, fell on his back, flailed his arms in the snow for a minute, then died. He made a lovely angel though.

Amber, the figure skater, is taking it really hard. She had high hopes of wearing Valko to her high school reunion. Thankfully, she's dying as we speak. Cause of death? Oh, I don't know, I'm logging it as Failure-to-Live-Syndrome. Of course, then there is the lovely Ludmilla. You've got to admire a girl who gets a 6 foot 3 inch 220 pound body to do anything Olympian. If a rescue party doesn't show up, I might have her shot put me back to civilization. She reminds me of a really pretty, blond, blue-eyed shaven yeti.

Hein has now lost his third finger in four hours and everybody's a suspect, even though we found one of them tangled in his hair. Hein is quite full of himself, so he assumes we are too. Personally, I'd eat anything that was ever attached to Claudette way before I'd gnaw on one of Hein's little piggies. Claudette is a gymnast, so she's fat-free, heart-smart, high fiber, and makes a tasty go-anywhere snack. She keeps complaining she's cold, which is a very astute observation on her part, because we just happen to be stranded in the snow. Nothing gets by her.

Her fingers are turning blue, so I offer to administer a survival technique I'd learned in Coyote Camp. Hein went to go make some yellow snow but when he got up to walked away, his right foot remained firmly planted in the ice. So it looks like I have to put him out of his misery, which isn't easy with only a flare gun. It won't penetrate his flesh so I found another way. It's really cool the way his navel is glowing and you can almost see his lower GI tract.

So it's down to the three of us Claudette, Ludmilla and myself. I'm sitting here amidst the wreckage with all of Claudettes fingers and toes in my mouth and we're both bundled up tightly in Ludmilla, feeling nice and cozy when, lo and behold, the Sun rears it's shiny head. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out how to explain to these ladies that, with only a slight repositioning and the judicious removal of one or two pieces of clothing, I could die pretty much the way I've always wanted to.

Wouldn't you know it, look at this; the damn rescue party is here to save us. Of all the rotten luck!

Self Help Techniques I've Tried

by numbsain



Transcend Dental Meditation

I have a horrendous tooth ache and I can't stop thinking about it. The pain is not the problem, That's what I had a fifth Jack Daniels, 4 Vicidin, 25 excedrin, a dime bag of heroin, and 7 tubes of anbesol every 4 hours for.

Let's see, at a street value of $117.59 six times a day for three days, if I had suffered and saved the money I could have had one and a half a root canals done and a cap put on. 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommend I shoot myself.

If I could just put it out of my mind and ignore the pain, it wouldn't be so bad, but I keep thinking it's a warning of something else, some bigger problem, like a brain tumor.

If I lost my teeth I could go on a liquid diet but if I lost my brain, I just couldn't imagine... I mean, it would be unthinkable... I'd have no idea... I just don't even want to think about it... Gotta just put that out of my mind... Hey, It works!

Aero Bic Exercise, Progressive Resistance Training, Spinning, Kick Boxing

I've been tossing my pen up in the air and catching it. Personally I don't see any results. Is that what they mean by sky writing?

I used to resist training. Over the years, my resistance to it has progressed and now I despise it. Then they said, "free weights" so I took them all to the edge of the forest, released them and said, "RUN! GO BE WITH YOUR OWN KIND! I'M NO GOOD FOR YOU! They just sat there for days. I think, once you remove them from nature, they become dependent on man.

Spinning makes me too dizzy. Someone told me,"kick boxers, stay in shape.” So I started wearing tighty whiteys. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference.

When I go to work and pass out at my desk, my boss complains. So I don't work out any more.

Counc’lors

I didn't know why this was important but when I did it, I realized that, during the course of a day, I counted 246 racial slurs that I, alone made! When I added in all the racial slurs everyone else had made during that day, it brought that number to a whopping 247! Now I know why they said, "count slurs." I tells you something about people and how screwed up they are in general.

Get a Psychic Reading

I said, "okay what have I got to lose?" I packed up all the old literature I didn't want anymore, and brought it all down to Madam Trixie's Psychic & Occult Shoppe. I told her I thought it would do us both a lot of good if she would read them.
She said she wasn't going to read Hustler but there was a copy of "Brave New World" in there that she'd take a look at. I wonder why she was only into the sick stuff.
In any case I guess I felt kind of good about myself after doing it. I just dropped the box with the rest of the stuff off at the nearest high school. I figured reading is good for kids too.

Pro Teen Diet, At Kin’s Diet

I'm sorry, I'm not eating kids! I don't care if they're professionals or not. On the other hand, I have no problem with only eating at my relatives houses. In fact, that's what I do already.

Yoga

Many have improved their lives with the help of Yoga, for over 900 years. So I figured there must be a reason. And this was the answer I got from him,
“If for yourself, the help you seek is, then from yourself the help, seek you, must be.”

Dr Seuss...NOT!

Frog/Hog Blog Dialog


Frogs, Hogs.

Frogs have blogs.

Hogs have blogs.

Frogs clog hog blogs.

Hogs bog frog blogs.

Hog blogs bog down from frog log ons.

Frog blogs clog up from hog log ons.

Hogs log on to frog-bogged hog blogs.
Hogs get mad and want to flog frogs.

Frogs log on to hog-clogged frog blogs.
Frogs get mad and want to flog hogs.

Frogs on hog blogs making frog sounds
clogs blogs so hogs can’t make hog sounds.

Hogs on frog blogs making hog sounds
bogs blogs so frogs can’t make frog sounds.

Frogs need frog sounds on their blogs.
Hogs need hog sounds on their blogs.

“Why can’t hogs stay off our blogs?”
“Why can’t frogs stay off our blogs?”

“Wait” says one frog, “cats have blogs
with places where a dog can log on.”

“Every blog a cat can log on
has a place to log a dog on.”

“Each blog by a dog will have
a place on which a cat may log.”

“Great! If that’s what cats and dogs do,
that’s what hogs and frogs should do too.”

“Every blog a hog creates,
will have a place for frog debates.”

“Same with frogs, like dogs and cats,
we’ll offer someplace for hog chats.”

“Frogs can log on hog chat rooms,
to learn about the hogs concern.”

“Hogs can meet new frogs from whom
they’ll hear the thoughts of frogs and learn.”

Now that hogs and frogs alike can blog and start a dialog,
hogs and frogs blogs won’t get clogged or bogged and neither will be flogged.


By numbsain...Wherever peculiar people conjugate.

and by Seussian Shocks...Books for crazy people, by crazy people, about crazy people, made from 100% crazy people. Available wherever crazy people are sold!

Rue le Pic French Cuisine...Specializing in frogs legs!
and Pierre Nice Diner...Specialing in the rest of the frog!

Chitterlings and Grits Eat-a-teria...Try our pig snout soup
and Gritterlings and Chits...try our pig asshole sausages and run up a tab.

Amazing Bird Dog Learns New Tricks

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
You can fly higher than a beagle,
'cause you've got wind beneath your ears.

...Thank you, thank you, thank dog for you,
the wind beneath your ears.

Barney Clentcher of North Flummox, Ohio has had a dream since he was a child. For the past twelve years, he's been shouting at Shepherds, screaming at Scotties, yelling at Yorkshires and antagonizing Afghans in an attempt to incite them to flight and render them airborne by any means.

“I used to just tell them repeatedly, "You can fly!" Then chuck them out my fifth story window thinking, if these dogs do have the inate ability to fly, wouldn't now be a good time? I mean how stupid do you have to be to not realize, it's fly or die?”

His methods are a trifle unorthodox, but, “No true innovation was ever borne of playing it by the book.” the twenty three year old Ohio native states with an intensity in his eyes that is reminiscent of... oh, who’s that guy that had the really intense eyes? Him.

“You’ve got to make the big sacrifices to get the big rewards, or so they say. But all I’m doing is throwing away a few stupid dogs, and look what I’ve accomplished” says Clentcher, pointing his finger at “Pilot,” a 3 year old beagle who obediently makes a complete circle around the room, then hovers momentarily before dropping into his masters lap.

“I hate dogs. You have to if you want to be successful in the flying dog business. I always felt that what these mutts lacked, was the belief in their own ability to fly. I mean, think about it; birds do it, bees do it, even semi-mental fleas do it.” Well, 12 years and 283 dogs later, we find out, Clentcher was right. That cruel little boy's dream has become a grown up man's reality. Albeit a grown up man who is wanted in 5 states by the SPCA. “But look what I made this dog do” adds Clentcher.

A spokesman for the anti-animal endangerment organization stated; “We're still not convinced he's not just another Michael Vick. If I see it with my own eyes, I'll believe he's a brilliant visionary who's just killed a lot of dogs on the road to realizing his vision. But frankly, from the photos, it looks to me like he's just throwing them.”

Well this reporter has seen it with his own eyes. Clentcher’s flying mutts are real. He assures me that the guide wire and safety harness Pilot was wearing at the time of the demonstration, were just a precaution.

The Banned/Not Banned book list.

(Continuing our crusade to protect your freedom and bring awareness to your lives, we here at Goldmind's unwind have collected the great banned/not banned book list. For every banned book that you cannot get your fingers on here for various reasons, we offer you a feasible counterpart that you can read with pleasure and depravity while thumbing your nose at the government)

1. Banned- Uncle Tom's Cabin- Harriet Beecher Stowe- Banned for promoting stereotypes about African Americans, this literary classic of the civil war era is no longer attainable.

Not Banned- Uncle Joe's bedroom- Colon Polker- still available as an "Adam and Eve" pocket reader, this literary "classic" will never be banned as doing so would set off a flurry of protests from gay activists everywhere.



2. Banned- Where's Waldo-2nd edition- Banned by overprotective parents everywhere, one of the illustrations depicts Waldo himself standing suggestively behind a man bending over to tie what appears to be his shoe. The graphic nature of this photo apparently threatened to scar our children permanently, so drastic action was required.

Not Banned- Where's Crackho?-Marion Berry- Also illustrated, this children's book, drawn in a drug induced haze by Mr. Berry himself, cannot be banned because it's existence is still in debate. It is known that 40 prints of the book were made and passed out to various street hustlers, but the trail disappears there. Apparently, like the hard to find "crackho", this book will be difficult to locate....:)

3. Banned- Catcher in the Rye- J.D. Salinger- Another literary classic banned from schools and many public shelves for it's dicey content. Wouldn't want that dangerous classic literature warping our minds!!!

Not Banned- Punch Her in the Eye- Ike Turner- This non fiction classic teaches the average blue collar Joe how to keep his marriage running like a well oiled machine. And his wife running like a kicked puppy. Visit Barnes and Noble today!

4. Banned- The Joy of Sex-Alex Comfort- This instructional book, expressing freedom and maturity in the act of lovemaking, was deemed vulgar and subsequently banned. The photography that was included may have been the deal breaker.

Not Banned- Sex with Joy- Karen Dyke- This instructional book, expressing freedom and passionate lesbian lovemaking was deemed vulgar and subsequently purchased by every man who could stop by the bookstore without his wife. The photography that was included may have been the deal maker.

5. Banned-Lord of the Flies-William Golding- For it's controversial use of the word "nigger", this book was banned first in Canada and then in some US schools, despite Golding winning the nobel prize in literature. Proving, of course, that societally speaking, it's amazing that we all know how to wipe ourselves when we shit.

Not Banned- Lord of the Fries- Steve Goob- This book, though similiar in title to the above, is instead about a day in the life of an average fry cook. It did not win the nobel prize. In fact, no one has read it. Which is probably why it's not banned. But SHOULD anyone read it, they will find several provacative references to "grease", "oil", and "transfats". Rooowrrr.

Check these out ladies and gentlemen! Let us know what you think!

Trendsetters of Bangaladesh

Faruq: Please, Sajid, Do not speak of this. I know full well what I have done. I am already regretting my foolishness.

Sajid: Of that I have no doubt. I just have one question, Faruq...

Faruq: No, Sajid. I know the question you wish to ask and the answer is resoundingly no, it is not reversible.

Sajid: Ugh! I am utterly disgusted with you, I warned you.

Faruq: Yes you did and I did not heed your warning. I have disgraced and dissapointed you. I throw myself at your mercy. I can only hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Sajid: I would not hold my breath. If that day comes, it will not be for a long time. As of now, I officialy disown you as my brother. The grief you have caused me is unthinkable. I can no longer show my face among my peers, I will be forever mocked and ridiculed, I will be shunned and disrespected by all who know me and what's worse, I can no longer expect to ever sire progeny. Just by association alone, I will lose the respect of every creature in Bangladesh What tigress in her right mind would desire us?

Faruq: I feel your pain, but it is a pain that I deserve, not you.. If there was some way that I could make this right, I woul—

Sharika: Excuse me , I know this is going to sound terribly forward of me , but I have to tell you. That must have taken such bravery, such a bold and daring statement of individuality, of confidence. My name is Sharika. May I bear a cub for you?

Rupa: Hi, I'm Rupa, May I be next?

Prema: He-e-l-l-o-o Handsome!

Sajid: I always knew you were a genius, Faruq. So tell me, who is your stylist?



by numbsain

Undomesticated Partners

Letting my girlfriend move in with me was a mixed blessing...and a 100% straight up mistake. Girls are pigs! At least the kind I date. But that's totally by my choice, I can get hot chicks if I want to.

I moved in with a supermodel once. She was beautiful, rich, refined...I didn't like it though. Between her calling the police on me, pressing charges and the restraining order, I just had to tell her, “Sorry babe, you're just too high maintenance for me. Gonna have to cut you loose.” and that was it. After my sentencing, I never saw her again.

Looking back at that relationship, I see now, that I made mistakes too. I guess I should have told her I was moving in with her...or at least met her first...and not broken in to her house, waited behind the door in the dark until she came home...I wanted to surprise her with the flowers...but the vase gave her a concussion. Ah, that was a different time, a different felony.

So, my current girlfriend is a dumpy stupid trailer-trashy pig and I let her move in. (No, not Britney Spears). But it's a big change from single life. For one thing, having sex with a partner is a lot better than regular sex. But no more getting ready for work in the dark, that's for sure.

Let's see, I don't have to worry about getting a yeast infection in my teeth—They really shouldn't put Vagisil in the same sized tube as Crest.

I shouldn't have worn her thong panties instead of my tighty whiteys to work today but I didn't have time to dig through the hamper. Besides my cheeks needed flossing anyway.

The deodorant I put on almost killed me. It was strong enough for a man, sure, but the pH was totally wrong! Oh my god, lesbians kept coming up behind me going; “Oh, I love the way you don't smell.” Of course, when I turned around they left. It was the pH balance of my pits that fooled them, that and the whale tail.

Women use a lot more products than men. My shower is suddenly overrun with shampoos, conditioners... and why does she need “body wash” and “facial cleanser?”...I have one bottle of Suave. I use it for everything, mouthwash, carpet cleaner, bathroom disinfectant, windshield washer fluid... My Suave is cowering in the corner with the label half ripped off, saying, "I tried to stop them!"

And then there's the cosmetics and make-up everywhere. On the upside, I had an important meeting and I hadn't slept so I looked like hell. It's amazing what a little foundation and a touch of eyeliner will do. And Maxi Pads sure come in handy when you're out of toilet paper.

The only other woman I've ever lived with was my mother. My girlfriend is very different from mom. I was shocked when I came home and the sink was still full of dirty dishes! And the guy in the bed was not my dad! That reminded me of mom. There was a logical explanation for him being there though. She said his name was Steve and she was fooling around with him on the side...

I said, “that's cool... C'MON IN TRIXIE! MY GIRLFRIEND SAY'S IT'S OKAY!” So that was a relief. I was worried about that. I kind of forget to mention to my girlfriend that it was an open relationship. So did she apparently. So we ended up having kind of an orgy. It was really great. But after that one time, we've decided to take the relationship more seriously now and be monogamous.

Things are working out really well. We've both been faithful and I think I may be in love. Now I come home to clean dishes, dinner is ready when I walk in the door and it's always delicious, Yeah, Steve actually likes doing housework. There's still cosmetics and make-up everywhere though.

Steve's kind of like my girlfriend was in that respect. But in every other respect he's more like my mom was. Oh, except for once I came home and there was another guy in the bed...but it was my dad. So we ended up having an orgy...Just kidding! I'm not that perverted, Jeez! Of course we waited until Steve left.

by numbsain...God's gift to women...that they returned for store credit.

Bush Gets Busted

A White house security guard see’s a light on in the oval office late one night. He goes to check it out and catches George W. sitting behind the desk.


SG. Oh! Mr. President, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were in here. I saw the lights on and I...

GWB: Its okay, no cost for alarm, I was just makin’ some after-davids for my next turn of when I'm president...again. I got some really smart, um, things, about how to spend all the money this time. My dad said, this turn, I can make everybody do my ideas cause these are real good ideas for the world to do and I’m gonna have another turn to be president for REAL this time ...

SG. Uh Mr. President, you’re not going to have another—

GWB: Wait! wait waitwaitwaitwait WAIT! I wanna tell my ideas, okay? Now first, here’s a list of the countries who I want to make them have a war with us 'cause I think these will be really easy countries asses to kick... their ass...
China, Bulimia, Italia, New Jersey, Siam, Africa, Belgia, Alaska, Lesbia—

SG. Uh, Lesbia sir?

GWB: YES! Lesbia! Where Condalleezza is from, stupid... Duh! and I’m not done. BE QUIE-E-T! I’m talking, do you mind? Okay now... oh! And I wanna fight in one of ‘em and I think I wanna fight in the New Jersey war 'cause that’s an important one to win. But I'm gonna have a Teminator costume. Cause I don’t want any bullets to touch me. I’m too important of a person to get shot to...this country. Can the Terminator get hit by one of our really big bombs and still live?

SG. That, I don’t know sir... which bombs do you mean?

GWB: You know like the big nu-cue-lar ones. Like they wouldn’t let me use when we blowed up the world tra— Oops Hee hee I didn’t say it! nope, I almost said it but I didn’t, I’m not no stupid dummy...Heh heh. Whoo! that was a close one. I almost said I blew up the whirl train center... What? I didn’t say it I said “ whirl train” center. Hahaha gotcha! But I want a terminator costume that can have a really big bomb get on it and I won’t feel a thing! I’ll be all: “Oh what’s that tickle? Oh it’s just a nu-cue-lar bomb.” and like, I won’t even have a scratch.

SG. Okay Mr. President, I really have to g—

GWB: NO! no,no,no, I’m not done yet! This is the good part! This is the good part! I’m gonna have a new tax just for third-world countries where they have to pay half of all their money to me, JUST to me, cause, cause, cause I never get any money myself. I don’t like it that I’m the president but I can’t hold the money. I’m tired of my dad and them getting all the money and I don’t ever get...Like, like a lot of money that’s MY money, just for me. So I’m just gonna get my own tax money that goes right to me. I mean I’m supposed to be the president, but I don’t get money? No! I need money too y’know. It’s not fair. I’m the president so I can do whatever I want, and I wa—

GB Sr: GEORGE!!!

GWB: SHIT! It’s my dad! Shhhh!

SG: I was just leaving sir.

GB Sr: GEORGE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!?

GWB: Nothin.’ The security guy said I could.

GB Sr: Well, get back to your room or I’ll have that surgeon make your eyes even closer together. Make you look even stupider! Ha ha ha!

GWB: Wait, you had a surgeon make my eyes closer together? To make me look stupider? Why, dad!? (sniff) I didn’t wanna look s-stupider, daddy! (sniff snuck) Is that why I had that really bad headache? (Sniffle) Wait a minute! Dad? Is that how my wee-wee got even smaller!?

GB Sr: GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW, GEORGE!

GWB: OKAY! okay... Geez dad, my wee-wee? Why’d you—

GB Sr: THAT’S ENOUGH GEORGE! It was just a little practical joke! (Snicker) Can’t you take a joke you little sissy? (Psha-hah-ha-ha) Ahem, NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM! I’m all done with Laura.

GWB: Dad! I thought you said you were only gonna fool around with the twins!

GB Sr: Dammit George! Do you remember what I did to you when you were five? You want me to remind you?

GWB: NO! No, th-that’s okay, daddy I’ll go but... but...I cant!

GB Sr: Why not George?

GWB: Da-a-a-ad, I don’t have any hm-hm-hm hmm-hm hmm, can you just go and I’ll go up in a minute.

GB Sr: NO! You don’t have any what?

GWB: I don’t have pajama bottoms on.

To be discontinued...


by numbsain

Driving No-No's

Cresting The Hill Phenomenon:

You're cruising along at 65 mph. The freeway is full but it's moving along nicely. You reach the top of a hill and suddenly, you can see hundreds of cars in front of you which you couldn't see before. Because you are now above the traffic, it looks like more cars, but really, its exactly the same amount as there were a second ago. So you slam on your brakes thinking, "Oh my god! Look at all those cars in front of me! I'll never get through all that. I'd better slow down." Thus you, and everyone else who thinks like you, have just created a traffic jam because of a false perception of a problem that was no different a minute ago, you just couldn't see it.

Okay, don't even TALK to me. I can not believe how stupid you are.


Rubber Necking

The freeway is moving along just fine and suddenly, it slows to a crawl. Why? Because someone has pulled over on the side. They're not blocking traffic, or even on fire, they just pulled over. As you approach you hit the brakes to see what's going on. Apparently you're life is so boring, that you feel it's more important that you stick your nosey face into someone else's business, than to allow traffic to flow smoothly. You stare slack-jawed, going 12 mph and hold up an entire lane while you rubber neck.

I am so disgusted with you and people like you, I could just puke all over you.

The Oblivions Go For a Little Drive

It's a one lane road and there are 7 cars behind you all going, well, we're going your speed, because we have no choice. You're in front. You're the boss. You control all of our fates. You decide whether we get to work on time or not. And you just happen to feel like going... oh, maybe, 28 mph even though the speed limit is 35. You're in no hurry, you've got all the time in the world. So, even though we're all about to lose our jobs, we too must go 28 mph, with an occasional slowing down to 19 mph because you happen to like this one house over here on the left and wanted to admire it's lawn jockey. We all hate your guts but, you're not the worst cretin that ever lived, just in your own little fairytale world, "La-la-la dum-de dum dosey doh, Look honey! isn't that lawn gnome cute? life is good when you're the only person on earth. La-la-la."

And I wish I could be there when the cockroaches take over and devour the only people left on earth.

Inventing The Right Hand Turn

You and your lovely wife (Blech) and your two ugly little snot-nosed brat kids are happily enacting the above scenario without a care in the world, when; Oh! It's the street you want to turn right on! "Oh honey look, It's our turn!" Theres a parking lane which doubles as a turning lane (that's why the curb is red) so you and your big fat ass car have all the room in the world to pull over to the right while you prepare for the biggest adventure of your life. You're about to invent the "RIGHT TURN" Wow! are you sure you can handle it, you trail blazer you? But since you're the only people on earth. You would rather not use the turning lane to make this ground breaking maneuver. Instead you slow down even more, to 3 mph and v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y t-u-r-n y-o-u-r s-t-u-p-i-d w-h-e-e-l-s and creep along with your big fat ugly stupid butt hanging out in the middle of the road (which you apparently own) for as l-o-n-g as possible so all 57 cars which have accumulated behind your lethargic plodding snail-like ass, have to wait until Mr. & Mrs. God decide they feel like making their right turn.

There are no words to convey the utter contempt and unmitigated loathing that I feel for you and your disgusting mousey little sniveling bitch-faced wife and your nauseating little devil-spawn children who are as good as dead if I ever see them crossing the street and I'm within a 100 yards of them.

A Sudden Desire for a Lane You Never Wanted Until I Needed It

You're driving along, perfectly happy where you are. There's a truck blocking the only other open lane and you feel like staying right behind him blocking the other lane. In your defense, you have left just enough room for me to squeak in and avail myself of the 400 miles of wide open road in front of you two turtles who have nothing better to do than to stare out your windshields going 43 mph, despite the 55 mph speed limit. FINE! I pull up along side you and make a polite gesture indicating that I'd like to just squeeze past and be the author of my own life now, you've had your fun. So with my signal flashing politely, I go to make my move, I'll be out of your way in no time flat, thank you very much. So what do you do. You floor it! closing that gap between you and the truck so now I can't get my wife to the hospital even though she is giving birth on the front seat of my car in the breach position, there is blood all over my car and my wife is in the most excruciating agony of her life. I know, because she is focusing all that pain directly into what is left of my only free hand which I offered to her to hold when she went into labor just before you got in front of me and decided to have a little fun on the road expressing your power and strength in your BIG SUV because after all, you weigh 83 pounds and yet you still manage to have a pot belly which is more than adequate to prevent you from ever seeing your tiny itty bitty little maggot sized penis. And you wonder why I carry a bazooka in my back seat and I've just blown you and your stupid piece of crap SUV, scholastic achievement stickers and all, clear into the next county. HAHAHAHAHA DIE YOU SCUMBAG!!!!!! DIE!!!!! Road rage? MOI?

"Much ado" (about nothing at all)-Political Song 3

Sung to "Making Love" (out of nothing at all)

-Air Supply-

(This song is dedicated to all you Ohio voters who boldly pulled down your pants and screwed the pooch last night! After all the talk of NAFTA, lost jobs in Ohio, poor state economy, and trade concerns, you went out and voted for one of the loudest mouthpieces FOR NAFTA! Great show! Way to rock the vote! So we here at Goldmind's Unwind want to salute you!)

(Hillary sings)

" I know just how to spin this

I know just how to lie.

I know just how to use the news

to pull the wool over your eyes!

I'll pretend that I hate NAFTA

It will be my latest scheme

And if you refer to my voting record

then I'll claim it's just a dream.

And I know that you will buy it

Anything that I tell you

Because as voters you're no smarter

Then a pile of dog poo

And I'll tell you I"m your savior

And I'll tell you not to cry

And I'll tell your moron ears

anything they want to hear

Just to get your fucking vote on my side.

I know the road to the White House

Lies through you slackjawed rubes

And in this diorama

there's no room for Obama

Who cares if he's black, I got boobs!

So I fooled the voters of Ohio

Yet I'm still set up to take a fall

So I'll scream about my minor victory

and make much ado out of nothing at all

(much ado)

Out of nothing at all"

(repeat)

(The voters sing)

"Everytime we see you on our big screen TV

we see the goat horns growing out of your hair.

But the media loves you, and licks your sagging woo woo

so we don't care.

We're searching for our minds, but they're useless and lost

and so we look up to a leader like you

You can use us like we're mindless machines

We're putty in your hands, you are our queen

We gotta follow you 'cause everything we know, you could engrave upon the head of a pin"

(O'bama sings)

"I love to watch you hedge and stumble

While I sit back and cock block

As I tally my delegates, night after night

And hear the dwindling sound of your clock.

Why would you make this race forever?

Why don't you concede your momentum is gone?

Why don't you take a long drive with my good friend Ted Kennedy

And become a book that a movie's based on.

What I'm trying to say here is Hillary

You really make my skin crawl

And I'm so sick of listening to your shit

Much ado...about nothing at all.

(much ado)

About nothing at all

(repeat)

Two Neanderthals That Time Remembered

Ungo and Mogo, two Neanderthals from about 100,000 years ago were frozen in a glacier and by a rare fluke of nature, the conditions were perfect for cryogenic suspension. Well, with global warming and all, here it is 2008, and guess who just thawed out? You guessed it. Of course, if you heard them speak, you wouldn’t understand a word of it. So we’ve translated their dialog from Neanderthalese into modern day English. Lets listen in as they stumble upon civilization for the first time and encounter a freeway.

Ungo: Shiny beasts with circular legs go fast. Strange how they stay on the dark dirt.

Mogo: Loose herds make them easy prey, but how do you eat something like that?

Ungo: I think you have to shell it to get the meat, like a beetle only slightly larger. I saw something with eyes inside it.

Mogo: I saw that too. Was it picking its nose?

Ungo: That’s the one.

Mogo: Look at those oddly shaped rocks over there near the flat rocks on tall sticks. How do they climb up to draw those symbols on them?

Ungo: Obviously they draw the symbols on the rocks first, then hoist them up high.

Mogo: Why would they go to all that trouble for such an ugly thing.

Ungo: There is much about this place that we don’t understand, Mogo. I think we might be in the future.

Mogo: What the hell is that?

Ungo: Imagine if you went to sleep and then woke up many times, really fast...

Mogo: I’m barely with you, but go ahead.

Ungo: And you did this so fast that many, many, many—pretend I kept saying “many” until your hair became grey—that many cold times happened in one visit from the ball of fire.

Mogo: Oy! You really have a knack for making me want to take my head off and wash it in the stream. But go ahead, I hope you’re going somewhere with this.

Ungo: Then imagine how tall our biggest tree would be by the time you were wrinkled like Grak

Mogo: Rickety old Grak? looks like if he sneezed, he’d fly away? Hogo uses his finger to remove pieces of meat from his teeth? Practically walks on all fours? His children’s children have children? That Grak?

Ungo: Yes, that Grak.

Mogo: Well if he had that many cold times in one visit from the ball of fire, our biggest tree would be so big... we wouldn’t even... it would be... I don’t know what it would be! But it would be very different, that is for sure!

Ungo: Exa-a-actly! Now you’re catching on. Things change very slowly but if we made it go faster, things would be very strange to us when we stopped to look around.

Mogo: Just like they are here!

Ungo: Bingo!

Mogo: What the hell is bingo? No, never mind, you’ve already made my eyeholes hurt on the inside. These are really strange mountains! Look, those animals walk like we do. They look delicious!

Ungo: Caution! I think they may be dangerous. They are not afraid to climb inside the circular-legged beast. Look, they are getting food out of that cave, let’s go inside and get some too, just act casual, like you know someone.

Mogo: Look, Ungo! Food! Strange food though, it looks like it was left for a sick person who can’t chew.

Ungo: Who cares, I can smell it... [sniff sniff]... That is unborn bird without the crunchy part... [snurf snuffle]... That is small pieces of burned flat-nosed tusked beast... [snarf sniffly]... And these flat circles are mashed grass seeds and water, poured on hot rocks.

Mogo: How did they make them so light and fluffy?

Ungo: Good question, Tata’s mashed grass seed circles never came out like this.

Mogo: I’m going to eat all of this right now! [clunk!] OW!

Ungo: What happened?

Mogo: I went to eat the food and this rock was in the way. But I didn’t see it because it has the look of still water. Why is it there? Look, I can reach underneath and get the food...(Chomp chomp) HEY! THIS IS GOOD!!! (Gralmp munch munch crunch chew choff choff!)

Ungo: Not so fast Mogo, you won’t be able to keep it down...

Mogo: (Urp! ...Ka-BA-A-A-R-R-F-FF!!!)

Ungo: Nice going you glutton! You ruined the food by spewing your eaten food right on top of it. Now it won’t taste nearly as good.

Mogo: (Gro-o-o-a-n), I’m sorry... Wait! Look! That’s what the still-water-looking rock is for! it caught my eaten food. The food is okay! Just stay away from these mashed grass seed lumps. they have a really thin peel you can’t see. I don’t think you’re supposed to eat that part.

Ungo: I could have told you that. Look, it has those strange symbols on it. That can’t be natural. You don’t know where that food has been.

Mogo: Hey, Ungo, don’t look now, but there are several of those animals that walk like we do, staring right at us.

Ungo: Yes and they’re all wearing the same color pelts, like the color of deep water. Why are they pointing those black things at us? Those can’t be weapons.

Mogo: They’re holding them like they are. Lets go over and take one and look at it.

Ungo: Be careful, they look angry.

Mogo: I don’t care, They look weak and they smell like fear.

Police Officer: FREEZE, MONKEY MAN! [KaPOW!!!]

Ungo: Whoa! They are weapons!! That’s the loudest slingshot I’ve ever heard!

Mogo: What?

Ungo: What?

Mogo: What?

Ungo: What? I can’t hear a thing. My ears stopped working after the slingshot made that noise. Uh-oh, here they come. I think we should do as they say. Look what the weapon did to the food.

Mogo: I am with you all the way on that!

[Later]

Ungo: Well, they were not very friendly about it, but they welcomed us into their cave and they give us food three times every visit from the ball of fire.

Mogo: Yes but have you noticed we can’t leave?

Ungo: That does worry me, but if they were going to eat us, why haven't they done it? Or why don't they just eat the food they’re giving us?

Mogo: True. I guess everything is alright then. Say, how about a game of count my fingers!

Ungo: I would love to! May I go first?

Mogo: Be my guest.

Ungo: One...um, wait, one...wait, where was I? Oh yes! One...um, wait, one...two!...Ha ha ha! I got all the way to two!

Mogo: It always amazes me how well you do this.

Ungo: Yes well, it just takes concentration. Now where was I? Oh yes! One...


by numbsain... a direct descendant of the Neanderthal... very direct.