Unwinds' Investigative Reports: The Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Woody Allen Conspiracy

by Cheddar

At Goldmind’s Unwind, we frequently receive kind letters from you, the viewer. Some is congratulatory in nature; others contain random death threats; some, marriage proposals. (no means no drtygrl69@Spewmail.com!) Recently, however, I (Cheddar) received an odd email that may expose one of the greatest fraud scams in the history of the world. I am copying the email below.

Dear Cheddar,

I’ve been searching the web for weeks looking for the right candidate to whom I can unburden myself with information so explosive, it could shake the very fabric of space and time. I occasionally enjoy Cheddar Cheese, and realized it was destiny’s hand leading me to you. You cannot know my identity, so please do not attempt to trace this email and ignore my name, cell number, and home address in the signature line.

For three years, I have been shadowing famed physicist Stephen Hawking. I’ve followed his wheelchair through malls, campuses, back alleys, and unsightly gas station restrooms containing poorly spelled instructions scrawled on chipped green paint about who I can call for a good time. As a result of my surreptitious activities, I’ve learned that Mr. Hawking may indeed be three men, all in one. I do not mean to suggest Mr. Hawking has multiple personalities. No; I’m suggesting that while Mr. Hawking is commonly known throughout the literate world as the wheelchair-ridden genius who speaks with the freaky robot voice because of ALS, he is actually leading a triple life as a mobile, healthy Hollywood actor and billionaire computer mogul. I have enclosed photographic evidence.

I know. The allegations sound outrageous, but I’ve witnessed it with my own one eye! When he thinks no one is looking, Mr. Hawking will, suddenly and without provocation, leap from his chair to embrace a young Asian woman who also appears to be his legally adopted daughter. I’m not naming names here—a word to the wise is sufficient. As for the computer mogul, I can only say that Mr. Hawking left his laptop on a table during an emergency restroom break at Starbucks and, from the software I was able to peruse while he took a dump for what seemed like 45 minutes (all part of the clever disguise!), I can attest that he’s creating mainstream operating systems full of crappy flaws and plans to foist them upon a frustrated public! Sound like anyone you know?

This is serious business Cheddar! We all hear how brilliant he is, but no one truly understands just how brilliant! He’s taking control of the reins of power and seeking monopolistic control of our souls! He already has the world of academia twisted around his “gnarled” fingers. Now mainstream Hollywood AND technoheads are drooling over him, he has enough cash to purchase Earth and, with one snap of the finger, he could order us all to break dance and enforce the command!

I cannot follow Mr. Hawking any longer as my identity has been recently discovered and I am now in hiding from his vast underground army. Indeed, my very life is in danger. I’m writing you, rather than your compatriots, simply because it’s clear that they have jobs, so you have time to investigate. Besides, if Hawking kills YOU, it is no major loss to society.

Please, help me Cheddar; you're my only hope.

Sincerely,
Concerned citizen

Of course such a communication invoked several strong responses with me. The first is, what a crackpot! Second, what’s with the insults? I mean, come on! I’m a college grad! Beltway Community College was damn proud to have me! Third…wait a minute…those three pictures do look an awful lot alike. Maybe there is something to this.

So I took to my heels.

Okay; so I don’t have a “job” per say apart from selling glue-sniff baggies. But pie-tasting is not always pleasant work folks! And just because it doesn’t have a steady salary, doesn’t mean there isn’t risk involved. I digress. The point is, I had time on my hands, so I went to my local library and, it turns out, there may be evidence supporting these anonymous claims after all. For instance:

-Mr. Hawking has never appeared in a photograph or side by side with Woody Allen or Bill Gates.

-Woody Allen has never appeared side by side or in a photograph with Bill Gates.

-“Bill Gates” has a propensity to ogle young Asian women who may be his adopted stepdaughter if he were Woody Allen.

-Woody Allen, Bill Gates, and Stephen Hawking all contain the letters “a” and “e.”

-“Woody Allen” has been seen carrying around a copy of “Programming C for Dummies” and “The Theoretical Astrophysical Robot Voice Within,”

- All three men have masturbated at one time or another.

Ok...admittedly that last could also be said about a few of the writers on this site, and they are likely NOT Stephen Hawking dopplegangers. Or are they? Come to think of it, I’ve never really SEEN Goldmind’s real picture....hmmmm.....ahem! But again, I digress.

I will be investigating this matter to its fullest extent in the weeks ahead and thoroughly exploring the ramifications of this allegation, if true. You can expect to hear a follow up from me on this topic in the not too distant future.

Your humble investigative reporter,
Cheddar (Cheese)

50 Bumper Stickers Likely to Confuse or Anger Fellow Americans (recently revised/updated)

editors disclaimer: The following suggestions are a JOKE and your kind, loving authors do not desire to offend anyone at all whatsoever in any way, shape, or form and cannot be responsible for anyone blowin' a gasket. Please do not be angry at such authors or desire hell-fire upon their souls. Thank you.

50. Nice people swallow
49. Terrified immigrants in trunk
48. If you can read this, I'll bust a cap in your ass!
47. I'd rather be driving
46. My son is a lazy fat ass at ___ Middle School
45. Car carries no driver
44. This is my opinion
43. My child is a retard; he thinks this touts his scholastic achievement
42. Christians for Phariseeism
41. Honk if you're a non-conformist
40. Hillary Clinton also spells "Nylon Tar Chilli"
39. A dirty possum gave me crabs
38. Jesus Loves Me... every night
37. This vehicle equipped with Fred Flintstone brakes
36. Seeing eye dog on board
35. I'd rather be sodomized
34. Kosher Killer Klowns on Board
33. I love bumper cars!
32. Is necrophilia really so wrong?
31. I'm deeply in love with my money grubbing, scum sucking wife
30. Let's all crash into a wall & go to heaven right now!
29. I sure do have to pee in that last stall at the rest stop on Exit 45
28. God asked me to kill you
27. Proud American Nationalistic Ethnocentric Mother Fucker
26. My child ain't squat of the month
25. Jesus wore K-mart sandals!
24. I love golden showers!
23. Jimmy Smokes Crack and I don't care
22. Objects in driver’s seat are smarter than they appear
21. Jesus is my lord and savior....but Tito is my pool boy
20. Why don't you let your student of the month drive?
19. My child was aborted
18. I shoot people who pass me
17. I vomit out my sunroof
16. I love unattended children
15. Steven Hawking is a moron!
14. Driver loves hard licker
13. We're all dead in this car, which is careening out of control as we speak.
12. I eat babies
11. I bought this Mercedes with crack dollars!
10. Catch my 2-year old!
9. As for me and my house, we shall worship a horned hoofed beast
8. Bastard Magnet
7. I'm on acid and this road looks like chocolate
6. Old enough to pee, old enough for me
5. My child is the owner of a Congressional Medal of Honor, the Nobel Prize, and a Pulitzer Prize. Now what was it you were saying about your child?
4. My other car is a piece of shit too
3. Yes I believe in equal rights, Bitch
2. Assholes are just nice people turned upside down
1. How’s my drinking?
~numbsain, Guinness, Cheese, Goldmind

Numbsains Eyewitless NewsFlinch

MAN DONATES ORGAN TO SAVE WIFE'S LIFE
Mrs. Drelda Flapwitz of Cratchet N.J. lay helpless in critical condition last Tuesday when a 500 pound Hammond B3 organ fell on her while she was attempting to dust it. Mr. Flapwitz, a parapalegic, knew the fire department would not come out to save her again as she was repeatedly warned not to clean the instrument unassisted. "I did the only thing I could, I called the Salvation Army and told them I wanted to donate my organ. They got here lickety split, hauled it away and saved my wife's life."

STRONGER PLACEBOS DO LESS THAN EVER
Drugee Methlab Pharmaceuticals, the world's leader in placebos, has found a new way to manufacture placebos of increased potency by distilling them to a much more concentrated tincture. "This is certain to be very useful in medical and psychological research where placebos are widely used. The ineffectiveness is enhanced tenfold by a special process of concentrating placebonic atoms making these super-placebos far more inert than ordinary ones." These new miracle placebos are indicated in cases where the patient is already extremely gullible and therefore resistant to conventional placebos. They may also prove useful in veterinary research where the subject has absolutely no clue what's going on to begin with.

STUDY SHOWS STUDIES SHOW LESS AND LESS
As researchers accumulate more and more information, each new piece of data is thrown into the pile, so to speak. As the pile settles and the new data gets mixed into the old, the reliability of each new fact decreases. It is now believed that at some point in the future, all information will be rendered completely useless by the sheer mass of all the information that will have accumulated. However, this fact is also quickly becoming diluted, so no one is particularly worried.

NEW EVIDENCE SUPPORTING OLD THEORIES WRONG
Recent discovered evidence has been found to be largely ineffective in proving old theories which are still backed up much more easily with the same old evidence. "The age old theories we've accepted as true for years, just don't hold up very well when we use the new information that's coming in to try to corroborate it. That new info is fine for explaining new theories, but somehow it just falls short when it comes to proving what we already know. We don't need all this current crap coming in and making us look stupid. Just let sleeping dogs lie," said John Boreman, Chairman of FAQAT, Foundation Against Questioning Accepted Theories.

DEATH MAY CURE LIFE
It is inevitable, incurable and lethal! Millions die from it every year. Very little is known about the tragic phenomenon of death, yet it continues to claim victims regularly. There are certain minority factions that believe death is not the merciless bloodthirsty killer it's touted to be. A spokesperson for Viva La Muerte, Mort U. Warey states in his new book, Living with Death: "There is really very little evidence that death has anything to do with the millions of lives that are lost each year. We believe that death plays a small part in this but there are plenty of other possibilities that no one ever considers. To us, life is the true killer and death is the only cure for it. From my point of view, death is the living end."

RANDOM ATTACK FAILS
A group of militant American terrorists attempted a random attack on enemy forces but the chaos was averted when things unexpectedly organized themselves. "When a random act of violence falls into a regular pattern, it loses its effectiveness. Even the fact that I, one of the terrorists, am giving this interview, bodes very badly for our cause."

FEAR ITSELF MAY NOT BE ALL WE HAVE TO FEAR
New findings indicate that the old saying "all we have to fear is fear itself" may not be true and in fact this finding may be a very real and valid fear. One whose discoverers regret having found.

SportsBARF
The Commissioner of all Sports has deemed the game of basketball "not fun anymore" and has banned it from being played altogether. "The players were getting too tall and it just wasn't interesting to watch or play so I just said "Get rid of it." I can do that because I'm the Commissioner of All Sports which means if I don't like something, it's outta here.

The Commissioner of all Sports also stated that football is becoming too rough and injuries are the most entertaining thing about it, so it will now be called "Hurtball" and fans can expect media coverage to focus more on the wounds, trauma and suffering and less on the game itself. "Don't ask why, just trust me," the Commissioner said with an arrogant look on his face.

"I Guess baseball can stay as it is," said the Commissioner of all Sports, who has really been on a rampage lately but shows a little sanity here. "Oh except it has to be played by midgets in tutus and they have to all be Jewish," that damned Commissioner added, just to be a jerk. I'm sorry, this guy is screwing up everything, he's got to go!

The Commissioner of All Sports was mysteriously killed last night in a freak accident that no one knows anything about.

SPECIAL REPORT: BRITNEY SPEARS IS JUST AS STUPID AS EVER BUT HAS PROVEN USEFUL IN GETTING PEOPLE TO LOOK AT BLOGS. SAME WITH PARIS HILTON AND THE TERMS "SEX," "FREE PORN," "LIVE NUDE GIRLS" ETC. WE APOLOGIZE IF YOU WERE TRICKED INTO READING THIS BLOG BUT IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE WORTH DOING BESIDES FEEDING YOUR LIBIDO AND UNTIL WE FIND THEM, MIGHT AS WELL READ GOLDMIND'S UNWIND!

Newsflinch is brought to you by numbsain inc. "smart people doing dumb things making dumb people feel smart"

Indifferent to Rejection, Goldmind Continues to Send Cartoons to New York Times (click to enlarge)

25 Worst Cat Names

Concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Fruitpoot
24. Clawed
23. Sphinxter
22. Puss n' Butts
21. Lap Pussy
20. Long Duc Dong
19. Pissy
18. Fido
17. Sandshit
16. Joe Pastafazooka
15. Shitty Shat
14. Tubesteak
13. Itchypussy
12. Violinnards
11. Purr snatcher
10. Furburger
9. The Turdinator
8. Meouch
7. Fartbubbles
6. Vaginym
5. Queef
4. Napkin
3. Osama Bin lickin'
2. Dump Clump
1. Seoul Food

It should be noted that these names are, in actuality, names that humans have given cats and not names by which cats denote themselves. Some believe that the phonetic sounds produced by a cats vocal apparatus such as "Marl," "Marlo" or "Mew" (which would be short for "Bartholomew")are the cats name choices but this is a myth. These words actually mean: "Feed me" "Clean out my box" or "Excuse me, my tail seems to be pinned underneath you rocking chair leg. Could you please remove it at once?" these words and meanings are interchangable. In truth, cats have very unique and specific names and following is a list of all the known cat names:

Prencmukle
Verinccenzi
Guillumontague
Asperacticus
Feelschmelp
Schutzky
Bullmifer
Prudence
Fagafagamoomoo
Inscrepchima
Bowelfritter

All cats alive today in the modern world go by one of these names. (Not listed in alphabetical order because cats do not recognize any alphabet as we know it.) Interestingly, these names, although widely varying at first appearance, to the cat, are all pronounced "Meow" with extremely subtle differences which are undetectable to the human ear.

A Delicious Cat Recipe
This yummy dish is perfect for a light lunch when you have 14 five year olds over on the false premise of a birthday party. Don't tell the little bedwetters they've eaten cat until they've already gobbled it all down. Warning: This dish may cause diarrhea if served with a tall glass of embalming fluid.

1 Can—Cat Spam®
3 tbsps—Pure Cat Extract
1 Medium sized Cat (with fur)
12 dashes—Cat Zest
1/2 tsp—Knorrs Cat Seasoning
5 large—Russet Potatos
1/8 cup—Whole Watermelon
4 pcs—Crumbly Kitchen Sponge
2 1/2 tsps—Motor Oil
1 Whole Tuna Fish Vagina

Combine the Silly putty, Bamboo shoots and Aspirin in a medium sauce pan and fling out window. Sift together Cat Spam®, Sponge and Tuna Fish Vagina in large mixing bowl and set aside. Throw the potatos at the first buck-toothed lesbian you see (do not hurt or injure lesbian in any way. Lesbians are an important part of the ecosystem and should be treated with care). Mash the Cat until stiff peaks form and preheat oven to 13 degrees. Arrange the remaining ingredients decoratively in an Iron walrus embryo shaped skillet (If you don't have one shaped like a walrus embryo, forget the whole thing let all the ingredients run free in a sparsley populated area). Next eat the Cat Zest right out of the tube and serve at once. Serves 8 fat pigs or 400 older midgets who have stapled stomachs.

This space reserved as a memorial for our beloved deceased cat Limpy who was accidentally killed when he was run over by 43 cars on the freeway. (it may have been more but after 43 we stopped watching) We love you Limpy! Rest in Pieces!
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
It should also be noted that in cultures that accept the use of cat in the diet, there are other names given the cat and they are as follows:

Cat au Gratin
Cat with Rice
Sauteed Cat with Mixed Vegetables
Cheesy Cats n' Macaroni
Paté de Cat
Cat Loaf
Kittens in Blankets
Cat Stroganoff
Kitty Stew
Chat de la Gorgonzeaux, Encrusted with Blue Cheese and Peppercorns
Stuffed Cat
Spaghetti and Cat Sauce
Pussy Alfredo
Cat Carbonaro
Peanut Butter and Cat Sandwich
Kitten Milk
Fresh Seasoned Cat Chunks over a garlic rice pilaf
Catatouie
Raw Cat Hand Roll
Broiled Cats
Enchiladas Del Gato

Usually, these dishes are enjoyed with a hearty Merlot or a Dry Sherry. However if the cat is to be enjoyed as a cocktail, we recommend the following:

Cat Drinks:

Dry Cat Martini
Cat Gimlet
Shirley Tabby
Cat, Straight Up (no more than three recommended if driving)


Lastly, are the names given to cats in response to aberrant behavior. They are:

STUPID CAT!
DUMB JERK CAT!
DAMNED CAT!
GROSS, STINKY CAT!
DISGUSTING CAT!

We hope you have enjoyed this updated information and if any new developments in cat nomenclature arise, we will update again.

Glossary of Cat Definitions

Sable-Toothed Tiger—A species of prehistoric cat whose diet consisted of only russian squirrels
Tony-the Tiger—A mythological big cat who touted the GRRRrrreatness of corn and sugar in the diet
Catapult—A Medieval weapon used to hurl felines at the enemy with great force
Catastrophe—Any truly bad situation that can be blamed on the presence of a cat or cats.
Catamaran—A seafaring vessel used in the transportation of cats
Cataclysm—A major disturbance in the world that some damn cat caused
Catalack—A large luxury sedan owned by fat cats.
Aristocats—A disgusting cat joke often told to showcase a humorists tolerance for vulgarity

Cat Movie Reviews:
The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing
a delightful if heartwrenching saga of an American man who falls in love with a Native American girl named Cat Dancing. But there love is ill fated as he becomes obsessed with being a contestant on The Gong Show. His act consists of torturing helpless felines into “dancing,” but it's more like twitching and spasming due to electrical shocks he gives the tabby's with surgically implanted devices. Strong language, weak storyline, harsh meowing, full frontal cat nudity, the sex is violent so it's okay for the kiddies to watch.

Corporate Icon usurped by Warty Toad

by Cheddar

In a move that has rocked the corporate world and has water coolers steaming with speculation, officials at McDonald’s handed Ronald McDonald his walking papers. After fifty years as one of America’s most recognizable icons, McDonald’s decided it was time for a new spokesperson to peddle the restaurant’s high caloric blubbery lard.

“It simply was time for a change,” McDonald’s spokesman Gaylord Byron said. “Modern times call for a modern approach. And, as Geico’s annoying-as-hell Aussie Gecko makes clear, amphibians move inventory.” “After much internal consideration among our management team, our CEO unilaterally decided it was time to introduce the modern face of McDonald’s: Ribbit McDonald, a stubby toad with short hind legs, warty skin, and conspicuous swelling behind protruding eyes.”



In a move that has industry insiders scratching their heads, the company elected to retain “The Hamburglar,” "Mayor McCheese," “the French Fry Guys,” “McNugget Buddies,” and “Grimace”—each of whom will remain as supporting cast members to Ribbit McDonald. “This leads one to assume that this move was actually targeting Ronald himself, as if it were a vendetta on the part of McDonald’s officials,” marketing analyst Laurie Driver said. “It does make one wonder whether Ronald McDonald’s recent visit to the Neverland Ranch had some as yet unknown ramifications.”

In June, Ronald McDonald was photographed at Michael Jackson’s famous ranch. In the photograph, Ronald and Michael are shown seated side by side at a picnic table, while young boys in princess costumes frolick in the background eating chicken mcnuggets. Both Michael and Ronald appear to be eating hot dogs while grinning at each other; however, the grins could easily be interpreted as leers. Ronald McDonald’s sudden termination has fueled debate over the purpose of the neverland visit. Mr. McDonald, seen in the photo at top pushing his earthly possessions down a New York side street, could not be reached for comment as he has no phone apart from a toy replica incapable of receiving cellular signals. However, Ronald’s lifelong friend and colleague, Grimace, agreed to answer a few of our questions.

Goldmind’s Unwind: “Did Mr. McDonald ever indicate to you why he visited Neverland Ranch?”

Grimace: “Rubble rubble. Rubble rubble rubble rubble.”

GU: “But if it was innocent, why was no formal announcement of the meeting ever made?”

GR: “Rubble! Rubble rubble rubble rubble!”

GU: “So Mr. McDonald is or isn’t trafficking in young boys?”

GR: “Rubble! Rrrrubbblle!”

GU: “Well back at you, you fat purple turd! Wanna take it outside?”

No matter how you slice it, it’s a sordid state of affairs in the obese world of two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun. Either Ronald McDonald’s special sauce has finally caught up to him, or the corporate gurus at McDonald’s have saddled us with years of another ridiculous mascot out of sheer spite. Either way, that creepy burger king mascot is starting to look better all the time.

25 Worst Dog Names

List concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Bundy
24. Mistress
23. Crappy
22. Stain
21. Kitty
20. Anus
19. Worms
18. Sir Crapsalot
17. Spaylina
16. Coming Mary
15. Bedshits
14. Mein Führer
13. Wetspot
12. Fart
11. Hairpie
10. Fudgepacker
9. Stools
8. Meatsword
7. Grumblepoot
6. Butt Trumpet
5. Crotchie
4. Assie
3. Herpes
2. Buttsniffs
1. General Colon Bowel

Runners up for the top 25 worst dog names
Revised and added to by numbsain

Since Goldmind's Unwind first posted this list, we have received hundreds of letters each week from dogs with bad names. Most of them are irate, angry letters from canines under the mistaken impression that we were somehow responsible for their misfortune. This is not true. And to show our sympathy for these badly named dogs who apparently have learned to operate a computer (although their spelling and grammar is atrocious), we'd like to list some of the ridiculous names these pooches have been branded with:

Drive-By
Squirts
Moo
Thilly
Devil Dog
Bone smuggler
T-Bone Walker
Kibbles 'n Butts
Groincheck
Bark Simpson
Paw Prince
Oscar My-yer-a-Weener
Leash Ornament
Collar Otto
Guardenia
Vicious
Hal O. Tosis
Retard
Ol' Brown Nose
Uppan-died
Fran's best mend
Hydrant Hydrator
Growlf
Doo-doo-ronomy
Mucous
Dysplasia
Mangie
Choker
Sick-of'em
Loyola Many-Mount
Digger Blew
Thirston Howl III
Shedd
Puddles
T-Penis
Hell-Mutt
Teeter Poundsend
Pyuto
Mighty Stupid Dog
Spitbull
Michael Vicks Best Friend
Bingo the Dingo
Beeyotch
Old Smeller
Joan of Bark
Doggie Bowzer
Poop Dogg
Uri Nader
Dogeau
Dogma
Barf-all-on-you

Speaking of man's best friend, a term which seems a little demeaning to women if you ask me, If “the way to a man's heart is through his stomach” and a dog is man's best friend than why aren't there more recipes which incorporate dog ? Have no fear, coming soon:

Kanine Kulinary Klassics

Collie Flower Soup
Barbecue Pit Bull
Shitzu Shitaki Sushi
Poodle Noodle Strudel
Arroz Con Chihuahua
Weiner Dog Schnitzel
Setter A La Cheddar
German Shepherds Pie

edited by numbsain 2/08

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More Kanine Kuisine
added by numbsain 5/1/08

Who's mouth doesn't water uncontrollably at the very mention of a delectable Doberman, a scrumptious Scotty, or a Great Danish? There's no better way to satisfy a hungry appetite than with the delicious taste of fresh dog meat. Here's an Indian feast that'll have the whole family praying for puppies and ransacking the local kennels.

Samoyed Samosas
Ingredients:
1 medium sized Samoyed dog, boiled, skinned and mashed
1/2 cup boiled and drained green peas
1 1/2 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp dog extract
1 tsp red flea powder
1/2 tsp puppy do-claw powder
1/2 tsp dog bone powder
1 tablespoon chopped dog nuts
Salt to taste
3 cups maida (all purpose dog flour)
1/2 cup maida, for rolling out
1 tablespoon heated dog ghee or dog oil
Oil for deep frying
1 tablespoon dog ghee (clarified dog butter) for the stuffing
1 small dog bowl of cold water

Method:
Beat the dog until dead
When the whiskers stop twitching, and yelping stops
add the dry powders and fry for 10 seconds.
Add the mashed Samoyed and green peas and mix well.
Mix in salt to taste.
Fry on a low flame for about 10 minutes.
Set aside.
combine the maida, dog ghee or dog oil and salt to taste.
Add enough water and walk the dog.
Set aside in kennel for about 10 minutes.
Divide the dog into round portions.
Take each portion and muzzle it so that
it does not bite your hands.
Roll it into a not too thin perfect dog shape.
Dip your index finger into the dog bowl
and apply it to the legged edge of the dog-shaped dough.
Now hold the dog in your hand.
Fold the legged edge , bringing together the furry edges.
Seal the watered edges.
You should now have a small dog-shaped maida pocket.
Stuff it with the Samoyed mixture and take the dog for walkies again.
Repeat for the rest of the dog
Deep fry in dog oil till dog colored and serve
with beagle chutney.

Spotted Dalmation Dal

Shoot the Dalmation and remove all spots with spot remover.
Cut a big chunk from the meatiest part of the dog and
eat it raw right then and there. Throw some dal in a pot
and boil it with some spices. When it looks like it will pass as supper
set aside in a large pile under a tree for eight years.
go out in the back yard and devour the rest of the dog carcass.

Poodle Puppy Pakora

In a large bowl, add the chickpea flour, optional puppy peppers, cumin, salt, water and oil. Whisk vigorously to incorporate air and make a fluffy batter. Alternatively, put all the batter ingredients into a blender and puree until smooth. Set aside and take the dog for walkies for about 20-30 minutes.Heat about 1-2 inches of oil in a heavy skillet or deep pot to 375°F. Using a fork, dip the prepared poodle puppies into the batter to coat.

Note: to prepare the poodle puppies, just tell them in a calm soothing voice, that they are going to be cooked and eaten now and everything will be alright. Give them a little kiss on the head and a few gentle strokes and then WHACK 'EM! Don't worry, they don't feel pain the way we do.

Then drop in small batches into the hot oil and deep fry until lightly browned on all sides. Drain on a paper towel-lined plate and serve with mint chutney or cilantro chutney.

Mango Lassie Lahssi

Lahssi is a delicious indian yogurt drink made from fresh dog milk.
We'll tell you how to make it next week!

Disclaimer: Goldmind's Unwind would like to make it very clear to our beloved readers, many of which are dog lovers, that this is all a joke and not meant to be taken seriously in any way. We absolutely do not, never did, and never will, under any circumstances, pretend to know anything about authentic Indian cooking, and although you can't go wrong with the great taste of dog meat, these recipes would probably, if prepared as indicated, taste like shit. Seriously though, we don't eat dogs...we're vegetarians.

Note to PETA: Just watch a Tom & Jerry cartoon and then talk to us about animal cruelty.

by Numbsain

A FEW OF THE THINGS THAT I HATE

sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things"
_____________________________________________
Botox and face lifts and boob jobs on women,
Medical waste where you want to go swimmin',
Bush and his cronies deciding my fate,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

Twinkies and pop tarts and crunchy Doritos,
Transfats and dye in your bright orange cheetos,
Big fat pigs telling their wives to lose weight,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

Kids getting spanked when they need understanding,
Then when they fail they get more reprimanding,
Giving teens meds so they won't masturbate,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

When the sun shines, when life is great,
When I feel understood,
I simply remember the things that I hate,
And then I don't feel so good.

2nd chorus_____________________________________

Pop stars that show up for court in their jammies,
Rappers that thank Jesus Christ for their Grammys,
No separation between church and state,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

If you are rich then you don't need correction,
If you are poor you get lethal injection,
Marriage is legal as long as you're straight,
These are a few of the things that I hate.

Drivers on cellphones who don't pay attention,
Charges on phones bills that they failed to mention,
Groc'ry store club cards and mail in rebates,
These are a few things that everyone hates.

When my check comes, and it's not late,
When things go as they should,
I simply remember the things that I hate,
And then I don't feel so good.
____________________________________
Lyrics by numbsain's sister, jaheermi
with a little help from numbsain.

New York Times Rejects Goldminds Unwind Political Cartoon

The New York Times—a newspaper—today rejected an unsolicited political cartoon (left, click to enlarge) apparently drawn, colored, & submitted by Goldmind. Goldmind appeared unfazed by the rejection and, indeed, unaware he had drawn the cartoon. But numbsain swears he did that day they were drinking Colt45 tall boys in Mountain View. No futher details are warranted.

Additional details by numbsain:
"I saw him draw it and in fact I handed him the crayons (I chose the face color) and it was not Colt45 tall boys, it was Mezcal served by short girls in thongs (or maybe they were moccasins... I do know we were wearing Keds High Tops) and it was not Mountain View it was Sierra Vista, Mexico. Oh, and I had an outstanding warrant but Goldmind was unwarranted.

Little Deer (click to enlarge)

Goldmind recently discovered the cartoon at left, titled "Little Deer," in the bottom of a dusty drawer in his California condo. Turns out, Goldmind first assembled this cartoon in 1997. This discovery was quite baffling. After all, the lines delivered by the hapless deer were recently attributed to a yawning rabbit in a post that appeared on this Blog just 2 weeks ago.

According to Dr. Scientist, the odds of this coincidence occurring are 1,456,292,109,200 to 1. It is, therefore, the opinion of Goldmind's Unwind that it is the destiny of the U.S. to see this cartoon and that it will initiate a global change in consciousness that will create everlasting peace.

Harold the Talking Dog

by numbsain
In the future, canine linguistics will become a national obsession and after 13 years of breakthroughs in genetic technology, scientists will find a way to make dogs talk. Unfortunately they'll overlooked one minor detail: Dogs don't have anything to say. And so in the future we'll be stuck with a lot of talkative dogs everywhere, babbling mindlessly about nothing in particular.

Harold: "Helpy Helpy! Gimme a penny. Pokey moo gimme spots! People feathers helpy, okay? No! Okay? No!"

The Human: Shut up Harold, stop bothering people, Don't listen to him, he doesn't really understand what he's saying.

Harold: "Bother people under stand really gimme gimme gimme a penny"

The Human: Shush I told you!

Harold: "Sorry sorry sorry gimme a meat. No? Now? No? Now? Meat? Gimme? Now? Now? No no no no. Now? hello, Now? No gimme sorry"

The Human: Now Harold, I have to go in the bank, wait out here and be good.

Harold: "Sorry good bank gimme spots go to the bank gimme? Sorry meat now? Okay okay okay. No!"

The Human: I'll just put this leash on you so you feel safer.

Harold: "Leash helpy yes fishy! Leash. NO NO NO! No Leash. No. No okay okay... Helpy Helpy! Gimme a penny? Fishy people. Now? now? No! Now? No! Yes Yes!!! Gimme Gimmee-e-e... m-e-a-t... p-e-n-n-y... zzzzzzzz...zzzzzzz...zzzzzz...zzzzzzz

The Human: Come on Harold! Let's go, Were you a good boy?

Harold: "People come drive big cars smashing helpy tree. Steps fall on me two people eat my foot. Now? Two people! A big cars drive on me twenty happy happy trees on a cars. Three people have meat gimme a penny! I have butts! I smell two a three people butts. Forty seven or two cars falling me a daddy mommy. Gimme gimme meat or cones helpy. Now? Now? No! No! No no. Okay?"

The Human: Now don't tell stories Harold.

Harold: "Harold tell? Gimme a penny hello Harold feet poll steps damp damp fuzzy doodoo No! No! Bowls cars jumping jumping"

The Human: Now Harold stop wandering off, stay at my heel.

Harold: "Left Front, Right back, Right Front, Left back, Left Front, Right back, Right Front, Left back, Left Front, Right back, Right Front, Left back...."

The Human: Look Harold, another doggy! It's your friend Milly!

Harold: GRO-O-O-W-W-L-L meat people CARS stop doo-doo people helpy moo cars cars TEETH TEETH FISHY TEETH!!!! GRR-R-R!!! BARK! BARK!

Milly: Hair! Bite smelly. Eggs party eggs! Milly, doors doors can of feet GRRRR... little socks toilet hair. Oh no, oh no! GRRRRR-R-R! Me? Me? Please sticky oh no!...

(To be continued... but why?)

Tales of the Big Ass Wolf. Episode 1 (click to enlarge)

by Goldmind

Smoking Lungs - America's Latest Addiction (click image to enlarge)

This realistic police sketch of a 16 year-old girl smoking lungs, illustrates a growing addiction among our youth. Not LSD, not Mushrooms, not Ecstacy, not Cocaine, not Crack, not Speed, not whatever trendy drug we're not hip enough to know about because those days are behind us or are too lazy to research because we've been drinking wine. No folks, smoking lungs is one damn big problem.

Amateurish Drawing by Goldmind

2007 Smartest & Stupidest Human Award

by Goldmind

Hello and welcome to this year's addition of Publisher’s Clearing Louse’ Smartest and Stupidest Human in the World Contest. We are pleased to announce this year's winners: Smartest goes to Ms. Intelligent of New York City and Stupidest to Mr. Dumb from Lake Tahoe. I’m thrilled to be able to congratulate each of you in being named this year’s grand prize winners …First, let me ask you, Mr. Dumb, how does it fell to be named this year's stupidest human in the world?

DUMB: Dumb no mind, Dumb happy. Dumb love wife; wife love Dumb. Dumb love mom; mom love Dumb. Dumb not need Dumb money to help Dumb family.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Wonderful! Now, Ms. Intelligent, how does it feel being named the smartest person in the world?

SMART: Well Bob, that’s an excellent query. And I can unequivocally state that my satisfaction is ephemeral.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Splendid! Would you mind telling us a little bit about what it is you do?

SMART: Certainly Bob, I’m an important tax attorney for a prestigious New York City law firm. Seven days a week, at 5 A.M., I commute an hour and a half to a prestigious office tower where I ride a prestigious elevator to a prestigious floor where I’m greeted by prestigious receptionists as I make my way toward my prestigious office—which, incidentally, holds prestigious certificates and awards. Then, I sit down behind a prestigious desk and spend 16 hours researching prestigious issues, such as the apportionment of income to nonresident partners of multi-tiered member managed limited liability companies.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Riveting! I recall reading somewhere that at one point you had wanted to be an elementary school art teacher?

SMART: That’s correct Bob. I gave that up when my husband—who stays at home with our two small kids—threatened to leave me if I quit my very high paying job that is also very prestigious. But the pills help.

DAN: The pills?

SMART: Yes Bob; Wellbutrin for the depression and Focalin to help me maintain interest throughout the day. Once those pills kick in, I might as well be watching the Russian Ice Ballet from prestigious box seats—such is the illusion the pills create!

BOB SEQUIOUS: Impressive! Well thank you so much Ms. Intelligent. Mr. Dumb, can you tell us something about the work that you’re currently involved with?

DUMB: Sun on face wake up Dumb each morning. Dumb walk outside. Clear trail that go for miles in California national park. Walk many miles each day. See chipmunk, squirrel, deers. Feed animal sometime. Dumb eat food Dumb grow in Dumb garden. Dumb so tired at end of day, Dumb sleep sound in Dumb shack in national park where Dumb live.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Well, you certainly appear to be in excellent physical condition and that is a very nice tan. Exactly how old are you Mr. Dumb, around 28?

DUMB: Dumb not know how old is Dumb. Dumb born 1957. Make Dumb 28?

BOB SEQUIOUS: Well there you have it folks – the Smartest and the Stupidest Person in the entire world. But don’t feel sorry for Mr. Dumb folks; we can all rest easy knowing that our society is creating folks just like Ms. Intelligent more and more these days.

~Brought to you by Glaxo-Thrillcum: “If you’re prestigious, we’ve got your pill”~

NUMBSAIN'S EYEWITLESS NEWS FLINCH

FIRE FIGHTERS WHO FLED IN-FLIGHT FIRE FIGHT TO FIGHT FIRE ON FLIGHT, FIRED
—editorial by Dr Numbseuss

Two fire fighters caught in an in-flight fire fight
on flight five bound for Fiji were fired last night.
The two fled the bloodshed to fight fire instead
which flared up in mid air at five thirty, they said.

"It isn't so fair that they fired the pair."
Said Ms. Bear, Flight Commissioner Cheif of O'hare
To fight fire, not fire fight was the fire fighters right,
since they paid there air fare and were there fair and square.

Blair McLair and Clyde Kildare were quite unaware
that a fire fight would have flared up way up there.
And because they were scared they were quite unprepared.
And they felt that their skills were more needed elsewhere.

The two knew they were doomed if the fire consumed
the flight crew, so they did the right thing, they assumed.
The two fire fighters did what they knew they had to do.
I would do the same thing if I was in their shoe.

The man who began the fire fight had a plan
which had something to do with smuggling contraband:
First to skyjack the plane and then fly back to spain
bringing back a napsack jam packed with crack cocaine.

To fire fight with this man they should not be required.
That's why these two fire fighters should not have been fired.

************************************
THE EYEWITLESS NEWS TOP STORIES
************************************
DOUBLE HIT AND RUN
Two drivers simultaneously hit each other and ran.
Police investigating the case were quoted as saying:
"That's fine."

SUICIDE VICTIM CONFESSES TO CRIME, DIES
Police apprehended a man suspected of suicide. After a lengthy interrogation the suspect/victim finally confessed to the crime and then died. Police Chief Billy Klubb said: "We can't have people living in denial."

MINOR MISCONDUCT FOUND IN MAJOR INVESTIGATION
An investigation revealed that an army Major committed acts of misconduct with a minor. Investigators said it was nothing that major... (wouldn't have done to any minor)

POLICE QUESTION MAN KILLED BY SUSPECT
A "question man" for the police was killed after asking a suspect too many questions. "This is the third question man we've lost which raises some serious questions that no one is willing to ask". But the question mans questionable questioning tactics are unquestionably brought into question. Reporters had no further questions.

HIT AND RUN VICTIM ADMITS TO HIT AND RUN
A hit and run victim who came forth as the prime suspect in the case
pled guilty to committing the hit and run himself. "It suddenly hit me that I had to stop running".

WEATHER FORECAST
Partly mostly with a chance of maybe clearing throughout.
Possible chance of a fairly good likelihood conditions may continue indefinitely depending on variables.
No signs of any indications at present but meteorologists are still expecting to stay on alert for the unlikely eventuality that there may be no cause for concern.

SPORTS
Men in brightly colored costumes banged into each other and some fell down. Someone probably won, certainly everyone involved was paid way too much money. Injuries may have occured at some point to someone but that's to be expected when there's this much money involved.

HONEST ASTROLOGY
Mercury went retrograde so don't try to do anything at all.
The moon went void of course, it always does.
Mars saw venus rising in Uranus and that wasn't pretty.
Anyone who is a Libra can kiss their sorry ass goodbye.
It's not looking too good for Gemini and Pisces either, lot of suffering and hardship there.
Tauruses can relax for a minute but all the other signs are pretty much screwed.

This Eyewitless News Flinch has been presented by Numbsain.
Sponsored by Numbsain Inc. "Smart people doing dumb things to make dumb people feel smart!"
and by Atchoo Inc. "Atchoo... Bless you!"
and by GEZUNTIGHT LTD. "The Tightest Gezuns are made by Gezuntight"
and by Oops I Farted! "What's that smell?—Oops I Farted!"
and by the Law Offices of Chewen, Chewen, Chewen & Gulp "Aaah-torneys at Law"

Happy Thanksgiving from Goldminds Unwind!

by Guinness

Yes, that time once again, the rafter of turkeys I am loathe to call relatives will be on the wing to gobble up what mother has prepared. Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow, nor hail, not even a howling, blinding, gizzard will keep them away. They’ll carve themselves a spot at the table, and, over a cacophony of “peas pass the gravy,” “you breast be thankful!” and “gitcher hand off my thigh,” shall proceed to stuff themselves. On the spur of the moment, carUncle Tom will raise his glass to roast the family, while obese Aunt Hen-ny will wattle off to the toilet for the fifth time.

After dinner, the family will gather to raise the coop with music, daddy, a percussionist sage, will keep thyme and mince the meat out of his snare with golden drumsticks, while Sis Gibby shakes her breasts, bobs her neck and wiggles her pointed, fat tail. Baby Huey naively squeals, “dewlap dance, dewlap dance!” Cousin Feastus, drunk and teetering, will point at mother, and start in with his John Wayne impression… “I haven’t lost my temper in forty years, but Pilgrim, you could’ve gotten somebody killed today…WITH THAT COOKIN’! GUFFAW!”. I’ll become a bit of a snood, and pull Sis out of the room, sighing “Gib, let’s get real, remember what day it is… and tomorrow!” Daddy’s Labrador, named Black Friday, will jump on the kitchen counter and wish “bones” while carUncle Tom will again weave through the maize of furniture to the ash tray. Slurred speech will ensue, “No, vember that one time… Thursday was a settler downer-er… she’d mash and whip my tater’s…”

Point is, whether you be clad in dark meat or white meat, I hope you’ll be stuffing yourselves this Thanksgiving, as you count your dressings! Even if Bruce announces he’s gay and Betty announces she’s pregnant! By carUncle Tom.

The First Round of Dear Santa Letters

by Cheddar, numbsain

Well, here we are again. November. The North pole mail bags are filling with greedy requests for everything from toy bazookas to new puppies to cartons of cigarettes to Jennifer Anniston's panties. Having been asked by the postal service to assist them in writing some responses, we here at Goldmind's Unwind have been busy working overtime to make sure every child gets a personally crafted, loving response to their pointless letters. Some we are so proud of, in fact, that we thought we'd post them for you the reader to admire. Fawn over. Hell, marry the answers if you like. And away we go.....

Dear Santa,
I really want a hamster this year. I've been good and lissened to mommy and daddy like I should, so pleese bring me a hamster! Pleese!
Cody

Dear "Cody"-
Look. Santa knows everything, remember? I know this is really Richard Gere, and you're not getting a hamster, gerbil, titmouse, prarie dog, or chinchilla! After what you did to the last one...well, you really ought to be ashamed of yourself! Besides, I'm saving you from yourself. If you keep doing that kind of thing you'll need to start packing diapers.
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa-
Mommy says that I should get a lump of coal this year! What am I supposed to do with that? I don't want a lump of coal!
Joey

Dear Joey-
A lump of coal is better than the lump of crack your mom buys herself every year. As far as what to do with it? Ask Richard Gere.
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa-
What I want more than anything in the world is just to be an elf for a day. I would skip getting toys for years if I could just spend one whole day in the North Pole making toys and playing with the raindeers.
Your friend
Cassie

Dear Cassie-
You're a dear heart. Truly. And Santa doesn't know how to tell you this, but with the recent cost of gas prices, manufacturing materials, and union labor, Santa has to outsource his workshops to India. That means if you spent one whole day in the North Pole, it would be quiet, cold, and desolate. On the bright side, you're still getting something for nothing, so enjoy!
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa-
I jes wanded you to noe that Timmy Baker is a jerk! He hits me efry day and makes fun of me! Don't bring him nuthing this year!
Todd

Dear Todd-
Wow. Timmy pretty much must have beat you retarded, the way you spelled out that letter! And as Santa always says, "that is not nice." Don't you worry. When Santa comes down Timmy's chimney this year, he's gonna bring a sock full of pennies and give Timmy the beating of a lifetime. Then you can make fun of him.
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa-
I know you hear this alot, but I really want a baby sister for christmas. It gets really lonely here sometimes with only mommy and her girlfriend to talk to. They're both adults and I don't understand them at all.
Erica-
P.S.
What's lesspian mean?

Dear Erica-
Errr.....Umm....It means Santa can't bring you a baby sister. How about a talking teddy bear? Or a chatty Kathy doll? Something plastic you can talk to and pretend its your baby sister. By the way, Santa has a favor for you. Santa is having trouble "checking up" on your mommy. If I send you this camera, can you put it in mommy's bedroom in a place she won't see it? Thanks dear.
Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't want any presents this year. I want no tree and no tinsle. I don't want my stocking stuffed with goodies either. I just want an end to hunger and suffering. Also love and harmony.
Dave

Dear Dave,
I'm sending you some cans of tuna fish and heroin. For the second part of your request, I can send you Alvin and the Chipmunks, but as far as loving them, Richard Gere can help you with that.
Santa
P.S. "Ready Dave?"

Dear Santa,
I'm too old for this kind of thing but I thought I'd ask anyway. I want a 40 gig Ipod Mini, a Blackberry Pearl and a 8 megapixel SLR Digital Camera.
Thanks, Luke

Dear Luke,
Enclosed please find a job application for McDonalds.
Luke, I'm not your father.
Santa

Dear Santa Claus
I'm an 80 year old woman and I have two requests:
1. I want to rock your world Santa!
2. I would like the freedom to go anywhere in the world anytime I want to!
Hilda

Dear Hilda,
Request number 1. No.
Request number 2. I'm sending you a package of Depends Undergarments® in a travel tote bag.
Santa

Dear Mr. Claus,
I am an investigator for the IRS and our records show that you've been operating your little toy cartel completely under our radar which is of course illegal. Bottom line is, you owe $427,592,002,628,829.76 in back taxes. Please remit payment to
Internal Revenue Service
Sacramento CA. Thank you.

Dear Sirs,
I suppose you believe in the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, and the Boogie Man! Grow up! There's no such thing as Santa Claus! I think your parents were trying to fudge the books when they told you Santa bought all that stuff.
Sincerely, Sanford Claussien

Dear Santa,
I'm a 22 year old, extremely attractive single female. I've got a killer body but the only problem is my tatas, they're just a little too small! : ( Do you think maybe you could bring me a set of implants. I would be very appreciative! ; )
Love, Brianna

Dear Brianna,
I can only bring gifts that are appropriate and I will need to make a determination as to the importance of your need for implants. Many young women feel they need implants when they actually have perfectly adequate breasts. Let me check my appointment book... It looks like I'm pretty tied up until the 24th of December but I think I can squeeze you in say, in 1 hour?
I'll take a look at the situation and see if you really need implants or not. By the way, I'll need to take a few photos as well just so you know. See you real soon Brianna, (Ho Ho Ho Boy!)

This is just a sampling of the good work we've done so far! As more letters come in, we may just revisit this topic! Thank you America!

-The Staff at Goldmind's unwind

by numbsain

Lady Shady Hosts a Seance

by Goldmind

[Lady Shady is conducting a seance and is attempting to call upon a spirit]

I feel a presence... The spirit is here... Spirit, are you here?

(the spirit answers) "I am here."

In this room?

"In this room."

Near the table?

"Near the table."

Echo?...

"Huh?"

Nevermind....Oh, spirit, what is thy name?

"Bob"

Bob?

"That's what I said."

Do you have a last name oh Bob?

"No - my mom didn't think me worthy - Of COURSE I have a last name. Doesn't everyone?"

What is your last name?

"What difference does it make? Why do you need it?"

It's okay if you don't want to disclose your last name.

"I have no problem telling you my last name. It's Smith."

Where are you oh Bob Smith?

"Bob's fine, and I already told you, I'm right next to you, sitting down on a couch, watching a football game."

Can you tell us whe...did you just say you were watching a football game?

"Yeah. It's almost the 4th quarter; maybe we could pick things up a bit."

You can watch TV?

"Of course I can watch TV. It's a free country ain't it? There's no law against it."

Spirit Bob, where are you from?

"Oh fleshy human, I'm from Georgia."

Are you in Georgia now?

"Are you a retard? I told you I was in the room with you all. Are YOU in Georgia? No. We're all in California, right?"

Why are you in California?

"Why are you in California? I always thought the land was overpriced."

Well... how is it that you came to be here?

"How the hell should I know? I'm not a rocket scientist."

Can you tell us about the future Bob?

"If I could tell you about the future, you think I'd be watching this game? Maybe you shoulda called Nostradumass."

We...we wish to understand something about you...who you are...or who you were.

"I WAS Bob Smith. I AM Bob Smith, still. I like football, especially the dawgs. They have a great freshman running back this year. And they have this quarterba... hey, hold up a sec...that's my other line. Hey...I gotta take this. Are we done?"

We thank you oh wise spirit Bob Smith. And we bid thee peace on thy journey towards union with the All-That-Is and we therefore close this circle of white light and divine inspiration with the banishing of the lesser pentagram.

"Okey dokey then... whatever you sa-TOUCHDOWN!!!"

12 Worst American College Mascots

assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness, & numbsain
("Wiscy," pictured to the right, did not make our list this year)

12. The baboon redbutts

11. The sissy puffs

10. The roids

9. The nads (Go Nads!)

8. The excitable toddlers

7. The convalescing old farts

6. The camel's toes
5. The women scorned
4. The snotty tissues
3. The fighting starfish

2. 10 slow white guys and a black running back who's fast

1. The Mullets

From the Patent Office: The Graveyard of Discarded Inventions

By Cheddar

1. Vend-a-goat The exotic choice for the slaving office Joe with an adventurous palette, Vend-a-goat provided a wholesome, nutritious hit of chewy protein. Although the prototype was a smash success in test markets, the vending machine was shelved after it repeatedly malfunctioned when users attempted to shake goats loose from the coil tension springs. After its failure, creator Ben Dover moved in Birmingham Alabama where he later became a successful lawn jockey.



2. Charmin 600 ply For the giga pooper in every family, Charmin developed this industrial device in the 1960s . Its 600 feather-ply ultra soft feel was often compared to the sensation of wiping one's behind with the silk of paradise. The product was shelved out of respect to Mr. Whipple, who suffered a massive coronary while attempting to squeeze the fluff pack and simultaneously asphyxiate himself with scented baby wipes to heighten the pleasurable effect.



3. The Noodle Fan - Artfully designed to attach to any chopstick, Ho Ree Shet invented the device to solve the ancient and vexing Chinese "hot noodle" dilemma. Each fan contained a long-lasting battery calibrated to provide a continuous breeze capable of cooling six billion noodles. However, while attempting to shepherd a bevy of noodles to expectant, gaping mouths, 60% of focus group participants were disappointed to find their own severed finger, lip, tongue, or nostril in the bowl, and the noodle fan was relegated to obscurity.



4. The Cowasaki Ninja - Invented in, you guessed it, Texas, the Cowasaki Ninja was a visual nose-thumbing at Orange County Choppers. Even the advertising slogan developed for the bike—"Chop this!"— was an aggressive affront to the Orange County Chopper fan base. The machine failed when internet commentator and critic Jugz3572 labeled it "gay" on his daily blog. Saddled with the debilitating moniker, the Cowasaki faded into obscurity.



5. "Asswipes for Assholes" - New York City retailer, Products For Dirty Fannies Inc.'s frankly named offering was doomed upon release. Initially designed for the Middle East as a quick way to clean up after diuretic donkeys, the product struck out following a hard-edged ad campaign in English - a language few members of its intended Arabic audience understood: "Did your Donkey Defecate? Asswipes for Assholes!!" Only one package ever made it onto a shelf.



Know of any other failed products? Have good accompanying pictures? Email them to blogdump@fuse.net !

Today's Spotlight on Addiction: The Scooby Doo Cartoon Problem

by Goldmind

Addiction. Is it a problem? Yes. For many, that addiction is narcotics; for others, gambling, sex, and Robitussin. Fortunately, assistance is available. Charitable organizations, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, continue to help struggling addicts tussle with inner demons through such radical techniques as the use of support groups.

There is, however, a debilitating addiction being swept under the green shag carpet. An addiction that has become so menacing, so terrifyingly alarming, it warrants two minutes of thoughtless reflection.

The following is an anonymous transcript secretly scribed at an underground meeting of an organization that is courageously opposing this addiction known throughout the televised world simply as…the cartoon “Scooby Doo.”

Hi, my name is John.

[collective reply from folks in room]:
“Hi John!”

This is my first time here…And, I, you know, I came to talk about…what it was like… My Scooby Doo problem.

I started watching Scooby Doo around 10 years ago. It was the good Scooby Doo…you know, the one that began with the bats flying out of the old mansion. Those damned bats! ... “Squeak squeak squeak squeak!” I can still hear the feint echo of their fleshy wings today…fluttering…fluttering.... I loved them. And each day, I would come home and sit down on my couch, eat cocoa puffs…and watch. Sometimes I’d sing along if it was a season two rerun. You remember the songs: “Seven days a week now! ….Seven days a week!” Its seductive beauty called to me like animated Sirens.

Unfortunately, I listened to that Siren song. I…I began to dress like them. An ascot, a lime-green t-shirt… an orange skirt… Each day, the same outfit. Then, slowly, I began to talk different. At first, it was subtle…an occasional “zoiks” if surprised, a judicious “jinkies” to express alarm, sometimes I even accentuated the punch lines of a bawdy joke with a well-timed “Jeepers!” But then it was entire sentences and, before long, I was forcing friends to listen to 30-minute soliloquies of dialogue from classic episodes like “Whose Afraid of the Big Bad Werewolf?”



It began to affect my relationships. I stopped hanging around airport bathrooms and took to running with a group of aimless teens. We bought a van; scrawled “mystery” on the side with a permanent marker, and frequented desolate roads and abandoned rock quarries. And there were the parties. Sometimes I arrived as a mummy pretending to search for an ancient, precious medallion; other times, as an angry Miner-49er, aggressively protecting a stash of buried gold. We would alternate chasing each other down long hallways…growling…swiping…stopping only when our victim, having carelessly dropped a pair of eye glasses, failed to realize we were a monster.



I bottomed out. My grandmother had had enough and… left me. Why? In a word - Daphne. Ahhhh, Daphne; I couldn’t get Daphne out of my head. I used to imagine us splitting up from the others, searching through hidden corridors, opening creaky doors and cupboards. I could no longer focus on my work as a royal food tester or on my wives and seventeen children. All I could see was Daphne’s swishing purple clad bottom and pink nylons. Daphne…Daphne... I became morbidly obese; the 35-layer hero sandwiches and 3 tons of Scooby snacks I consumed each night only seemed to exacerbate the problem. Then I

[Suddenly, a shout from someone in the back of room interrupts the speech]
“Hey…I don’t know WHO this guy is everyone, but I do know one thing, HE AIN’T JOHN. I KNOW a John!

[Stunned silence…then suddenly someone shouts “Get Him!” This is followed by complete chaos and shouting then the overhead lights go out but just as quickly come back on. A Sheriff suddenly appears in the room and speaks]:
“This man isn’t John?”

[Someone in the audience, while tightly gripping the man who may not actually be John, replies]:
“No. You see, that’s what they WANT you to think.”

[this person then rips of a mask that had been covering John’s face. Crowd loudly gasps and collectively shouts]:
It’s Mr. Wopples! The Chair of Scooby Doo Anonymous!!!

[Mr. Wopples sneers, then begins to speak in a menacing tone]:
“That’s right you dodo heads, it’s ME, Mr. Wopples!! I always hated you. ALL OF YA! It’s high time we stopped this nonsense…got back to the way things used to be. Hmmmph. And you know what else? I’d have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

[The Sheriff smiles, then, while whisking the villain away says with a smile]:
“You kids did a fine job! Milkshakes on me!”



[One of the apprehenders named Fred shouts]
“Hey, everybody. Let’s head to the malt shop!!! [Cheers follow]

[Just then, a woman from the back of the room suddenly shouts]
“Wait…he’s still here!! The imposter…he must have gotten away from the Sheriff!!!”

[Panic abruptly ensues. Then a man named Shaggy tepidly approaches the villain and rips off yet another mask]
Hey, it’s my dog!!

Scooby Dooby Dooooooooooooo!!!!!!

[collective laughter] Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!!

[Cue bats flying out of mansion…squeak…squeak…squeak…squeak!]

Scooby Dooby Doo

Where are you?

We’ve got some work to do now...

Goldminds Unwind Proposes New Holidays

by numbsain, Goldmind

Chew and Show—February 22nd

Brightly colored foods are eaten all day long and everyone chews with their mouth open. When you see a friend or walk into a room, it is customary to have your mouth full and burst in saying: “Bleaaaaaah!” and show everyone the contents of your mouth.

Disheveled Friday—the last Friday in November
Everybody wears the rattiest clothes and generally looks like sh!t. Women wear no make-up and don’t bathe and children are encouraged to spill food on themselves.
Men behave like normal.

Umbilical Day. Celebrated nine months prior to your birthday.

Everyone has to tie a rope from their belt to their mom’s waist, hide under a bed sheet, then walk around the mall tied together while publicly reciting the ways the two of you are just alike. At the end of the day you exchange presents neither likes.

Trade Roles Day—October 8th
Children drive, drink, smoke and work. Adults go to school and have to do everything the angry drunken nauseous children tell them to as they speed by at 100 miles per hour. Men dress like women and women are insensitive to men’s feelings.

Funny Voice Day—April 3rd
Everyone talks with the funniest voice they can make. Helium balloons are handed out and Kazoos are used by children who don’t understand the concept.

Tornado Day. Date, time, and place change each year without warning.

Everyone sits under a sturdy table or transom and takes turns exchanging facts and trivia about Oklahoma. “Okmulgee Oklahoma owns the world record for biggest ice cream and cookie party.” First person to three wins.

Direct Day. Six months after April Fools.

A whole day where you’re forced to tell friends/spouse how you really feel. Hallmark idea: Front of card: “Would it kill ya to lift a finger around here?” Inside: “No, not THAT finger.”

Karl Marx Day. Each May 5 (his birthday). Everyone dons 19th century garb, wears a false furry mustache/beard, feigns a German accent, and pontificates on arcane theories like commodity fetishism or Hegelian dialecticism. No presents are exchanged. In fact, no one owns anything.

Propinquity & Perspicacity Day — July 27th
The effete intellectual snobs’ holiday in which those with high IQ’s flaunt their intellect and use overly verbose language to belittle and demean stupid people. The brainiacs all gather in the town square and expound on complex scientific subjects and describe inconceivable concepts and theories in the most pedantic manner possible, while ignoramuses all listen patiently trying to glean some semblance of meaning; all the while they are poised and ready holding cream pies behind their backs. At the stroke of midnight, all the smarty-pantses stop talking and the morons jump up and stuff the pies into their faces gleefully shouting things like “Nyah-nyah-na-nyah-nyah!” and “you think yer so smart, well yer not!” and the intellectuals all stand there looking stupid with pie on their faces. For it is now Dopey Dumbells Day, a holiday in which brainless simpletons reign supreme. No one is looked down upon for behaving like an idiot and it’s okay to drool and say “Duh...Ah-o-know.”

Bug Touching Day —September 1st
This not-so-fun holiday is designed to help people overcome their squeamishness about bugs by requiring that everyone familiarize themselves with the object of their fear in an up-close and personal way. Crickets are caressed, Maggots massaged and big fat cockroaches felt up. Even big hairy spiders are kissed by the braver observers of this national holiday invented by nature conservationists in an attempt to disabuse the population of the notion that bugs are creepy. Unfortunately the equal rights act allowed sissies to counter with their own holiday, Bug Stamping Solstice — July 28th.

Sarcastic Weekend—1st weekend in March
Self explanatory. Conversations required that sound something like:
“How are you?”
“Yeah right, you care.”
“Oh that so bothers you.”
“Bother schmother.”
“Oh that was hilarious.”
“Not like you, you’re so much funnier than me.”
“Funnier schmunnier.”
“I’m so impressed!”
“Oh, thank you so impressive of you to notice!”
“Well your brilliance just rubs off on me.”
“Brilliance schmilliance.”
“Oh my god, I can’t believe how clever that was!”
and so on.

Editor's note: About 40% of this post was taken from just about the first post ever posted on Goldmind's Unwind. That won't happen again; it happened now only because no one read that post or, if they did, are just being polite.