SAFE, SECURE & STUPID!

As we wander mindlessly through our daily lives, oblivious to the mortal perils that wait eagerly to befall us, we are often reminded how important our petty little concerns are. And nothing tells us we are the center of the universe more than personal security passwords. Special codes to keep hostile forces from stealing our precious intellectual property and prevent our invaluable personal data from falling into the wrong hands.

My advances toward my girlfriend were rejected last night because my user name and password didn't match. I was redeemed when we realized I had "remember me" clicked and it had been unclicked by an alternate user. But I still had to wait for an email with my new password before I could access her “inbox” if you know what I mean.

My laptop makes me verify my identity before it will give me administrative privileges. I guess that's so when underprivileged children break into my house to steal my emails they'll have to settle for the price of a laptop on the black market. At least they didn't abscond with my notification of a certified bank draft from Mrs. Julian Roy who hopes her email finds me in perfect health. And quite frankly if someone goes to all the trouble to steal my car radio, I want them to be able to use it rather than have it create more non-biodegradable waste.

Security passwords on PCs are as ludicrous as a terrorist president warning us about the threat of terrorism, but some things just go too far.

I was on the freeway the other day and I get a call. The phone is at the bottom of my pocket, under my cash, my cigarettes, my nicorette gum, a bogus citation for indecent exposure, of all things... and my underwear. By the time I get the damn thing out, it's gone to voicemail. So I open the phone, press star 86 and hold it to my ear. meanwhile I've inadvertantly changed two lanes and made a little clearing in traffic which is nice because the flashing highbeams and fingers are just out of my viewing range. But before I can hear the message, that voice comes on:

"Welcome to the Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System! Please wait while we access your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System Messages Thank you for accessing your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System! Did you know that you can pay your bill directly from your cellphone at anytime?; 1:00 am, 2:00 am, 3:00 am..."

At this point I had fallen asleep but I was awakened by honking just as she was saying: ..."even at 12:00 pm! That's the speed and convenience of using the Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System. Please enter your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System security password to access your Verizon Wireless Voice Mail System Security protected messages, safe from theft, tampering or terrorists, now! BEEEP!"

I sit there for a few seconds wondering how the terrorists get my phone out of my pocket so easily? I pry the phone off my ear to look at the keypad which has long since gone dark. As my eyes are trying to adjust I take a guess at where the numbers are and start poking away, put it back up to my ear and hear:

"You've pressed an incorrect key, I'm sorry your having trouble, Please hang up and try your call again later when you can take the time to properly access your instant message retrieval system by pressing the correct key, not the one you pressed which was incorrect. goodbye!"

I'm so pissed, I'm thinking: this isn't the right freeway, I was heading south! Then she says "Are you still there?" Okay now I'm beside myself. I'm just about to give her a piece of my mind when she says: "Are you sure you're all there?"...

NO! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM, THANKS TO YOU! AM I STILL THERE?!" BETTER QUESTION IS: WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE??!! THIS IS MY PHONE, BITCH!!!

NEW UPSKIRTS IN SCIENCE

New findings in the field of smegmology indicate that the Earths scrotusphere may be far more brisciduous than previously thought. A recent study of the entire plasteospasm has shed new light on the inner workings of the Aroma Flatulatus and its importance in the blaphic sprog as a whole.

Crimpignologists are now able to track the rate of brubilia flow into the bleepy scrotchiosum by carefully grimacing frillicamps along the torpidactyl belch, thus yielding a more jelupulous look into the willikilts of the three major scrotuspheres, including ours. These buxominuous findings may give us a better insight into why our jujubes are getting smaller each year. It is possible that by the next coming waynscottle-binch a major boamage in the bizinickers could occur.

Professor Belliboton Lintz had this to say:
"We're all a-twitter with excitement about these new developments and, it may be psychosomatic, but I already feel my jujubes getting bigger!"
Of course, Professor Lintz is a blithering spittle mucker but nonetheless the entire scientific community is flaring their nostrils in anticipation of these new schnoolies.

Infommercial Madness

Howdy. Ah'm Ernest Daleheart, world class NASCAR Driver. Rated the number one race car driver in America. And it's no wonder with a trio o' successive Indy Five hunnerts, a duece a Daytonas and starrin' in one o' the most spectacular highlights ever filmed, Yeah, you know the one. It still amazes me I survived it. But I ain't got the name Ernest Dalehardt bein' flammable.

But today, I'm here ta tell you about another kind o' cookin'. Slow cookin' Now ah know what yer thinking. But this slow cookin' dun' happen in the bedroom, though ah am a legend between the sheets. But I digest.

Now there's two things in this world that I ain't love nuthin' more than; NASCAR... and slow cookin'. That's why ah'm just all revved up about about the Official Ernest Dalehardt NASCAR Slow Cooker®. Ain't she a thing o beauty? An' just look what's inside... Oh Lordy! That's smells heavenly. See now that's what ahm talkin' 'bout. A whole mess a home-made chili stewin' in its own juices. Nuff ta make a grown man cry like a little bitty baby. Mary Jesus that's some good eatin'. And just look at all them beautiful pictures of me, Earnest Dalehardt, NASCAR champion.



Now ah know what yer thinkin', "How could ah, that'd be you, a couch potato from Pitchfork Wyoming, afford a thing of such elegance and quality?" Easy! But before I tell ya HOW easy, take a gander at these little show stoppers:



If ya order now, I'll throw in the Official Ernest Dalehardt NASCAR His & Hers Matchin' Thong & Boxers. Everybody knows how the ladies love wearing big ol' baggie boxer shorts to bed and nothin' turns 'em on more than seein' their man's manhood nestled tightly in a pair o' bikini skivvies. Course, these're made extra roomy in front and if you're like me, ya need it. So now you can spend those romantic hot summer nights, slow cookin' the NASCAR way; in sexy underwear.

Now ah know yer thinkin' all this has gotta be way too expensive for a derrier farmer from Bumfolk Illinois like me, that'd be you. Well Guess what? You get all this for just three easy payments of $13.95 each. Now there's a limited stock so the first twenty five callers git 'em. And while we're waiting for the calls to come in, ahm gonna give y'all a special treat. Ah'm gonna do the Earnest Dalehardt booty dance in the Official NASCAR thong until they're sold out so take yer time ordering and you'll get to see more of me. Operators are standin' by. Ready ladies? ...Huh?

...What'sat? ...They're all sold out? ...Ah didn't even git mah jumpsuit off! Why'd they buy 'em so fast, now I can't show off mah stuff in front of the camera. ...Say why's the cameraman leavin' with all the merchandise? ...He bought it!? All of it?!...Well ah'll be damned!


this infommercial has-been has been brought to by numbsain-vision.

State of the Blog Site Address

By Cheese

My fellow Bloggers. In the spirit of American politics, I stand before you today to address the state of this blog site and it's current writers. (who, incidentally, should be applauded for NOT being on strike) There has been a firestorm of controversy that has, shall we say, molested "Goldmind's Unwind" in recent weeks and some issues need to be tackled once and for all. Let me just say in general, that the state of this blog site is severely warped. And it's prognosis is sickly at best. In other words, it's right where we want it to be! (pause for applause)

First and foremost, I want to clear up some hurtful gossip involving myself. (It's my blog entry so I'll use ego and put myself first thank you very much!) I have received your emails regarding my posts and I am inclined to make a few responses. Foambubble36, you and your hotmail account are on the forefront of my mind. While it's true that my grasp of the English language is tenuous at best, and while it's also true that I am a vulgar degenerate, there is no way you could possibly know all those things about my mother and several illicit members of the animal kingdom. The evidence to support your claims is circumstantial at best. MarkP at Hammertoe.net, all I can say is that my alcoholism is off limits! Do I write you emails referencing your chronic masturbation syndrome? Of course not! I have taste! Diseases are not funny! And lastly dad, I received your email too. And all I can say is same to you! What ever happened to family support? You've been a real tool since your secretary gave you syphilis, you know that?

But I digress. There are other things I need to get off my chest here today, and I cannot afford to interrupt myself. For instance, the photographs of Numbsain and I in various compromising positions that were leaked to babyoil.com. Now, ladies and gentleman, I am not a heartless man, but I AM an opportunist. With the very recent passing of Heath Ledger and the insider knowledge that Brokeback Mountain 2 was in it's beginning production stages, I encouraged Numbsain to pose in some risque photographs that were to be sent as a pictorial audition for the vacant movie role! That is all! I categorically deny receiving any enjoyment from those photographs and chalk up my euphoric expression to exceptionally good acting. I cannot, however, speak for Numbsain. Or his cute dimples.

But enough about me! There is other skulduggery taking place that needs to be addressed. The mysterious absence of the site's namesake has led to widespread speculation and rampant rumormongering by blog muckrakers everywhere. Shame on you! Goldmind has been located and is very safe where he is at. Your speculation that he changed his gender and became an Albright or that he is the male Jennifer Flowers of the current Clinton campaign was way off base and demeaning. And double shame on you cheeseisreallywritingthis.com! As if making outlandish claims somehow makes up for your lack of facts! Joined the cast of Riverdance indeed! Bah! All of you are lucky that Goldmind has a penchant for kleptomania and is indisposed for the next 5-8 years due to poor legal representation, I'll tell you that! There'd be hell to pay otherwise!

And even our poor Guinness failed to escape the gossip mill. The new Heidi Fliess? Are you kidding me? Guinness is a saint! A darling! She's so pure that she wore white before and after her Hustler photo shoot! None of you are fit to shine her knee high leather boot! To feel the lash of her cat o' nine tails!

Time to wind down. My blood pressure is now at it's boiling point. It has not escaped me that I have somewhat gotten away from the state of the actual blog site itself, but the firestorm of controversy simply had to be addressed.

As to the site itself, it is consistent. Economically it is as broke as ever with no plan in place to rectify that. Socially, we are inept, confused, isolationists who go home after another awkward day at work and torture whoever we have tied up in our cellar. Educationally, the site is lacking in anything but rudimentary cunning and poo poo jokes. In terms of foreign policy, the site is in English so it his highly discriminatory towards all foreigners. And on the controversial topic of immigration, we here at the site have vowed to outsource at least 30% of our jokes to illegal immigrants in an effort to thwart government attempts to stop the employment of illegals.

Por que el pollo cruzo el camino?

Para conseguir al otro lado.

So my fellow bloggers. As we look ahead on the coming year, Goldmind's Unwind hopes to continue providing you the same low brow, irresponsible, sick minded humor laced with vulgarity that we've always given. It is this level of perseverance that has inspired you to hate us so and slander our collective reputations at every given opportunity. And for this we sincerely thank you.

El Cheesemo.

CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS

Donald Trump

numbsain: Mr. Trump, first of all, congratulations on having so much money. How does it affect your happiness?

Donald Trump: What's that?

numbsain: Oh, nothing important. Let me ask you this, how did you like Goldmind's Unwind?

Donald Trump: How much revenue did it earn in the past fiscal year?

numbsain: None. We do it as a creative outlet for fun.

Donald Trump: Wait a minute. It doesn't earn any money?

numbsain: None.

Donald Trump: Ahah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! AHAH-HAH-HAH-HAH That's hilarious!
HO-HO-HO-HA-HAHAHA That's so absurd! HA-HA-HA That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of in my entire life! HAHAHAH HOHOHOHA HAHA aha haha... HAH HAH HAH...

numbsain: He thinks it's funny! Donald Trump thinks Goldmind's Unwind is hilarious! He can't stop laughing! That's great!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$



Sylvester Stallone

numbsain: It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Stallone. I'm a big fan of all your movies, especially the Terminator series...

Sly: That was the Governor.

numbsain: I haven't seen the Governor, is that a new one coming out?

Sly: No. The Governor of California was the Terminator, I was Rocky.

numbsain: Oh, I haven't seen that one. So what do you think of Goldmind's Unwind?

Sly: Oh, It was nice... Yeah I thought it was fine.

numbsain: Did you even read it? Did you think it was funny?

Sly: Oh yeah I read the whole thing.

numbsain: Really? All the archives and everything? there's a lot of stuff on there. Which part did you like the best?

Sly: Oh I liked the picture of Captain Kirk lookin' like a fag, and the guy eating the baby, that was funny.

numbsain: Um, what writing did you most enjoy?

Sly: Oh uh, all of it. It's really good writing.

numbsain: I see. Um, Sly would you read this for me please... out loud.

Sly: Oh, uh listen, I don't have time for this, I'm a very important person. I gotta go.

numbsain: Aha... That's the storage closet, Sly. The exit's the next door over, the one that says "EXIT".


abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuv
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O.J. Simpson

numbsain: So tell me Mr. Simpson, which was more difficult for you emotionally, the long drawn out trial in which you had to endure being accused of killing your own wife while you were still grieving over this terrible loss, or the actual killing of her?

O.J. Well, I'd have to say the trial because it took so long and it was really boring. The killing itself was easy because all I had to... oops!


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Britney Spears

numbsain: It's nice to...

Britney: Can I get a drink?

numbsain: Certainly, there you go.

Britney: Glug glug glug AAAAK! Ptoo! Ptoooy! What the hell is that?!

numbsain: Water.

Britney: Oh my GOD! That's disgusting! Don't fish, like, fuck in water?

numbsain: No this is special water made just for drinking.

Britney: Do you mind if I smoke a joint?

numbsain: Be my guest. So on your last video,...

Britney: How did you know about that? That was a stunt double they used for the sex scenes, I don't do that kind of...

numbsain: Hey Britney, it's okay. You can relax... WHOA! Not that much! Close your legs please. Could we get some Glade in here? Ah, thank you... (PSHSHSHSHSHT) Whew! That's better. Britney! No! Britney, Put down the can! No, I don't have a paper bag. Just smoke your joint and sit still. Now, were you upset when they took the boys away?

Britney: It was fine because we just shot the lesbian scenes then and they were kinda fun...

numbsain: I meant your children.

Britney: What are you talking about? They weren't even around for the shoot. Can I do a line right here on this coffee table?

numbsain: Whatever bloats your floats my dear.

Britney: Can you move your cup and those magazines?

numbsain: Okay, but why... JEEZUS that's a lot of cocaine! You- you're not gonna... HOLY MOTHER OF BLOW! ...Uh, Britney? ...BRITNEY?!

Britney: ...WHAZZA? WHAT SAID WHO?! I DIDN'T ORDER THAT! WHERE ARE WE?! WHO ARE YOU!?

numbsain: My name is...

Britney: You have a name!? DO ME RIGHT NOW!

numbsain: (gulp!) SECURITY!!!


\¡/ \¡/ \¡/ \¡/ \¡/ \¡/ \¡/ \¡/ \¡/ \¡/ \¡/ \¡/



John Cleese

numbsain: Thank you so much for being here Mr. Cleese. I have to say I'm a little skittish about talking to you because I'm desperately afraid you might steal my material.

John Cleese: Skittish? What a strange word to use right there in that sentence, hmm. Anyway, yes, I would think you would be a bit concerned that I might steal your material.

numbsain: Why do you say that?

John Cleese: Why did YOU say it?

numbsain: Because I thought it would be funny if I was worried that John Cleese would steal my meager plebeian material.

John Cleese: Plebeian? What an unusual word choice, hmm. Anyway, so you thought that would be funny, eh squire?

numbsain: (gulp) Well, I, er, uh, no, not really, I just thought...

John Cleese: Aha! you see that's the trouble right there; you thought.

numbsain: I didn't mean to, I just thought...

John Cleese: Aha! there you did it again!

numbsain: But I thought...

John Cleese: There! you just did it again you silly git. That's the problem with you American humorists, you think too much and thinking is not funny.

numbsain: I understand... I think.

John Cleese: No, no, no, you ridiculous twit, don't think.

numbsain: Not at all?

John Cleese: Not one bit.

numbsain: okay...

John Cleese: That's better.

numbsain: ...

John Cleese: Hello?

numbsain: ...

John Cleese: HELLO?

numbsain: ...

John Cleese: WAKE UP!

numbsain: ...

John Cleese: What is he thinking, nodding off in the middle of an interview. How thoughtless. Does he think he can get away with that? And to think I came all the way down here, I think I'll leave.

numbsain: ...

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Richard Gere

numbsain: Thanks for coming down Mr. Gere. Now you first became well known for...

Richard Gere: Yes, I know but that was a different time and a different place and I was searching to find myself and I tried the gerbil thing...

numbsain: I was going to say, you first became well known for your role in ‘Pretty Woman’ with Julia Roberts.

Richard Gere: Oh. That was way before the gerbil thing. Did people know me then?

numbsain: Well yes, you became a national sex symbol and...

Richard Gere: Then I did the gerbil thing...

numbsain: But let's talk a little bit about your acting career. Had you had many roles before that role?

Richard Gere: No, you're not supposed to eat too much before hand and I recommend an enema...

numbsain: No no no, I meant acting roles, Richard.

Richard Gere: Well, I was acting like it didn't hurt when I got to the hospital...

numbsain: DAMMIT MAN! CAN YOU GET OFF THE FREAKING GERBIL ALREADY?!!

Richard Gere: Well I did, I don't think the gerbil got off on it. In fact he died.

numbsain: Oh my God! Just get the hell out of here!

Richard Gere: Don't you want to hear about the Guinea Pig?

numbsain: NO!


The interviews depicted here are fictitious, although they are attributed to actual people. The names have been left the same so as to defame the innocent.

So Much for the Next Generation...

Captain's Log: Stardate 4069.5.14. The ship has entered an unusual Nebula type thingy in a distant part of the galaxy. There's a very queer but absolutely gorgeous radiation field in this sector which is causing my entire crew to exhibit strange behavior but it's also casting a stunning teal green hue on the bridge which really brings out the color of my eyes. Side note: Sulu's been wearing his trousers a lot tighter and it's starting to be a distraction.

Kirk: Heading Mr. Sulu?

Sulu: Uh, I'm a little busy at the moment, why don't you have a seat right here, make yourself nice and comfy, and have a look see for yourself?

Kirk: Spock, If your not too, too busy, could you be a dear and have a little chit chat with Sulu? He's getting awfully testy with me and it hurts my feelings. Maybe use one of your mind mold thingies, hm?

Spock: Captain, I think you can handle this, be firm but logical and just use your words to tell him how you feel.

Kirk: Dammit, Spock don't question my orders.

Spock: Whatever, no need to get your panties all crinkled.

Kirk: Uhuru! I LOVE that look on you girlfriend, where did you buy your hair?

Uhuru: Uh, you mean who's my stylist?

Kirk: Oh, whatever, (bitch). Oh, Scotty, I just had my bikini wax and I don't want stubble. Do you think maybe we could go a little faster? Warp 45 or something?

Scotty: Captain I kinna werk oonder these conditions, Oh beggorah! I've brookin anoother nail! (sob) I'll be in the loo!

Kirk: Bones, do something. I'm feeling very ineffectual.

McCoy: Hey, welcome to my world Jimmy. I'm just an old country fag, not a life coach. Either ya got it, or ya don't.

Checkov: EEEEEEEEK! Oh, Captain look! it's those horrible Romulins, sir. They're coming out of the closet!

Kirk: You mean "uncloaking?"

Checkov: Whatever, they still scare me.

Kirk: All power to the shields.

Checkov: Ooh! He's penetrated our shields, sir!

Uhuru: I'm receiving visual, Captain.

Sulu: Oh my, He looks cute when he's mad!

Checkov: And that matching sash and shrug with the little tassels look fabulous!

Uhuru: Shall I patch a two way visual?

Kirk: Don't you dare! My make-up is a mess!

Romulin Commander: Kirk, don't make me boldly go where just about every man in the galaxy has gone before.

Kirk: Promises, promises commander. You think you've got what it takes?

Romulin Commander: Better question is: can you take what I've got?

Kirk: Only one way to find out: My quarters in five... I'll be waiting!

Romulin Commander: Bring your pointy eared friend and it's a deal.

Kirk: You heard the man Spock.

Spock: Oh the things I do for the Federation.

Kirk: Oh and Spock, slip into something more comfortable.

Spock: Yoohoo, Ensign Pierce?

Ensign Pierce: On the double, Sir!

The Next Morning...

Captain's log: Stardate 4069.5.15. Peace negotiations with the Romulins were exhausting but... fruitful. We've left the Nebula and things are getting back to normal...

Kirk: Just look at this bridge! It's a mess! Sulu, button your uniform! What happened to the slip covers I put on these chairs! Listen up people; I want this bridge looking a lot tidier but I also want it to have a certain warmth. Neat yet homey and rustic. Alrighty then, Helmsman, ahead warp factor... oh, whatever, something brisk!

And some things never change.

by numbsain

Modern Day Beat Poets

KINGS OF BEAT
by Tlan Spandex

Manta Ray Jack Kerouac-King spider willow

Weeping wallow sleeping swallow shallow hollow

Full of Bull of aard-VARK in the dark... HARK!

...what light from yonder water breaks...

Labor of love, lover of labia, maybe a baby a BOY!

Coffee breaks my heart aches and pains taking

Earth quaking RIKI LAKE-ING not to my liking

Rodney KING can't we all just get a LIFE

Liberty and the pursuit of helplessness

MARTIN Lawrence of Arabian Knights in Shining Steven KING
LUTHER saying sooth or John Wilkes Booth was so uncouth or
KING me, King and I, King Kong, Hong Kong, Thong Song
I'm alive, I'm ALIVE, CAN'T YOU TELL?

William Tell... me it's over... SURE!

by Tlan Spandex

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WAR: GOOD GOD Y'ALL
by Black Finger Goldberg

Buck the Fush ad-menstruation,

Bush bags Douche bombs bursting in the middle east infection

Is it al-Qaeda come out and play god over Gaza

presidential monkey money hungry WAR junkie

Condo Leasers Rice-a-roni-ous decisions

Cheney Cheney Bang Bang Nazi poiticians

Hey mister Taleban Tally me Bin Laden

My Baghdad's Beirut beer let 'em be in Lebanon

Chocolate karma nuke it with a chewy world trade center

Barack 'em sock 'em robots Hillary Rodham Bill are we not him?

Obama, Osama, Saddam-a, YO MOMMA!

Get 'em Iraqi—yo Arabian wudawegonna do

Hussein we Kuwait dese last days decide our fate.


—Black Finger Goldberg



.*°¨•¨°*..*°¨•¨°*..*°¨•¨°*..*°¨•¨°*..*°¨•¨°*..*°¨•¨°*..


Where's My Womb at?
by Cala lily Pierce


WOMAN of days... fire bird

hips a blaze... desire heard

lips to graze... on pasture eyes

homo gene eyes

vital man D... MILK!

of magic there IS no finer

I express my best no less divina

You are obsessed with my VAGINA!

My womb, my ovarian, fallopian TUBES

You will not tie, or his direct demise

never to fertilize my EGG!

So don't beg

The answer is no!

by Cala lily Pierce


(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)(•)

Performed live at the Numbsain Asylum

musicians:

Rev. Bluewater Haven.......Flute
Curacoa............................Bongos
Simian Childrens...............percussion
Frank Saultzman...............prepared piano

Dancers:

Regina Regyna
Castaway Fansong
Belinda Schmurken
Sciriocco Carmensuela

Lighting design by............Wa-doo

Then and Now. A Pictoral Comparison

It is a topic that's been visited many times on email and web page, but it never gets old. Truly seeing how far we've come (both in terms of progression and regression.....you decide which is which) in our respective life times. So here is our own version of then and now. The then is the decade of this author's birth, the 1970s. The now is whenever the hell I want it to be. So there. You're in my world now.


THEN:
Everyone remembers this classic, even if it is a bit vague in the pic. It's "Pong", the first video game ever designed for public consumption. It would provide easily 30 minutes of fun as you pounded on dad, shutting him out 8-0 while he mumbled about "new fangled gizmos" in frustrated consternation.


NOW:
Providing high quality graphics, animated combat, and seductively dancing elven women, the world of warcraft is home to over 10 million players world wide. It gives more than 12 hours of fun every day to the casual player who no longer sees his parents, friends, the dinner table, or the shower. Also provides economy boost to China and Korea as foreign "gold farmers" work round the clock to sell players currency that is licensed by "Blizzard." Sure it's theft. But it's fun!



Then:
Look at the sleek frame. The athletic build. The upholstered head. The 70s body was a work of art. Still subsisting for the most part on home cooked meals, marijuana, and hardcore disco nights, the 1970s tummy was taut, smooth, and perfect to snort a line off of. And the 70s ass wasn't bad either.








Now:
Hello fast food Era! Hello sitting in front of the TV watching American Idol every day era! Hello redhead on the right in the pink bathing suit....rooowwwrr...ahem! This is the modern day body. "Curvy". "Voluptuous." "Athletically challenged." "Obese." "Fatty fat fat." Could there be a correlation between this body and the above "World of Warcraft" insert? I don't know and I'm too busy photo shopping the bikinis off of these women to care.



Then:
Recreational entertainment? The lawn Jart. Come on, who could forget the family togetherness? The competition? The aiming for Uncle Frank when he was inebriated because he wouldn't remember anyway? Millions of Americans got hours of joy and not a few hospital bills from this family pass time.



Now:
Entertainment? Recreational teenage pregnancy. Come on! Leading the way for the erosion of common sense and morals in the country, the Spears family is an easy target of my withering sarcasm. But seriously. You have a tv show. Your sister is already a disaster. You're well on your way to your first million. Keep your legs closed!!!!! But to be fair, it's not just you. Say hello to planned parenthood, free clinics, and halls of shame all across America these days. It used to be the birth rate would would double 9 months after a power outage. Now it doubles 9 months after a Hannah Montana concert. Stop it kids! Go play World of Warcraft!




Then:
Ahhh 70s fashion. The bright colors, the bell bottoms, the afro, the mercedes medallion. Every Saturday night was like a rainbow as wave after wave caught that saturday night fever. Never in all of history were fashion trends so affected by alcohol, narcotics, and hideous taste.









Until Now.

The Wisdom of Swami Samatipants

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, for I don't want anyone to think we're together.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So that's the best time to steal your neighbor's newspaper.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet .

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes

9. If at first you don't succeed, hide the evidence that you tried.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and it will take all day before he can eat

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, you got a deal.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield .

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them .

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot .

16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together .

17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works .

18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. When nothing works, keep doing nothing.

compiled, transcribed and edited by numbsain

CALIFORNIA EMPLOYEE'S HANDBOOK

Customer Theft Aversion Procedure: Toy Store

You've spotted a 5 year old child stuffing his pockets with Sponge Bob Square Pants erasers valued at 59¢ per unit (manufacturers suggested retail price). His mother, supposedly unaware of the crime in progress struggles with a Rubiks Cube 3 aisles over. What do you do?

1. DO NOT approach the suspect directly! This could appear threatening and cause the suspect to throw down the merchandise and possibly damage it. Remember the safety of the store and it's merchandise come first.

2. DO NOT approach the parent as they will never admit that their child has committed a crime. Parents are usually defensive and Irate and any confrontation can lead to a law suit if not a physical altercation.

3. DO NOT make announcements over the PA such as: "Code 7 aisle 5." Most career criminals or professional shoplifters pick up on this type of thing immediately and it could cause them to panic.

4. Clear as many customers out of the store as possible. Then secure the perimeter by stationing an employee at both ends of the aisle, but out of view.

5. Make one attempt to guide the perpetrator to the proper action by staging the following conversation within earshot:

"Hey George did you inventory those Sponge Bob Erasers?"

"Sure did, Steve. I know exactly how many we have in stock. Have we sold any yet?"

"Nope, not a one. Well, you're not doing anything, why don't you go count them again."

"Sure Steve, I will in exactly 1 minute after I finish up here."

Now the suspect knows he has one minute to put back all the stolen merchandise but he may think he can run out of the store before you finish counting them.
So you add the following dialogue:

"Oh and George, they're doing some dangerous electrical work right outside the door so don't let any customers leave for the next five minutes."

"You got it Steve. That'll give me just enough time to count those erasers and then I'll let the folks out."

This procedure should solve the problem. If not, proceed to step 6.

6. The suspect has shown himself to be irrational and desperate. The stolen items would more than likely be fenced and resold on the black market or worse, to a competitor. At this point you must subdue and incapacitate the suspect. But first the mother/accomplice must be dealt with.

7. Approach her and tell her she's won a sweepstakes and in order to claim her prize, she must give an interview. Lure her into the back room with a stack of My-First-Wad® Play Money. Once this is done, use chloroform to render the accomplice unconscious. Now, quietly escort all customers out the door and seal all exits and entrances.

8. Employees must don Batman BatGas Masks® before proceeding. As four employees close in on the suspect, nerve gas is released into the ventilation system so that he should already be feeling woozy. As his coordination falters he may reach for his weapon and attempt to discharge it. Quickly bombard the now armed felon from all sides with Nerf® Darts and ensnare him in a webbing of Spiderman Silly String®.

9. As he becomes engulfed in the polymer-elastomeric product he will be both disoriented and immobilized enough to move in and separate him from the merchandise which should be handled with the utmost care to minimize damage.

10. Once the merchandise is safe, the felon can be destroyed with several rounds from a real grown-ups pistol equipped with a silencer fired at point blank range. The same should be done with the mother who is harmlessly unconscious in the back room. The bodies should be tightly wrapped and sealed in bubble-pack, boxed in cardboard shipping cartons and disposed of in the dumpster behind the store.

Congratulations! you've just successfully averted a theft in progress and saved your employer potentially tens of dollars. Keep this document posted on the premises at all times and require employees to review it regularly.

These theft aversion procedures have been approved by Governor Shwarzenegger and the Bush Administration in compliance with the California State Penal Code and the California State Law Enforcement Act.

by numbsain

A Tribute to our Wayward Leader

At left: Goldmind, founder of this site and daily inspiration, set out on an innocent trip to Disneyland about a month ago and has not been heard from since. It is feared by this writer that Goldmind's patented daisy duke ensemble may have led to his downfall in some "Blue Oyster Cult" bar on the left coast. Please come back to us Gold! There is no lead in our pencils
without you!

You're the Inspiration

(cue the music)

Goldmind....I wanted you tell you how I feel about you. I wanted you to know that my ideas are impotent without you.

So much of me is impotent without you.

And due to recent writer's block, I can only tell you how I feel in a song.

This is a ditty from "Chicago".

Goldmind....you're my Inspiration.

"You know this site was meant to be

A timeless blog to last forever

I need you here to edit me

Before I post pics of my member

You should know, the places my mind goes

while my hands are in my pants, on my knob

Where's my corn cob, baby

Got no meaning in my life

Got writer's constipation

Made references to my skin fife

and teenage fornication

Gold you gotta help me!

Before I do something crazy!

Like post compromising pics of me and a ewe!

And I know, yes I know that this a sad plea

Show's how deep my mind is in the gutter.

Now I know that I need help to keep clean

and not type words like "round ass covered in butter"

See there I go, dirty as a crack ho

twisted in the mind, blackened heart

muddied soul

The only meaning in my life

is drugs and masturbation

So without you here in my life

It's verbal menstruation

I gotta have you near me

Before I write about my pee pee

Come on save me Goldmind

Come on save me Goldmind

Yeah come on back to Numb and me

And we won't explore you anally

No one needs you more than we.....need......you"

(music still cued but fading)

Goldmind.....I hope you felt the passion in that song.

I hope you felt the need burning within me.

I hope you saw where my eroding thoughts are heading

Come back to us Gold.....

We love you....

Mother Goosed “Loose Caboose” Rhymes

[RATED R] DO NOT READ TO CHILDREN! If you are under 18, leave at once. These rhymes are immature humor intended for mature audiences and describe adult situations in a childish way that could be damaging to young impressionable minds. (They are okay for children under 3—4 month old as they just hear "blah blah blah" anyway and it's your soothing tone that they are responding to. At that age you could be reading Hustler and they wouldn't know the difference, but don't let them see the pictures because that's what happened to me.)


Jack Blatz

Jack Blatz could eat no cats,
His wife could eat no dong,
And frankly, between you and me,
Their marriage wont last long.


Peter Cheater

Peter, Peter lousy cheater,
Had a wife until he beat her.
She refused to pay his bail,
and so they kept his ass in jail.


Old Mother Wheeler

Old mother wheeler went to the dealer,
To score her old man a dime.
But to her despair, the po-lice were there,
And now they both have to do time.


Little Miss Muff

Little Miss Muff lay in the buff,
On her front porch all day.
Along came a masher, wanting to thrash ‘er,
Said Little Miss Muff; “No Way!”


Jack and Jill

Jack thought Jill was on the pill
and so, all night, he boffed her.
Jill was not and so they got
the one for the morning after.


Patty Faked

Patty Faked, Patty Faked or-gas-um.
Shaked and quaked with zeal and aplomb.
She sold it and sold it and shouted with glee,
And threw a hissy fit, but never fooled me.


Little Boy Blue

Little Boy Blue come blow your horn.
The sheep in the meadow look better than porn.
Where is that boy when he should be asleep,
he's out in the pasture tupping the sheep.

by numbsain

an afternoon with...

Rufus: Hey Ralf.

Ralf: Hey Rufus.

Rufus: Where's Barclay?

Ralf: Around.

Rufus: Around where?

Ralf: Around the corner.

Rufus: Bowser?

Ralf: Been here.

Rufus: Yeah?

Ralf: Smell this.

Rufus: Wow!

Ralf: Bowser!

Rufus: Yep.

Ralf: Bitches?

Rufus: Three.

Ralf: Which way?

Rufus: Both.

Ralf: Closest?

Rufus: Left.

Ralf: That's me!

Rufus: Pack?

Ralf: Sure.

Rufus: Now where ya goin'?

Ralf: Detour.

Rufus: Somethin' good?

Ralf: Smell this.

Rufus: Nice!

Ralf: Run?

Rufus: I'm down.

Ralf: Should be ri-i-i-ght... here!

Rufus: Good call, Ralf!

Ralf: Watch out for chicken bones.

Rufus: Why?

Ralf: Try poopin' 'em.

Rufus: Ouch! Gotcha.

Ralf: I'm done. You done?

Rufus: I'm done... back to the bitches?

Ralf: Yep. Should be ri-i-i-ght... here!

Rufus: Bingo!

Ralf: Hey baby, how you doin'?

Jasmine: Better now.

Ralf: Hey, you smell ready!

Jasmine: You smelled right.

Ralf: Yeah I usually do.

Jasmine: Your friend's a little shy?

Rufus: Ralf's top dog. I'll wait.

Jasmine: There's plenty of me to go aro—OOOH! You don't waste time, I like that.

Ralf: I know.

Jasmine: You guys strays?

Rufus: Yeah.

Jasmine: That's hot!

Ralf: Okay, I'm done.

Jasmine: Your turn Ruf— OH SHIT! It's my human!

Human: Jasmine! Blah blah blah? Blah blah.

Jasmine: BARK! BARK BARK! Sorry Rufus. Next time, okay?

Rufus: Yeah, I'm cool. Later.

Ralf: Yeah later babe. Thanks!

Jasmine: Anytime!

Ralf: Sorry you didn't get to hit that...

Rufus: No, no problem... Hey, I'm gonna poop right here, I'll catch up.

Ralf: I'll wait... I could pee on this anyway.

Rufus: ...Okay, I'm done.

Ralf: Hey, nice one Ruf'.

Rufus: Thanks Ralf.


by numbsain

GOLDMIND FOUND MISSING!!!

devoted staff member searching for Goldmind

Dear Readers, It is with great consternation that we, the writers of Goldmind's Unwind, disseminate this most shuddersome news. After an exhaustive and disorganized search we have regretfully found Goldmind to be missing. The last any of us heard, he was on his way to Disneyland which only now as we write this do we realize how suspicious that sounds. Nonetheless the mortifying fact remains that Goldmind, happy-go-lucky, bright, loved by all, understood by none, pillar of society and the type of guy that would risk his own life if there was even a small chance that he could save just one dollar, is nowhere to be found.

Be assured that this is not a publicity stunt intended to boost readership. Which is not to say that you, our devoted readers are not free to check in more often to see if the mystery of his dissapearance has been solved. And by all means tell your friends, neighbors and pets about this tragic occurrence as It can only serve to expedite the safe and timely return of Gartrude Qualthbrait Goldmind to his rightful owners.



You must understand that although we seem to be making light of this situation, it is in no way a joke and any levity you may detect is simply a feeble attempt by emotionally distraught comedy writers to cope with the overwhelming concern that we feel by disguising our grief behind a thin veil of joviality which is already wearing thin as the moisture is welling up in our trousers even as we write this.

If anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of Goldmind, please, even if you're right in the middle of sex, email us so that we may breathe a sigh of relief and rest assured in the knowledge that, after he's had time to sort out whatever personal issues are more important than our peace of mind, he will be returned safely and soundly to his cage where he will not be given the opportunity to escape and run amok again. Seriously though, Goldmind, if you are out there, if you can hear us; come home, we miss you. We even made your special cake you love so much, you know the one with the chocolate horseradish icing and fish sticks with rainbow sprinkles and pork rind streusel topping. And Madam Gorgonzola is here too, we rented her by the week but its getting expensive and she's scaring the children. ...sob... sniff... sniff... SNORRRFFF! Wow, that was a really big line...

Practicing Banal Sex; A message from your president

By George W. Bush

Ladies and gentleman, the only recreational activity out there that has been in existence since the dawn of time is fornification. That's right. I'm talking about biblical relations between members of oppositional or similar sexes. Now I know that typically discussions of this nature fall outside of the borders of presidential duties. But I wanted to talk to you because, as of late, some disturbing information has been crossing my desk here in the oval office. Which is really oblongated. But I guess the oblong office wouldn't sound very historic, would it? But I digress.

It seems there has been a trend amongst both heterosexual and homosexual couples to frequently engage in blatant overt banal sex. Now, my fellow Americans, this is not natural. Whether you believe fornification is for the purpose of procreation or just for the pleasure of whiling away a Saturday afternoon, you must agree that partaking in one another banally is not acceptable behavior. Nor is it sanitary.

The documents I've been reading report the use of such practices as a "missionary position" and "virginal inner course". This is disturbing to say the least, America. Despite what past presidential administrations have taught us, there are morals governing the act of recreational fornification. And I cannot stress to you enough the importance of abstaining from banal inner course.

We are involved in a war on terror. There is nothing that the enemy would love to see more than our moral collapse, and I need not remind you that we are already viewed dubiousiosly because of certain photos of prisoners being mistreated in our war camps. If the enemy knew that the issue of banal sex was eroding our morals like a cancer from within, they would strike at us while we are weak.

So, as your president, I must appeal to you America. Please cease the practice of banal sex. Go back to the traditional methods of fornification; man on top, woman lying docilely beneath. Or if you feel crazy, roll over. hehehe. But seriously, fornificating banally is immoral, unsanitary, and beneath the standards of America. And from what I understand, it can lead to a shortage of lubrication for those who really need it.

I'm asking for your help to make the last year of my presidency a banal free one. Let's take the inner course here and rise above the moral declines that are assailing us in every direction. Thank you.



(Editor's note: Since the submission of this publication by President Bush, it has been discovered that the documents crossing his desk were of a dubious nature. Left behind by previous president Clinton, these documents were entitled "Penthouse forum" and written by such pollsters and presidential aides as "Dick Ramrod" and "Kenna Lingus". The trends suggested by those documents are now a topic of debate. But we here at Goldmind's unwind continue to encourage an end to all banal sex. Try something kinky instead!)

Oyster Chat

Molly: Hey Shelly, you look blobby today.

Shelly: Oh shucks Moll' thanks. I've been extracting more calcium lately. You're looking rather wrinkled and slimy yourself. Are you still dating that mussel?

Molly: Nah. He and this scallop on Shoreline at High tide the knot. How about you Pearl?

Pearl: Well I let this guy into my shell and of coarse he let a grain of sand in...

Shelly: Oh how irritating!

Pearl: Oh tell me about it. He turned out to be shooter for the lob. I swear, no more lobsters.

Molly: So what did you do about the sand?

Pearl: What could I do, I covered it with nacre and made an irregular black, take a look.

Shelly: Well at least its irregular.

Pearl: Yeah, so after that I said: “bye bi-valve...”

Molly: Shh! Clam up Pearl. Here comes your mother.

Shelly: I can't believe that's the mother-of-pearl, look at all those colors?

Pearl: Every one in the rainbow. Yeesh!

Molly: So garish!

Shelly: Oh look girls here comes a human female! Ooh! she's skinny dipping!

Pearl: Oh how beautiful! Oh my, she's going to sit right down on top of me, I'm blessed!

Molly: Aaaaaah! Oh, it's magnificent!

Shelly: Oooooh! Such beautiful creatures! look at that!

Pearl: Oh the aroma is intoxicating! Right now girls, the world is my human!

Shelly: Do they all look like that?

Molly: Not at first but when they get older they really start to blossom.

Pearl: Oh. just look at those wrinkles and folds... just gorgeous.

Shelly: HEY! YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, GET OFFA ME!!!

Pearl: Oh listen Shelly, it's no use. Barnacles are just a part of life.

Molly: Yeah look at all mine.

Pearl: Oh they're not so bad, with the seaweed you hardly notice 'em.

Shelley: I suppose.

Molly: Oh, looks like low tide. G'night girls, don't wake up on the half shell next to a lemon wedge.

by numbsain

Editors note: This is in no way meant to demean, demoralize or make fun of oysters... Um... What am I talking about? Of course it's meant to make fun of those stupid little slimy bi-valve retards of the sea! They're disgusting and I would never eat one. They're raunchy, nasty, bottom feeders filled with poisons and parasites extracted from the disgusting ocean water. And they're NOTHING like women, who ever said that was a moron and aphrodisiac? Puh-leeese.

A Guide to Names [Part 2]

If you missed the first part of A Guide to Names, click on this link:
http://goldmindsunwind.blogspot.com/2008/01/guide-to-names.html
and find out what a guide to names is all about. Or not.

In this installment of a Guide to Names we'll cover 4 new categories of names:
• Futuristic Space Age Names
• Prehistoric (cave man style) Names
• Military, Government and Legal Title Names
• Exciting Names

Futuristic Space Age Names
These are names that you might call your son or daughter in the year 3000 when technology has allowed our species to boldly go where we probably have no business going but, you know man. And kids find them out-of-this-world too!

Zenoproteus
Cosmitron
Zinthar
Quadrax
Praxus
Orion
Nebula
Universa
Galaxia
Solaria
Andromeda
Astra
Plaeidesia
Atmosphera
Uranusia
Meteora
Comette
Spacestacey
Ozonella
Pluta
Cathodina
Quazara
Quarky
Vector

Prehistoric Names
These are names that a caveman might give his child. Raw and base sounding, they imply limited vocal sophistication with their gutteral earthy quality and every one knows kids love that kind of stuff.

Grock
Ooga
Munga
Kreegah
Mogo
Unk
Guhlug
Bork
Aboom
Ungala
Boogoo
Hock
Argo
Mumbo

Military, Government and Legal Title Names
Judge Reinhold & Marshall Mathers had the right idea but lets take it one step further. imagine the respect your child would get from his peers with a name like:

Sergeant
Corporal
Commander
Private
Officer
Councilman
Chairman
Ensign
Detective
Prosecutor
Yeoman
Prime Minister
Chief
Senator
[We advise against some of the more elaborate titles for names such as Assemblywoman or Secretary of the Treasury for obvious reasons: “Hey Ma, Ambassador to the North Korean Delegations Committee keeps hittin’ me!”]

Exciting Names
These names were inspired by Whoopee Goldberg. People are very self deprecating these days and need as much encouragement as they can get. We've included random last names to give you a sense of how they work as full appellations.

Hooray Ford
Go-Man Gomez
Here-Comes Johnson
Ooh-Look-Its Rappaport
Oboy Herschfield
Goodie Mathers
Yippee Greenberg
Hurray-For Grimes
Yummy Patterson
Oh-La-La Brookmeyer
Mm-mm-mm Jefferson
Whattaya-Knowitz Wojohowitz
Ooh-Wee Baylor
Wow Harper
Hot-Dam DeBuscherman
Uppan Adams
Addaboy Hughes
Well-If-It-Aint Pearlman
Holy-Cow Huleen

In the next installment of A Guide to Names we'll cover
Native American Style Names, Medical Terminology Names and many others!

by numbsain

Political Parody- Song 2

Goldmind's Unwind on Tour

(pictured below)

Recently, the writers at Goldmind's unwind had been asked by numerous readers and publicists to go on tour with our "act". Song Parodies, top ten lists, news flinches, holiday anecdotes, and secret pictures of Hillary Clinton nude sunbathing have headlined our tour to date. We were even able to stop for some tour photos, like the one above. Before you even ask, I'm the cute one. But I digress. In honor of the Goldmind Unwind American Tour, I, the cheese, wanted to share with you a previously unreleased hit in honor of Campaign '08.

"I Will Survive" (the voter's song)

(The democrat sings)

At first I was amazed,
I was mystified.
Kept thinking I had gone insane
Or that my eyes had lied
I’d spent so many nights
Wonderin’ who the dems would run
Which hired gun?
To get the big job done,
But what the hell?
Are they on crack?
They trucked out that scary fossil
With the hair all on her back
I’m gonna change the way I vote
I’m gonna run from Hillary
I’m gonna make a sign for Nader
And I’ll join the Green Party

But wait now whoa!
Just hold the door
Who’s this Obama?
Oh…another ramrod bore
We could be winning this election
Instead we’re gonna die
Like I’d vote for another Clinton
Or an inexperienced black guy
Oh no, not I!
I will survive!
I’ll find a candidate to love
Not a witch who fakes a cry
When she’s losing in the polls
When she’s raked over the coals
Oh yeah she lies
But I will survive (hey hey)

(and the republican sings)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
When I turned the TV on
And saw Mitt Romney’s broken heart
I spent so many nights
Wanting to comfort his hot wife
And stroke her gorgeous melons
While I sell shares of Metlife
My Wall street dream!
But now here’s Mccain!
Pining for the oval office
In his insanity again
How many times do you have to fail
Before you give up quietly?
And who’s that yuppie playing guitar?
What the hell’s a Huckabee?

Well holy Christ!
Just hold the phone!
What a lousy freak show,
all of them vying for the throne.
Just who’s the one who is responsible for this lot?
In this grand old party,
Is this the best we got?
A slow mormon?
A disturbed vet?
A banjo wielding right wing nut,
Am I making my point yet?
I”ve got all my life to wonder
Will the GOP go on
Will we survive?
Will we survive? (oh)

(and they both sing)

Sonofabitch!
What is the deal?
America’s asking itself
“Is this shit for real?”
Who is the moron who picks out these candidates?
Are they the product
Of relatives who fornicate?
Well, for one, not I!
We will survive!
If we have to move to Canada
And change our name to “Guy”
We’ve had it up to here
With the same shit every year
But we’ll survive
We will survive
We will survive……

New Designer Drug—Bane or Boon?

Drugs: America's biggest concern, second only to: war, inflation, global warming, trans fat, immigration, gas prices, fitness and Britney Spears kids. And the latest new drug craze that everyones talking about, the trendy new fad that's sweeping the nation, winning the hearts of drug enthusiasts of all ages from coast to coast is an exciting new mind altering adventure for the whole family called "SPANK!"

SPANK (Sodium Pentatholic Acetyl Niacinamidenated Kelpanol) is a topically absorbed combination mild hallucinogenic, mind altering, euphoria inducing, energy enhancing, inhibition inhibiting, muscle relaxing, sexual enhancing and stress reducing narcotic that has no unpleasant side effects, presents no health risks, feels great and costs just pennies per dose! Safe for children, pets and the elderly, SPANK is "swatted" directly onto the bare skin of any part of the body and immediately gives you a killer rush that makes you feel like a million bucks. it's Inexpensive to make and easy to take, anytime, anywhere! Even while driving! Spank actually increases alertness so you drive better!

Sound too good to be true? Wait, that's not all; SPANK is non-addictive, non-fattening, low carb, low sodium and transfat free! Plus SPANK is so new that it's not even illegal yet!

SPANK can be purchased anywhere kids or adventurous adults hang out. Just walk up to anyone who looks like they feel good and say: "Psst, know where I can cop a dime bag of SPANK?" Chances are you'll be high as a kite in no time and a dime will last you a month! So what are you waiting for? Don't be a fuddy-duddy, swat some SPANK today! Just listen to these testimonials...

“I've got a corporate job and I need something to give me that edge. I tried heroin, meth, coke, pot, crack, alcohol, tse-tse fly extract, even PCP but they were all expensive, socially unacceptable and they interfered with my productivity. Then my secretary came in to my office one day and said, "Drop trou' J.B." Of course my pants were at my ankles before she finished saying "B." I admit I was a little skeptical when she said, "turn around and bend over" but before I could even say "harder" I got the SPANK rush and I was hooked!”

J.B. Crandall
CEO, Lockheed Corporation

"I was a crack ho out in Hunters Point, living trick to trick, barely making ends meat. I looked like shit and business was down. Then one day Hang-Twelve took me over his knee for my daily disciplining, only this time he swatted some SPANK all up on my booty and my life changed after that. Now I get them high class johns!"

Queesha Hamilton
Hi-Class Call Girl

"I'm 5 and a half. My mommy and daddy work all day long and they don't have time to do nothing with me anymore. They leave me with Miss Lisa, she's our house keeper, babysitter and my daddy's girlfriend when mommy's not around. One day when I was bad she spanked me and it made me really happy and I went to my room and played quietly for hours. We figured out that she still had some SPANK on her hand when she smacked my bottom and that's why I was good. So now she hits me up with SPANK everyday and we get along great!"

Bobby Culpepper
Kid

"I live in a seniors home and it's so boring I often would contemplate my passing with eagerness. Then one of the ladies from bingo swatted a little SPANK on my arm and now I'm spry as a spring chicken. I've even gotten busy with a few of the orderlies and I must say I gave those young bucks a run for their money too... well, actually it was my money, but what the heck, ya can't take it with ya!"

Gladys Persimmons
Doddering old biddy

To order your free trial size sample of SPANK send $3.95 (Includes Postage and Handling) to:
SPANK
463 Wildwood Lane
Roanoke, Virginia 24028

by numbsain

Children Should Be Seen and Not Run Over

There was a sign on the road that said: "CAUTION CHILDREN AT PLAY" and my first thought was, how dangerous could they be? If they started singing the Barney Song, I'd just roll up my window and floor it.

But it was better than the signs that say: "SLOW CHILDREN" and have a picture of a kid with a helmet riding a bike. If the kid already has brain damage why bother with the helmet. They didn't have helmets when I was a little kid. I banged my head a lot but I never got drain bamage. Kindergarten was really easy for me, especially after the third time. I was lucky to not have been abused as a child, my mother always told me that. In order to abuse a child you have to spend time with them which my folks didn't. But it wasn't their fault because I never asked to be born and they weren't expecting me.

My dad liked playing catch with me. But my mom didn't and she wasn't a very good catch so he started just tossing me up in the air and catching me himself which I loved until we moved into the new house and the ceiling was a lot lower. He took me to ball games and the zoo when I was little but he always resented it when I found my way back.

My parents went through babysitters like Britney Spears goes through babies. Of course, they were the cheapest babysitters they could find and one night they came home and noticed I had a lot of bruises on my head so they put a video camera on the babysitter. Then after a year they reviewed the tapes and sure enough, It was her. So they confronted her about it and she said that she beat me because they weren't paying her enough. They said they were okay with that arrangement if she was because they couldn't afford to pay any more.

She quit a few weeks after that anyway but when I think about it, that really bothered me because I really liked that babysitter. She was usually around and I liked some of the guys she would have over. One of them actually took the wooden spoon away when she was beating me with it. He thought it looked like fun and wanted to take a whack at it. But she was nice, she turned me on to Jack and Coke for the first time. I think she even fed me once.

I respect my parents though, because when I grew up, I hated kids. Until I had one of my own and all that changed. Now I hate mothers. But I've actually learned a lot of valuable things from my daughter, like how to talk back to my wife. The only problem with that was, I didn't realize it but the laws against husband beating aren't nearly as strict. But my wife used to call me names and yell at me. So I tried to press charges against her for verbal abuse. When we got to court, the judge said to me: "Are you some kind of fucking idiot? get the hell out of my courtroom you jackass!" My wife and I were separated but we just got into it worse when we got home.

by numbsain